controversial statues removed

Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”

J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.”

Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Santorum saves sperms

After wins in the electorally-superior states of South Carolina and Nebraska, Rick Santorum locked in the Republican selection for president of the United States of America. When asked what he would do upon being appointed to such a lofty post, Santorum said: “First off, I'll pass executive order Number Two, or the Mandate for the Elimination of, Specifically, Spermicide – MESS. Under MESS, any person found wasting sperm by masturbating or by fornicating other than solely for procreation shall be punished according to certain passages from my religion's older testaments that I will not name at this time. Anybody found wanking it, spanking it, or putting it in holes other than holes belonging to young human females of child-bearing age will be punished severely. What's more, anyone found harboring or protecting persons suspected or convicted of spermicidal behavior will be shot on sight by Agents Standard of Mother Church. Brace yourselves, sinners of America – 'cuz we're about to get medieval on your gosh-durn buns.”

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit