“That’s right,” says drunk woman

Burlington, VT - In an apparent attempt to keep herself involved in recent conversations with the family of her son’s wife, Geraldine A. Carey, 62, feigned interest by saying, repeatedly, “That’s right.” Everyone in earshot, from her children to her grandchildren, could tell that the elderly matron had no fucking clue what anyone was talking about and was just waiting for an excuse to pour herself another three fingers of ice-cold vodka.

As the family reunion progressed and the alcohol content of her blood increased, Geraldine said “That’s right” in response to people making well-thought-out and educated statements about the fragile state of Internet security, the ongoing war in Syria, the possibility of liquid oceans on Jupiter’s moon Europa, as well as the likelihood that her second-eldest daughter is gay. Few persons present dwelled consciously upon the woman’s repeated use of the aforementioned phrase, preferring rather to ignore her rantings.

At one point toward the end of the day, the youngest brother of the son’s wife, a fellow named Steve, brought up the topic to his sister while the latter stood wiping down wine glasses. Refusing to look at him, she shook her head and tried not to cry. Much to the relief of children and grandchildren everywhere, a recent unofficial poll conducted by the Blomkwist Center for Family Research shows that 85% of alcoholic American grandmothers are starting to prefer “Uh huh” and “Oh really” to “That’s right.”

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

blowback mechanism debuts

Building on the success of its RPT line of personal defense weapons, the Pylta Regina Firearms Factory (PRFF) announced a new option for 2014. “RPT stands for Regina Pylta Terret,” said Thendogarst Oiylyindt, chief operating officer of PRFF. “Our slogan is, 'Easy enough, even for grandmother.' For good reason, too: our weapons are designed so that most any Grigovian – from 12 year-old member of the League of Youth Defenders to 90 year-old matriarchal block commander – can pick one up and following simple instructions drop fools from two hundred yards in defense of the motherland.” Similar to a certain popular Russian firearm, RPT rifles are designed to fire even if filled with sand, rusted shut, frozen, wet, or dropped from a 2-story building. “Our newest feature we call delayed blowback,” said Poli Daryoust while she was field-stripping and reassembling the first RPT models to emerge from the production line. “After bullet is fired, some of gas produced is stored in a chamber in the butt of rifle. When shooter is ready for next round to be chambered, she thumbs this button here, which cycles spent round out and loads another. This makes rifle more accurate compared to when fired in semi-automatic mode – for sniping situations – but of course eliminates folding stock.” Fully automatic mode is available only in the military version of the rifle; civilian models feature semi-automatic, bolt-action, and delayed blowback. Visit PRFF's official company website for more details, and happy wastreling.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

student uprising in Grigovia

From the capitol city of Grig to even the smallest of hamlets, students enrolled in the Grigovian public schooling systems – some of them merely children – took part over the weekend in often violent protests to draw attention to a number of different issues. While some rose up out of solidarity with Syrian rebels fighting the regime of Bashar al-Assad, others took to the streets to voice their dissatisfaction with capitalism and such poverty and income-inequality as is associated with this unjust and outdated economic system. The youngest protesters, however – they who are most prone to sudden, brutal violence – actively fought various police and even military forces to bring attention to the rising cost of candy and sweets, whose prices have skyrocketed following a local outbreak of the virus nonspecificus willibrandtis, which has destroyed much of the country's reserves of sugar-beets, ruining most of its sugar-beet-derived sweeteners, sweet-makers, starches, and similar smack-a-licious substances.

In a statement posted to youtube and disseminated by hand-printed fliers, the students of Grigovia's vocational-technical colleges declared their allegiance to all other vo-tech student movements around the world, especially to those in Thailand. “We – and our brothers and sisters around the world, especially in Thailand – are dedicated to the free speech, free assembly, and to the propagation and free expression of the various trades, among them woodworking, electrical wiring, and gun-smithing; any government organization that opposes our right to unionize shall not stand long.” Long columns of vo-tech students – recognizable by their red and gold shoulder-patches – marched through the empty streets, or drilled in abandoned lots.

Said Noviembr Chu-Yendt, age 7, from the northern village of Vonya Yellenda, who had traveled to Grig by train, alone, in order to take part in these historic uprisings, “Last night, I ran into some school-mates who were going to join a street-march to highlight the degradation of our national park-lands by foreign companies mining there for rare-earth-metals, but, afterward, we became separated, and so I had to spend the night in a park, which was no so bad, because I brought my father's Soviet-Afghani-War-era Makarov pistol, and all these knives.” The boy opened his knapsack, allowing us a glimpse at what appeared to be a collection of trench-knives dating back to the First World War.

Later that day, we spoke to unemployed former factory forewoman Hana Blastisyennd, a 67-year-old grandmother whom we found manning a street-barricade in front of a Home for Orphans of the Israeli Occupation of Palestine (HOIOP). “When I heard rumors that some teenagers were looting the orphanage of its silver, I erected this barricade to keep the police away while my grandsons went inside to re-capture the stolen goods and to give those damn teenagers a good spanking,” Mrs. Blastisyennd said before stooping to pick up a hissing tear-gas canister, which she promptly threw back into the midst of an approaching phalanx of riot-gear-clad policemen. Pulling an AK-74 assault rifle with a telescoping stock from a floral-print carpetbag resting by her feet, the otherwise-unassuming old woman fired it into the upper windows of a building a few blocks away. Her well-placed shots caused two men who had been hiding there to flee, carrying what appeared to be scope-equipped rifle and a pair of binoculars away with them. Furthermore, the phalanx of cops – which had approached to within a few scant meters of her position – drew back in haste, reforming behind the thick stone walls of a nearby auxiliary citizen's armory. “On any other day, if these policemen had asked nicely to make sure everything was OK within the HOIOP, I would have let them pass in peace, but these pig-dogs are not acting like gentlemen, so fuck them – fuck the police.”

Analysts except the protests to spread before they peter out, hopefully sometime around the harvest festival, in late November.

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outfit “not nearly gay enough”

After trying on all of his gayest clothes in preparation for coming out to his extended family during its annual July 4th reunion this upcoming weekend, Bartleby Wankelmunde III voiced his doubts to his young Chicano lover, conceding that his choice of outfit was, “Simply not as gay as it needs to be to prove to my idiot relatives just how serious I am about this whole homosexual thing.” Bartleby, aged 38, scion of the Wankelmunde family and its only hope for producing a male offspring (for the sake of name-preservation), pranced around the room for a bit with his member dressed in ribbons, to see if that would make things better. But, even after a game of catch and a lengthy bout of tickle-fighting with Ramon, an 18 year old legal immigrant from Guatemala, Mr. Wankelmunde could not shake the feeling that he was failing to fully highlight the extent of his gayness. “I mean, just look at this blouse – it's not even sequined, ruffled, pleated, or of a silken sheen,” Bartleby said, pulling at the sleeves of the vintage woman's dress-shirt he had just pulled onto his shaved, tanned torso. “We need to go back to the hobby store and find some fabric that will make these clothes pop. I shall do all of the sewing, and don't worry, my little Guatemalan man-lover, I will buy you food later and – see? I have not forgotten – make sure you get to your grandmother's house before sundown, as is traditional for persons of your tribe to do on somebody's eightieth birthday, but, for right now, let's get this gay show on the gay road. Vamos!” While it is not exactly clear just what occurred at the reunion or how the family received its eldest male of birthing age's super-duper gay news, unconfirmed reports indicate that Ramon has been invited to next year's festivities, provided he and Bartleby are still together and provided that Bartleby stop making constant references to pushing in people's stools.

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