After
wins in the electorally-superior states of South Carolina and
Nebraska, Rick Santorum locked in the Republican selection for
president of the United States of America. When asked what he would
do upon being appointed to such a lofty post, Santorum said: “First
off, I'll pass executive order Number Two, or the Mandate for the
Elimination of, Specifically, Spermicide – MESS. Under MESS, any
person found wasting sperm by masturbating or by fornicating other
than solely for procreation shall be punished according to certain
passages from my religion's older testaments that I will not name at
this time. Anybody found wanking it, spanking it, or putting it in
holes other than holes belonging to young human females of
child-bearing age will be punished severely. What's more, anyone
found harboring or protecting persons suspected or convicted of
spermicidal behavior will be shot on sight by Agents Standard of
Mother Church. Brace yourselves, sinners of America – 'cuz we're
about to get medieval on your gosh-durn buns.”
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