corporations drafted, sent to war

Following Citizens United, a recent decision by the United States Supreme Court that bestowed full person-hood upon the corporations of America, executive boards of the richest and most powerful corporate bodies announced over the weekend that they, as well as their corporate overlords, had received, by mail, Selective Service System (SSS) paperwork. Said Candyce Nymondale, chief spokeswoman for SSS: “A computer selected these names and sent them to another computer that in turn had a robot mail out forms. Mr. Apple, Mr. Amazon, and Mr. GE, as well as the remaining corporations, are expected to pay their taxes, to serve their country, and to go to war, if that should be in the best interest of the American People.”

According to the laws of decency, and in line with the notion that all persons are created equally, corporations (as they are now fully-emancipated human beings) must provide sacrifices equal to or exceeding the sacrifices made by those flesh-and-blood Americans who are fighting and dying in conflicts across the globe. “For too long have these cowards shirked their responsibilities,” President Obama said, to resounding applause, at a rally in Puerto Rico last Sunday. “For too long have we granted these corporations the rights and privileges of full-blown homo sapiens without expecting of them sacrifice of any kind. If these corporations cannot go to war and fight and die in the dusty, rock-strewn hills of Afghanistan, then we shall call upon the members of their executive boards to act as proxies, and to go to war in their stead.”

“Corporations amass great wealth by exploiting their employees' honest labor, by inflating their potential value in the stock-markets, and by wiggling through legal loopholes that allow them to avoid contributing positively to or otherwise being upstanding and productive members of society; they are leeches of the worst sort, profit-driven juggernauts that crush anything they might encounter, the embodiment of moral decay and societal downfall,” said Dr. Thomaz D. Orguzman, a corporate sociologist who also holds a degree in corporate anthropology, while negotiating a phalanx of reporters in order to enter his small but tidy home outside Wichita, Kansas. “They (corporations) are already structured and run as if they were military organizations, so requiring them to do their part in the Global War on Terror seems to me, if nothing else, logical.” Calls to chief executive officers of major American corporations were routed invariably to tense-sounding legal departments run by foreign-born individuals located anywhere but on U.S. soil.

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