outfit “not nearly gay enough”

After trying on all of his gayest clothes in preparation for coming out to his extended family during its annual July 4th reunion this upcoming weekend, Bartleby Wankelmunde III voiced his doubts to his young Chicano lover, conceding that his choice of outfit was, “Simply not as gay as it needs to be to prove to my idiot relatives just how serious I am about this whole homosexual thing.” Bartleby, aged 38, scion of the Wankelmunde family and its only hope for producing a male offspring (for the sake of name-preservation), pranced around the room for a bit with his member dressed in ribbons, to see if that would make things better. But, even after a game of catch and a lengthy bout of tickle-fighting with Ramon, an 18 year old legal immigrant from Guatemala, Mr. Wankelmunde could not shake the feeling that he was failing to fully highlight the extent of his gayness. “I mean, just look at this blouse – it's not even sequined, ruffled, pleated, or of a silken sheen,” Bartleby said, pulling at the sleeves of the vintage woman's dress-shirt he had just pulled onto his shaved, tanned torso. “We need to go back to the hobby store and find some fabric that will make these clothes pop. I shall do all of the sewing, and don't worry, my little Guatemalan man-lover, I will buy you food later and – see? I have not forgotten – make sure you get to your grandmother's house before sundown, as is traditional for persons of your tribe to do on somebody's eightieth birthday, but, for right now, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Vamos!” While it is not exactly clear just what occurred at the reunion or how the family received its eldest male of birthing age's super-duper gay news, unconfirmed reports indicate that Ramon has been invited to next year's festivities, provided he and Bartleby are still together and provided that Bartleby stop making constant references to pushing in people's stools.

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MTV 4 re-airs "Corn-Cribs"

This past Mother's Day weekend, slotted in prime-time advertising segments across its various networks, MTV ran a series of ads promoting the re-release of its semi-hit-series, Corn Cribs. A show that focuses on revamped, and, sometimes, even completely rebuilt, bins for keeping and for drying entire ears of corn (so as to improve their self-life and to reduce moisture-related transportation costs), Corn Cribs has been derided by critics for the fact that financial and temporal resources that could have been spent uplifting the poor or feeding the hungry was instead wasted following camera-unready non-celebrities around and filming them as they pointed out various features of their supposedly interesting maize-retainment-structures. Fans of the show, who hail predominately from the Southern and the Midwestern states, praised MTV networks on agriculture-related web-sites and entertainment-related, Internet-based message-boards alike for taking the chance on such a far-out concept that focuses on such a seemingly mundane aspect of everyday farming life. Said MTV chief executive Brandon D. “the Hiff” Hiffelbottom, “We realized that, due to the fact that Americans have become such worthless pieces of shit with so much free time on their hands that they will actually sit down and watch a show about, of all things, spruced-up and pimped-out corn silos, we decided to re-air all seven seasons of Corn-Cribs.”

According to unconfirmed reports, upon hearing the news, America's more upstanding and self-respecting citizens wept openly, with shame.

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