haiku 8 May 2018

Five fifty and five
Polished stone clawing the sky
A soaring tribute

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

white Nazi rapists

In an apparent effort to clear his own name and that of the NFL franchise he owns, Daniel Snyder announced plans to change the name of his Washington D.C.-based team to the White Nazi Rapists. “Polling shows that the new name is just about as unacceptable as its predecessor – the Redskins – which some indigenous tribes said offended them to the extent that the word nigger offends the black,” he said openly and without visible dismay at a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It is my hope that, as a Jewish person, using the word Nazi to describe the team I own will show my impartiality to racial slurs, and my general lack of racialist tendencies – it's OK to be racially insensitive so long as you're doing it against your own race, right? Furthermore, I wish to own a team called the Rapists, a term and a concept hated universally.” “This whole thing just went from bad to worse,” said Ray Halbritter, spokesperson for the Oneida Nation, which filed the objections that led to the current conversation about the use of objectionable names by professional organizations. “Not only do sports team continuously slander us and our fellow First Peoples by using names such as Chief or Brave or Indian, the ur-dick owner of a certain local team now appears to be doubling down on his absurdly senseless offensiveness.” During the press conference Mr. Snyder revealed a preliminary sketch of the logo for his newly renamed team, which shows a slack-jawed Caucasian man in a swastika armband holding a length of rope in one hand and a pipe-wrench in the other whose pants are straining to contain his visibly swollen member. “People freaked when a pretty girl kissed a nerdy boy in a commercial during the Superbowl last year,” said Kandace Franko-Jaice, spokeswoman for Protect American Values in Sports, a media-in-professional-sports watchdog group. “I can hardly wait to see what happens when they hear about the, uh, the Washington White Nah... until they hear about Mr. Snyder's plan to rebrand his team.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

payment also faked

As a nod to a singing performance that Beyoncé Knowles faked, the 2013 Presidential Inauguration Committee decided to fake her payment. “It was immediately obvious that the performer did not sing the song we had hired her to sing, and that, instead, she had payed a sound-recording engineer to play a tape of her singing the song we had hired her to sing with her mouth,” said White House special events coordinator Geraldeen Vorburgwall, in a telephone interview. “Therefore, we have faked the deposit of a fake sum of money into her otherwise massively swollen bank accounts. Fair is fair.“

News of Ms. Knowles' chicanery sparked both praise and indignation. According to 18 year-old Floridian Vehdnu Morangutan, the performer is, “So fabulous, and she wears such nice clothes, and her hair looks so great, and she just sang for the first president of recent African descent, so why y'all trying to hate?” Other individuals with whom we spoke were less kind. “Some people maintain such low levels of self-esteem that they don insufficient clothing in sub-zero weather in order to lie to the American people with extraordinary pomp and bluster,” said unemployed electrician Kazi Ishomuri, 47, of Baton Rouge, LA. “If Beyoncé is incapable of singing even under mildly adverse conditions, if she cannot muster the hubris to risk even a slight mistake whilst supposedly honoring our nation, why the deuce was she hired in the first place? This whole thing is a joke.” Beyond the young lady's deceit, the overall cost of the event stoked ire. “A hundred and seventy millions dollars of good money spent to have a man say something he had already said three times before?” said Oludunda Erak, 24, of Brooklyn, NY. “If Mr. Obama had spent that money on a scholarship for children of fallen American soldiers, or to establish a fund to study and cure the effects of homelessness among veterans, we the People would all be better off. But wasting it on a parade, a singer who doesn't sing, some bleachers, and a band? What the fuck is going on in this country?”

Ms. Knowles scheduled a press conference to address the matter. Instead of showing up and speaking to the assembled reporters, however, she had someone else play a recording of her offering a faked explanation of why she could not sing when Kelly Clarkson could.

mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥

belligerence holds sway

Citing a distinct lack of threats clearly and presently endangering the wellbeing and safety of the American people, that nation's own federal government stepped into the breech. “We have all these resources just sitting around, which if we don't use, we lose,” said a spokesperson for the inaptly named Department of Justice (DoJ), who asked that her name not be used. She went on, saying, “Therefore, we shall continue to rob Americans of their liberty until the violent crime rates rise again, there's a nation-wide epidemic of carjackings, or a similar situation arises to justify spending mountains of tax dollars on our existence.”

The DoJ is ratcheting up its efforts to prosecute and imprison Ynki civilians who insist upon exercising rights granted them in the XIV Amendment to their Constitution. “I smoke weed because I decide what to do with this body,” said upstanding citizen and small business owner Dwainn Robert Whittlewood, 36, of Detroit, Michigan. “And since a judge has never banned me personally from smoking that sweet sticky weed, the fourteenth Amendment protects my right to spark it up, toke it up, and smoke it up.” The National American Association of District-Court Justices (and their Spouses), an advocacy group, approached the situation more gingerly. Said their spokesperson, 54 year-old Wailandt Jane Hoffstedt, “Our jobs depend to a large part on busting people for stupid shit like smoking or possessing marijuana. It wasn't always like this – back before the federal government launched the longest war in our history, our foolhardy War on Drugs, we used to pass judgment on people who were truly a risk to themselves, or to society. Now, though, the cottage industry consisting of parole officers, privately-run prisons, lobbyists, and overseers has become so massive that it has taken on a life of its own, constructing policy and thriving on the death of individual liberty and the incarceration of non-violent drug offenders. Something has to change.”

There is no clear sign when the federal government might start protecting liberty instead of destroying it, although the courageous citizens of Colorado and Washington dealt clear blows to state-sanctioned oppression by passing laws that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Perhaps, as some point this century, the rest of America will grow some balls and stand up the bullies in D.C. who harass us and deny us our liberty, this nation's lifeblood; we shall soon see, however, just how tyrannical our federal government has become, and just how far it will go to enforce unjust laws from bygone eras. (While researching this article, the author's trash was twice searched by federal agents, who at one point backed their car over his cat in their haste to flee direct, verbal confrontation.)

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

unstoppable lawsuit to roll forward

  Affluent Tanzanian silk merchant Mr. Nelcott Surklin commenced with a false-advertising lawsuit against the producers and distributors of the movie Unstoppable (starring Denzel Washington & Chris Pine), claiming that in the movie the train stops before the ending without having destroyed much of anything.

Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

American theocracy - 1

  A dangerous effort is under way in these United States of America – the effort to define the concept of marriage, and its societal and legal ramifications, according to the code of a specific religion. If allowed to progress unopposed, this effort will abolish the concept of the separation of church and state as set forth in the U.S. Constitution. This effort is an assault on the liberty of the American people, and we can ill afford to further bind our nation to the tenets of one religion among the many that here persist. Just as we would not incorporate into our most hallowed documents the parameters of Shari'a law, or the teachings of Lord Krishna, we must not shackle ourselves to the strictures of the Christian religion, even though that religion is practiced by a relatively large portion of the U.S. population.

  For if these efforts were to succeed in binding the concept of marriage to the code of one specific religion, we would be forced to abide by all of Yahweh's clearly-stated mandates, including the one regarding the murder, in front of the father's house, of new wives found deflowered (Deuteronomy 22:20-21 NAB), mandates that would result in the abolition of Justice, the loss of the domestic Tranquility, and the nullification of the Blessings of Liberty – our code of laws would become subject to the whims of a blood-thirsty and destructive god with a long and well-documented history of genocide and mass murder (see the Midianites, and the denizens of Jericho, Sodom, and Gomorrah).

  George Washington and John Adams said, and the contemporary Congress agreed unanimously, “The government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion” (see the Treaty of Tripoli). These were more than idle words spoken in private, more than a backroom speech made to moneyed sycophants: these words were part of an official declaration made to a foreign government in hope of a future free of strife; they were written to placate the heated ire of another people by stating that we as a nation will not, under any circumstance, abandon rationality or assume to pass legislation based on the ethical code put forth by a god that demands loyalty above all, a god that ignores the balance of our needs and our desires, a god that seeks to rid us of the knowledge of a unifying and perpetual energy that lurks among the passions of our lives, a god that demands strict adherence to the myriad rules contained within the Christian bible, but one religious book among many.

  We are not a nation established on the concepts of one particular religion. We are a nation founded to establish Justice and to secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity. We do this by guiding our country, through legislative act, executive lunge, and judicial rule, via rational and lively debate, toward the emancipation of Happiness and Security among the People, not through rule of fear or codex, but through the application of our vast collective potential in service to all peoples of this land, not simply to a diminishing minority of the fabulously rich.

  Fight this impending American theocracy. If your governor prays to Jesus for an end to the woes facing your state, vote him out of office as soon as you can. If your Congresswoman claims to be guided by voices in her head that she thinks are her god, if she boasts of blind fealty to god and husband, write to her and demand she relinquish her post. There is room for faith in the hearts of the American people, but it must remain there and not pollute the halls of government – in those halls is room only for rational and measured debate focused on securing to ourselves and our Posterity the Blessings of Liberty.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp