rain, devil's rain

Harvest Hope & Healing House (HH&HH) megachurch founder and head pastor Langdon Tinngle-Brace declared this morning from his perch high atop a glass-walled pulpit inlaid with gold and ivory that the faithful should avoid rain if at all possible, it being, “The work of the devil himself.” At the conclusion of his forty-minute sermon on the subject (during which two parishoners gave birth and one septuagenarian died), the Right Honorable Mister Tinngle-Brace, who answers only to his full title, said, “God's tears? Rain is not god's tears, nor is it Jesus' tears, nor is it the tears of those cute little baby angel cherubs that weep when they look down upon us and our sinful ways. No. No! You fine people out there staring up at me like good Christians, No! you avoid that rain; you run at the slightest sprinkle; you cover your head and cower in fear of the first sign of a debilitating and dastardly downpour. The devil is in them clouds, he makes the rain fall. It is the devil's very piddle that lies in puddles on our fine roads and that soaks and slithers its way into our bright and tender hearts.” Mr. Tinngle-Brace, being far too corpulent to walk and, besides, having worked himself into quite a lather, was hoisted from the pulpit by means of his personal Gilded Forklift of Heavenly Ascendancy.

Ushers were standing by as the service ended to hand out brochures for – and to funnel churchgoers into – an on-site information seminar about HH&HH's newest RV-park and retirement community in Roswell, New Mexico, where, according to the high-gloss, parchment-like pamphlets, the rains never fall.

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