man’s universe implodes

Accustomed to believing everything told to him by the one television channel he thinks tells the truth, local resident Chester T. Whipplebutton suffered a severe reaction to unexpectedly hearing two conflicting points of view. Symptoms of his reaction to the apparent contradiction included a dramatic spike in blood pressure followed by a skin rash similar to hives and a mild stroke.

The incident occurred early last evening during a scheduled commercial break interrupting his favorite news-entertainment show. During the break, the television showed one advertisement for a new menu item at a fast-food chain that claimed it had the tastiest and most juicy burgers. Immediately afterward, however, aired an advertisement for a different fast-food chain in which it, too, claimed to have the tastiest and juiciest burgers. A firm believer in the rule of mutual exclusivity and having trained himself to only believe one idea, notion, or concept at a time, Mr. Whipplebutton entered a state of catatonic shock that has left him in critical condition.

Recent emergency-room statistics indicate a rise in cases similar to the one detailed above. Experts suggest that filter bubbles and saliency biases are partly to blame for Americans’ inability to hold two or more conflicting thoughts in their minds simultaneously.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

asshole bloggers honored

An exclusive crowd of Internet trolls, gaslighters, and shit-posters gathered today at a prestigious hotel in Washington D.C. for the first annual Donald J. Trump Internet Bullying Awards (IBA). In attendance were some of the most vitriolic living persons to ever log onto Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Twitter, and Tumblr.

Many award recipients - fearful of being confronted in real life for their Online shenanigans - chose to attend virtually rather than in person, watching the event through encrypted connections and sharing their opinions in dedicated, invite-only chat rooms. The award for Most Dramatic Drive to Suicide went (in absentia) to M. C., a young lady recently convicted for apparently convincing her former boyfriend to kill himself. 

The award IBA was set up in honor of America’s 45th president, himself a shameless gaslighter who spends his time not focused on solving the nation’s economic ills or defeating Daesh (ISIS) but on trolling journalists and his fellow minor celebrities with hate-filled, fake-news shitposts. Mr. Trump was nominated for the prestigious Online Bully of the Year award, losing however to a racist teenage virgin from West Virginia.


americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

experienced actors wanted

A major American news outlet is seeking actors to film scripted segments for its coverage of the Syrian conflict. Prior military training preferred, but no special language skills required; the opposition currently fighting the rule of Bashar al-Assad is nearly entirely foreign-born. Depending on the timetable for illegal U.S. involvement in the struggle taking place in Syria, a sovereign foreign nation, actors may be expected to sign contracts lasting more than 1 year. Non-disclosure is mandatory for participation. After Damascus has been bombed to rubble, employment opportunities may become available with al-Qaida, a paramilitary terrorist organization rumored to be run by the federal government of the United States of America. Persons wishing to participate in misleading and lying to the trustworthy people of the world should run a Google-searh on “potluck trampoline breakwater” (without the quotation marks), wait 8 minutes, then make the mark of the beast on their front doors. Armed federal agents will arrive within the hour, black-bag and hogtie the applicant, and transport him forthwith to mock-ups of the Syrian countryside being constructed deep in the deserts of California.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on indirect representation

  When the Constitution of the U.S.A. was written, news took weeks to travel from one city to the next; it was necessary for a representative to be chosen to assuage the mood of the people around him and to decide for those people great and pressing matters at places distant and inconvenient to reach.

  In our modern time, however, news travels at the speed of light, and the citizens can speak to one another at any time and in any place, and they can be called upon, individually and instantly, for their opinion on great and pressing matters. The system of representative democracy under which America currently suffers grants political power to a small number of individuals who are in anything but name the princes of this republic. Individuals who have power will be corrupted invariably by that power. Therefore, we need to draw up a new Constitution, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to us shall seem most likely to effect our Safety and Happiness.

  The People shall be Safe and Happy when no single person holds power over a nation.

  Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp