spoon hoard plundered

The residents of Ouray, CO, awoke this morning to find their drawers and cupboards emptied of spoons. The world-famous Museum of Spoon and Utensils, which occupies an Art Deco building in the hamlet’s quaint downtown, sits all but empty, most of its collection gone.

Local police deputy Yolanda Esperanza said that foul play had been ruled out early in her investigation of the matter. “There were no signs of forced entry, anywhere,” she said, scanning the area in bewilderment from the Ouray Overlook. “Who, or what, would want all those spoons?”

Archival records located in the town library tell of a similar instance, in 1887, during which large quantities of buttons vanished, seemingly overnight. “Given the large-scale mining activities in this area,” the newspaper reads, “superstitious locals have been attributing the recent thefts to a mountain sprite, or kobold, scared aboveground by blasting dynamite.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Grigovia bans drones

Citing the actions of the community of Deer Trail in America's Colorado as its primary inspiration, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia banned weaponized and spy-equipped drones from its airspace. Henceforth, the only drones allowed in the skies above this small, landlocked Central Asian nation are those used by accredited and licensed organizations to search for and assist in the rescue of missing or imperiled persons. “In order to protect the privacy, lives, and rights of our citizens, we pledge to aggressively counter any attempts by imperialistic foreign powers – especially by the United States of America – to operate aircraft in our skies with the intention of maiming, murdering, spying on, or killing,” said Teyriyest Uscht, deputy Minster of Defense of the Sovereign Airspace. “Furthermore, we offer a reward of 75 units of your currency of choice for proof of a downed UAS (unmanned aerial system) – proof would include pieces of fuselage, sections of wing, or any other component that have distinguishing markings upon them.” Both Grigovia and Deer Trail encourage their citizens to proceed with diligence, patience, and ferocity, and to defend Liberty by actively fighting oppression.

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belligerence holds sway

Citing a distinct lack of threats clearly and presently endangering the wellbeing and safety of the American people, that nation's own federal government stepped into the breech. “We have all these resources just sitting around, which if we don't use, we lose,” said a spokesperson for the inaptly named Department of Justice (DoJ), who asked that her name not be used. She went on, saying, “Therefore, we shall continue to rob Americans of their liberty until the violent crime rates rise again, there's a nation-wide epidemic of carjackings, or a similar situation arises to justify spending mountains of tax dollars on our existence.”

The DoJ is ratcheting up its efforts to prosecute and imprison Ynki civilians who insist upon exercising rights granted them in the XIV Amendment to their Constitution. “I smoke weed because I decide what to do with this body,” said upstanding citizen and small business owner Dwainn Robert Whittlewood, 36, of Detroit, Michigan. “And since a judge has never banned me personally from smoking that sweet sticky weed, the fourteenth Amendment protects my right to spark it up, toke it up, and smoke it up.” The National American Association of District-Court Justices (and their Spouses), an advocacy group, approached the situation more gingerly. Said their spokesperson, 54 year-old Wailandt Jane Hoffstedt, “Our jobs depend to a large part on busting people for stupid shit like smoking or possessing marijuana. It wasn't always like this – back before the federal government launched the longest war in our history, our foolhardy War on Drugs, we used to pass judgment on people who were truly a risk to themselves, or to society. Now, though, the cottage industry consisting of parole officers, privately-run prisons, lobbyists, and overseers has become so massive that it has taken on a life of its own, constructing policy and thriving on the death of individual liberty and the incarceration of non-violent drug offenders. Something has to change.”

There is no clear sign when the federal government might start protecting liberty instead of destroying it, although the courageous citizens of Colorado and Washington dealt clear blows to state-sanctioned oppression by passing laws that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Perhaps, as some point this century, the rest of America will grow some balls and stand up the bullies in D.C. who harass us and deny us our liberty, this nation's lifeblood; we shall soon see, however, just how tyrannical our federal government has become, and just how far it will go to enforce unjust laws from bygone eras. (While researching this article, the author's trash was twice searched by federal agents, who at one point backed their car over his cat in their haste to flee direct, verbal confrontation.)

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