commie don't float

Communists (commies), those self-same socialist scumbags that have infiltrated American society to its very core, are inherently evil: kill them on sight. Commie can be found using such fiscally-burdensome and morally-decrepit things as public roads and bridges, communal parks, sidewalks, pedestrian walkways, and local buses. The interstate and intrastate highway systems were built and are maintained using communal funds provided by the taxpayer; as socialist services, they are dangerous to the American way: avoid them until they are destroyed. (In order to avoid contact with commie, switch to widely-available, continent-spanning, privately-funded highway systems, and for-profit bridges, whenever possible.) Avoid public libraries, public transportation, and public universities; these are all taxpayer-funded socialist holdouts that provide equally and at low additional cost for the general Welfare; as institutions crucial to the socialist ideal, they must be avoided until they are destroyed.

Commies have been known to participate in local elections, where they support unnecessary and downright wasteful services such as police forces, firefighters, and sewage and water treatment services. Furthermore, commie will, on the local and the national level, support programs that assist the poor, the disabled, the elderly, and anyone too lazy, incompetent, or stupid to accept the glorious, inherent inequality of consumption-oriented market capitalism. Anyone who votes for programs such as these is a commie. Anyone who wants the wealth generated in America to feed, clothe, and house three hundred million citizens rather than to make a few hundred thousand fabulously wealthy is a commie. Anyone who is shocked upon hearing that one in six Americans suffers from hunger is a commie. Do not trust these loathsome and dangerous miscreants.

As the headline suggests, a dead commie thrown into a river will not float – as he becomes more deeply entrenched in his absurd, amoral mindset, his body will develop fibrous internal growths similar to asbestos (but far more lethal if they should contact non-commie skin, or if exposed to oxygen). Once commie is killed, remove it from the water as soon as possible, as it will rot abnormally quickly, transforming almost overnight into an as-of-yet poorly understood substance that tends to disperse before it hardens, posing a hazard to shipping lanes. As of press time, we have not been able to catch a commie to dissect its body in its living state: we knew enough not to let it live; we kill commie before commie can kill us. Wily and suspicious by its foul, hellish nature, commie can be lured only into cunningly camouflaged traps, although it will run readily to salute a red flag or to sniff a human female in heat. Commie will thrash about wildly once captured, so have your killing implement (bludgeon, cudgel, ax, pipe, or baseball bat) near to hand. The best bait for your commie-trap is crushed ginger-snaps mixed with a national brand of mechanically-separated meat product (preferably one with a high sodium content). Remove the head of dead commie as soon as you can – it might be faking death in hopes of spreading democracy and equality amongst the peoples of the world, when you are not looking; there are few things worse than a wounded, near-dead commie spreading chaos and egalitarianism amidst your defensive lines. Wounding the commie will only enrage it, so take it down good and hard, as it will still be combat effective even after losing several limbs. Shooting off commie's leg will only slow it down – not stop it – so aim for its misshapen head. Setting the vile scum on fire (as with an improvised incendiary device) will only enrage commie, and cause commie to charge your position and to do everything in its power to burn it down before it is consumed by the flames. Stay alert – stay vigilant. Think of your loved ones. Think of the children. Do not hesitate.

Every step toward communism is a step away from our bright future as Self-Enslaved Conspicuous Consumers. In order to stamp out the aforementioned socialist institutions and to save our distended and dehumanizing capitalist system from its inevitable ruin, we must bulldoze our public schools, tear up our public roads, disband our emergency services, raze our community parks, smash our state-maintained bridges, stop up our local sewers, and burn our neighborhood libraries to the ground. Only then shall America be free of communism, and of its bastard cousin, socialism; only then might this shining land flourish once again. Commie may seem peaceful, erudite, and well-educated, but great danger lies in community-mindedness and in making small personal sacrifice to improve the general Welfare. If you cherish your slavery, and you wish to protect your stock options, put bastard commie down for good.

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