controversial statues removed

Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”

J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.”

Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

MTV 4 re-airs "Corn-Cribs"

This past Mother's Day weekend, slotted in prime-time advertising segments across its various networks, MTV ran a series of ads promoting the re-release of its semi-hit-series, Corn Cribs. A show that focuses on revamped, and, sometimes, even completely rebuilt, bins for keeping and for drying entire ears of corn (so as to improve their self-life and to reduce moisture-related transportation costs), Corn Cribs has been derided by critics for the fact that financial and temporal resources that could have been spent uplifting the poor or feeding the hungry was instead wasted following camera-unready non-celebrities around and filming them as they pointed out various features of their supposedly interesting maize-retainment-structures. Fans of the show, who hail predominately from the Southern and the Midwestern states, praised MTV networks on agriculture-related web-sites and entertainment-related, Internet-based message-boards alike for taking the chance on such a far-out concept that focuses on such a seemingly mundane aspect of everyday farming life. Said MTV chief executive Brandon D. “the Hiff” Hiffelbottom, “We realized that, due to the fact that Americans have become such worthless pieces of shit with so much free time on their hands that they will actually sit down and watch a show about, of all things, spruced-up and pimped-out corn silos, we decided to re-air all seven seasons of Corn-Cribs.”

According to unconfirmed reports, upon hearing the news, America's more upstanding and self-respecting citizens wept openly, with shame.

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