another union, gone

Forty-eight years after one of its members actually got paid to do the job, the American Domestic Rice Cooker’s Union (ADRCU) finally disbanded. Founded in 1895 by a group of house-maids from San Francisco, the Union had seen its number drop dramatically since the introduction of low-cost, automated devices. “We just can’t compete with computerized, electric rice cookers that do the job perfectly, every time,” said Yolanda T. Ching, a spokesperson for the ADRCU. “That, and a drastic reduction in the number of people wealthy enough to hire cooks and maids, sounded the death-knell for our lovely group.”

Former members are slated to receive training as taxi drivers, foundry workers, and call-center operators, jobs that the Union’s leadership thinks will soon return to the United States. Also at risk of extinction are labor organizations representing American retail workers, cotton pickers, and coal shovelers.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

foreigners gain liberty

In what some are calling a dire blow to America’s cultural heritage, the White House today approved a controversial deal to sell the property known as Independence National Historical Park to a consortium owned in part by investors from Saudi Arabia and Macau. “We’re excited to maximize the profit potential of our new investment,” said Ibn Faik alMaz’zoud, spokesperson for the consortium, speaking from the steps of the former government property, in downtown Philadelphia. “Entrance fees to the site will rise in accordance with increased security and a shared desire to keep out all but the best and most economically-viable visitors.”

Other historical sites up for sale are the Gettysburg battlefield in central Pennsylvania, George Washington’s birthplace in Virginia, as well as Battery Park in New York City. Various monuments in country’s western states are being considered for increased ore and mineral extraction, to the delight of lobbying groups and mining companies hungry to profit from the sale of soil-bound resources, which since the nation’s inception have belonged to all Americans, equally.

“We can’t have this stuff just sitting around costing America money,” said a White House staffer speaking (leaking) on condition of anonymity. “The more we can shift upkeep, tour guiding, maintenance, hauling, and extraction tasks to corporations - foreign or domestic, it’s all the same - the more cash America will have on hand to do things like launch cruise missile strikes on Syrian villages and give tax breaks to wealthy citizens.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan