haiku 25 Oct 2018

Knowing whom to trust

And whom not to trust, of course,

Lessens confusion

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

man loses way

Following nearly a decade of reliance on global-positioning-satellite-enhanced navigation via his handheld mobile communications device, local bachelor Gregor Harold Bantanigian ran into trouble when his phone suffered a total systems-crash three miles from his house. Having no coins on him and knowing none of his contacts’ phone numbers by heart, for the first fifteen minutes of his ordeal Mr Bantanigian sat in his car staring out of the windshield, unmoving. Glancing upward at the stars in a vain attempt to find North, he realized he had forgotten which constellations stood where in the Fall sky, preferring instead recently to scan the heavens using an application on his phone.

Pulling the device back out of his pants pocket, Gregor banged it against his left palm a few times, then mashed clumsily at the power button until his thumb started to cramp. As this article was going to press, Mr Bantanigian was seen waiting around in front of a nearby grocery store trying to ask strangers for directions back to his home. Upon seeing his fashionably ripped t-shirt and loose fitting cotton sweatpants as well as the desperate look in his eye, however, they assumed he was a drug-crazed street person and kept their distance.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 21 Aug 2018

Temptations abound 
Within us and without too 
It helps to not cheat 

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] 

haiku 24 Nov 2017

Routines are vital
To one’s own mythology
From cradle to grave

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

Grigovia offers asylum

The Grigovian Office of External Affairs this morning announced an expansion of its immigration efforts geared toward Americans who are now (or will soon be) seeking political asylum from the upcoming reign of president-elect Ronald Stump. A candidate long on promises but short on policy, Stump - who rose to power on a gravy-train of petty but virulent white supremacy - appears to pose a threat to independent freethinkers such as journalists and artists as well as to women seeking the right to make decisions about their own bodily health. “Grigovia welcomes Ynki who desire to live in peaceful freedom and cooperative prosperity in a country that values and safeguards their liberty,” said Dr. Uoudya E. Eiyouust, head of the Parliamentary External Affairs Committee and architect of the expanded efforts. “In our Glorious Republic is room for individuals seeking to think as they see fit, who desire to write what they decide is best to write, who wish to be respected regardless of their gender or sexuality. Our integration and employment infrastructure provides immigrants with language classes, transitional housing, job placement assistance, and much more so that new arrivals can start enriching and enlivening our economy and culture instead of languishing in the shadows of pariahdom. If a Stump presidency scares you, friend Ynki, please consider Grigovia when making emigration plans. Our doors stand open.” For more information visit your nearest Grigovian embassy.

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥

relinerize today

Do you grow a new stomach lining every week? Are you tired of your body constantly having to coat the inside of your guts with a new layer of cells? If so, Bioregenetics International Inc. (BII) announced last week from its headquarters in Maine a revolutionary new way to ensure that the human stomach stays properly lined. "People are fed up with the inconvenience of natural stomach lining regeneration," said Dr. Thornton Barleywaithe, director of product development at Bioregenetics. "Our product provides a feasible alternative to the constant hassle of standard regeneration."

The new product, named Relinerize, is a half-pound of stomach lining starter cells that, once swallowed whole, lines the stomach with a more robust covering than usual, reducing wasteful energy consumption. Clinical trials on Rhesus primates have shown a remarkable reduction in energy usage due to constant regeneration as well as a reduced dependency on shellfish as a major dietary supplement. Relinerize, which is taken only once every three months, completely eliminates the natural process of stomach lining rejuvenation, one that occurs regularly in most healthy people. Due to the constant presence of acidic digestive fluids crucial to the digestive process, the stomach is in a perpetual death spiral of destruction and rejuvenation. Studies have shown that the body takes longer than most people wish it would to remove and regrow the damaged cells. Relinerize adheres to the stomach wall and expands to cover the entire organ with a thick coat of cells twenty times that of the average stomach wall. "The thickness of a Relinerized stomach wall is the key to the product's success," said Mary Yardmoth, lead researcher on the Relinerize developmental team. "With our new product, the speed of degradation to the stomach wall is slowed dramatically. An additional benefit of the Relinerized stomach's reduced capacity is marked but healthy weight loss similar but far superior to the invasive practice of stomach stapling."

While Bioregenetics says that the ingestible version of Relinerize is easy to swallow, they have hinted at the development of a new, implantable, capsule-sized microfactory that functions much like an implantable birth control device. "We understand that most consumers are willing and able to dry-swallow a half pound of gelatinous membrane," Barleywaithe noted, "but there is a small segment of the population that would rather have a miniature cellular production factory sewn onto the outside of their digestive pouch." (From the proposed device, an uninterrupted flow of robust cells would spew forth into the digestive cavity.) Relinerize is shipped via special overnight delivery in a sleek foam container marked BIO-HAZARD in bold red lettering, making it easy to spot. The product must be ingested immediately to guarantee the highest rate of success. "We want to stress the importance of immediate consumption," Yardmoth said. "Please don't just leave a shipment of Relinerize out in a sun-baked mailbox."

(Relinerize® is a registered trademark of MFF Holdings Group. For further information, and to order your free sample of Relinerize, e-mail relinerizeinfo@bioregenetics.net)

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

goddess alights

Without fanfare – without plume of smoke, clap of thunder, or blinding bolt of light – goddess Athena made landfall in a town in the Mid-Atlantic region of the republic of America. She looked into homes, offices, and shops, but found little to hold her attention. Cloaked in the guise of a world-weary old man, she tried to buy a drink from a store with a red-and-green-striped sign.

Broke and hung-over from a friend's bachelor party, the store clerk stared at the thick gold disc the old bum had just given him, palming it as he dropped three Sacajawea coins onto the rest of the change. Pallas Athena, she who blesses the labors of artist and warrior alike, feeling spited and ill-received, stood her ground – she threw back the worthless tender and demanded the return of her golden coin. After a while, the police arrived, summoned by a silent alarm. Before they could arrest the strange old man, however, he escaped into the store's cramped rear storage-quarters, from which, strangely, no door leads to the outside.

Brave and majestic Athena, she who lifts the hearts of flagging friends, having made herself invisible so as to escape the clutches of what she could tell were bad people bent on doing her harm, had already folded the Gorgon's head to the fore of her Aegis breastplate when mercy stayed her hand; one last turn of the endlessly shifting cloth and that dreadful weapon would have peeked forth. Instead of turning her assailants to stone, however, the goddess relented. She erased the police officers' memories and cursed the clerk to a pitiful life of abject wage-slavery devoid of pleasure, in which direction she figured he was heading, anyway.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia buys Liberty

In an effort to celebrate the ideals inherent to this awesome goddess – she who has favored the nation throughout its tumultuous history – the Glorious Republic of Grigovia purchased the Statue of Liberty. “In America, it's sad to say, we don't really follow her lead anymore,” said Frank O'Shea-DiTomasso, a longshoreman from Staten Island, New York, who was in the hold of an ocean-going vessel securing a copper-clad arm for transport. “Most people I know are slaves to their jobs, to the things they own, to televised programming, and to little pieces of papery cotton that have dead guys' faces printed on them. It's a shame to see her go, but, at day's end, few around here will miss the old dame.”

As a nod to the tremendous power of freedom, Grigovia now requires all citizens older than 18 years to pass a course designed to teach them how to make the best and fullest use of their Liberty. Individuals are given two options upon completion: they can either have their identification cards embossed with Liberty's crown-and-rays or the symbol tattooed onto a prominent part of their bodies (using a specially-formulated, non-toxic ink that glows in ultra-violet lighting). The most popular area is the top of a hand; some go for the forehead; and a few get inked on neck, throat, and cheekbone. (The tattoo's prominent placement serves as a constant reminder of the person's oath – sworn before a magistrate and sealed with freshly-spilled blood – to protect Liberty from anyone who might do her harm.) People who attend the course learn the importance of both communal cooperation and individual sacrifice, and that one is expected to do as one pleases so long as one's actions do not infringe upon the life, Liberty, or property of any other person. The course is designed to fill the citizen with a strong sense of both personal responsibility and quiet humility so that he or she does to body, mind, and property as he or she decides will best effect Happiness. (Liberated individuals may consume any drug they wish, cut their hair as they wish, and speak freely without fear of repercussion so long as they are not inciting violence.) Plans are in place to drastically reduce police forces once enough civilians understand the power of deliberate action and embrace the joyously peaceful task of mutual prosperity.

“This is to be Lady Liberty's new home,” said Uwelda Iyetast, acting curator of the new Museum of National Liberty, while standing on the masonry pad upon which the goddess shall soon rest. After six months of restorations, the statue will be reassembled on an island in the Yalung River located in the heart of Grig, the nation's capital. (A lunatic asylum from the 19th Century that had previously occupied the island burned down during post-Soviet upheavals; it was fully demolished last year to prepare for the iconic statue, although most of the building's iron superstructure was used to build pedestrian bridges that lead to the Museum.) With tears of joy in her eyes, Mrs. Iyetast explained the history of the statue from its inception to the present day, ending her speech with a standard Grigovian ritual, tossing flowers and libations into the shifting winds of Fortune so as to guarantee Liberty's safe arrival. “Unlike the people in her former home, we Grigovians are well aware of the dangers of allowing people to just do whatever they want and calling it freedom,” the curator said. “Liberty works best when individuals let every action, thought, and word resound with joyous Happiness.”

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥