haiku 31 Dec 2017

A fresh start beckons
From beyond tomorrow next
Change seldom lasts long

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

New Hampshire secedes II

Last Tuesday, in Concord, the capital of this now-sovereign nation of 1.3 million individuals, state leaders quietly seceded from the Union of American States (USA). An overwhelming majority of the population – 98% – approved the decision via referendum. Many voters claimed they were inspired by New Hampshire's history as the first post-colonial sovereign nation in the Western hemisphere. The move comes at a time of increasing national and international doubt regarding the continuing feasibility of the USA. During a brief ceremony devoid of fanfare or bluster, the governor for the state, a Dr. Florentine B. Mistleblanch, declared, “For too long have we citizens of the once fine state of New Hampshire – and the now fine nation of Nu-Hemp-Sure – payed mere lip service to our motto: 'Live free, or die.' Since all persons living here at this time are henceforth totally and completely free of any and all outside interference, what was once slogan is now reality.”

Polls conducted in the wake of last fall's referendum showed that individuals living in this ex-state wanted nothing to do with such formerly Confederate states as North Carolina, a state that has violated the rights of its homosexual citizens by passing laws that codify marriage according to hard-line Christian rules. (As of press-time, Christianity is merely one religion among hundreds practiced in America today; it is neither the founding, nor the dominant, religion of the USA.) Said governor Mistleblanch while unlocking her bicycle from a signpost behind the podium, “We don't want to be associated in the estimation of humankind with leaders seeking to overthrow reason; we have no use for madmen wishing to rule according to one – and only one – religious codex; and we want nothing to do with lunatics who abolish the principles of Liberty and insist on theocratic tyranny. We invite the North Carolinians and any other like-minded jackasses to do as they please, but we proud denizens of the Hempen-Shire want nothing more to do with crazy schemes that trample on the freedoms of innocent persons. By the way, to cultivate and consume marijuana, and, of course, hemp, is henceforth the legal right of each and every emancipated adult living within our borders.”

Nu-Hemp-Sure is the world's newest nation, and the third – following Puerto Rico and Panama – to officially renounce, rescind, or refuse membership in the crumbling, tyrannical, and politically bankrupt collection of (formerly) United States of America. Long live lady Liberty, and huzzah.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

Rovend in Manhattan

Erya Rovend traveled to New York City (NYC) recently as the spokesperson of the Grigovian delegation to the United Nations. Chosen for the role at Grigovia's recent Summit to Secure our Sovereignty, the young lady – an avid equestrian and spiritual leader of the Farflung Free Nations, a Yaelong tribe – asked us to condense her interview into the following piece.

In many ways, the American metropolis known as the Big Apple rivals fair, cosmopolitan Grig. Both are world cities with extensive public transportation networks and lively, vibrant night-life; both are regional powerhouses to which the young and the ambitious flock, places where dreams are made real as often as they are crushed and the opportunity for rebirth and renewal is always there, waiting. Grig's Ring of Woods cannot compete with the sheer size of Central Park; however, its green-spaces, while generally smaller, are spaced about town more evenly while offering more amenities, such as clean public bathrooms, high-speed Wi-Fi, and performance spaces within which artists and members of the public can perform, share, and congregate, year-round. In New York City, prostitutes and drug dealers have been forced to retreat behind closed doors and to execute their trades away from the public eye; in Grig, though, as in most other Grigovian cities, these specialty services have their own districts and unions, colors and routines, circumstances which conspire to improve the health and wellbeing of such citizens as are interested in buying clean sex or unadulterated cocaine. (A glaring exception is alcohol. Grigovians, who are intelligent enough to apply the lessons learned through scientific inquiry, classify booze as a hard drug; it is sold only to persons of legal age; those who abuse it are treated similarly to the poor, lost souls who have succumbed to meth-amphetamine or heroin.)

Another differences between these two cities is the number of police officers roaming NYC. Whereas in Grig the streets are kept safe by the united vigilance and mutual respect of its inhabitants, and people go about their business without fear of institutionalized reproach or admonition, in New York one is constantly watching one's back to make sure there are no cops snooping, or spying. The police state that exists within Gotham closely resembles that of Nazi Germany during the 1930s and -40s, with the modern addition of cameras and other surveillance technology, facial-recognition-software, and crime-prediction algorithms. To top things off, legions of homeless children populate this city's dirty and forgotten places, where they are exposed to violence, hatred, and filth, while in Grig, these too-easily disenfranchised individuals have access to resources and programs which provide them with the tools they need to become productive and happy members of society, once more. That this American metropolis allows its young people to huddle and shiver, ignored and unwanted, in the shadows of glass-and-steel temples that reach into the skies in honor of greed says a lot about its dark and twisted soul.

In all, according to Erya, New York is a nice city to visit, so long as one has money to burn. (Miss Rovend spent less than a quarter of the funds allotted her for her stay by the Glorious Republic of Grigovia, preferring modest quarters to presidential suites, simple meals to lavish feasts, and the freedom of walking to the mobile prison of a taxi-cab.) She invites every American to come see Grig, where they might learn a lesson or two about the benefits of mutual prosperity through individual modesty and communal sacrifice.

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hovercraft replace trains

To the delight of many commuters, some of whom had resorted to running, bicycling, or trying to catch a ride to get to work in the lower portions of New York City, this city's Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) announced today that it would leave many miles of track flooded and replace some trains with boats. Said chief engineer Alonzo Cristobol de Luz y de los Diaz, 57, of Bedford-Stuyvesant, while standing in knee-deep trying to restart a pump, “In order to get things moving again down here,we're gonna be using either hovercraft or the type of shallow-bottomed boats those gator hunters use in the Florida everglades. Strung together bow to stern and propelled by jet turbines set just above the water-line, these watercraft will allow our organization to provide the quality, on-time service the people of New York have come to expect while eliminating future outages due to global-climate-change-related flooding.”

“This fuckin' sucks,” said Geronimo D'ad'uubak, 22, who lives in the Bronx. “I hate boats, especially boats that go through tunnels.” “Yeah,” added 52-year-old tablet computer enthusiast Harold K. P. Wang, from the Upper West Side. “Last year, I accidentally dropped each new tablet computer – roughly 7 or 8 devices – onto the tracks while waiting for trains and not paying attention to my surroundings; each time, the station supervisor sent a nice man down to get it for me – after the man had waited for a thumbs-up from the signalman. Now, if I drop one of these babies onto the tracks, it'll sink and die. Do they expect me to buy shockproof AND waterproof covers for all my gadgets?” Various MTA workers interviewed along Mr. Wang's regular route expressed dismay over his inability to maintain a firm grip on his personal belongings, and wished he would be more careful.

In addition to the self-propelled boats mentioned above (which, as with trains, would require the worker driving them from one station to the next to be trained in the intricacies of nautical navigation, including interpretation of the new flag-based signaling system and the difference between port and starboard), the MTA is planning to replace trains with narrow-bodied, hybrid-electric hovercraft for sections of track that move out of tunnels onto elevated tracks. (Instead of trying to climb the elevated tracks and becoming stranded as their cushions deflate, plans call for the hovercraft to merge with street-bound, four-wheeled traffic and to reacquire the tracks once these return to ground-level.) “Our new service will obviate the need to shut down vast sections of track due to flooding,” said the city's superintendent-of-pathways Eleina Honduisen. “If anything, flooded sections of track will allow us to expand the use of self-propelled skiffs and turbine-driven hovercraft to areas where track repair is becoming too costly in terms of tax-dollars or too dangerous in terms of the risk of electrified or contaminated groundwater. We are currently studying the emergence rates of various water-borne diseases and plan to forestall spikes in cholera and dysentery by maintaining a high chlorine-to-water ratio in the flooded areas similar to the mixture found in swimming pools. Things will soon be back to normal and AOK, alpha oscar kilo.” No city agency has yet released a statement regarding whether or not the city's inhabitants will be allowed to hitch their personal watercraft to hovercraft and be towed to their destinations.

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)

cyber nanny debuts

Are you struggling to keep your shitty fucking kids off your back? Do you ever worry that they're not watching enough television? Have your growled threats stopped working on them, and have they stopped caring if you threaten them with bodily harm? If so, then come on down to Jebb Foarman's Big Store of Crap for Absentee and Shitty Parents, located out by that one rusting tractor right before you get to the Hermndsville Road bridge on route 946 South. We've just received a shipping container full of like-new HGDXR-77 cyber nannies (fresh off-the-boat from far Chineee), and we're sure we've got one just for you.

Your very own cyber nanny will curse at them regularly, bemoaning the fact that they were ever even born in the first place. She'll drink seventeen light beers and pass out, so you don't have to (at least not at home). She comes factory-equipped with two whole feet of thick rubber tubing bolted to her left paw-mandible, for those daily senseless beatings. Also standard are nine separate LCD screens set in at angles and locations scientifically proven to sap your rotten spawn of the will to excel at life and coated with a waterproofing glaze that also helps to maximum the brain-numbing effects of prolonged exposure to hyper-slick, kid-oriented content. Is that not enough? Add screens to your heart's content (available for purchase at our store) using only a glue-gun, a steady hand, and a pair of crimping shears. Program your HGDXR-77's screens to all display the same show, or switch on her Wi-Fi transceiver and pipe programming in from the magical content-mills in distant Hollywood, tethering your child to yet another squawking box and training her to be a lifelong consumer. (Who needs creativity or critical thinking, anyway, when everything today is so damn easy?)

Is that still not enough? Buy and install a Mobile Maelstrom Sugary Liquid Dispenser (MSRP $79.99), which will squirt a quart of high-fructose-corn-syrup-containing juice analog into your tyke's suck-hole every hour on the hour, for up to three days. Plus, each HGDXR-77 unit comes with a simple remote control you can use to override her semi-autonomous programming and have her give that one little shit an extra wallop or ride over that other useless turd's leg with her hard rubber tank-treads. Or, download the new Cyber-Nanny app (starting at only $47.99) and really get into some bad parenting by recording drunken rants for her to play back at random, by using her many built-in cameras to violate the tattered shreds of your progeny's personal privacy, or by activating her pneumatic breeching tool to finally get your stubborn son out of the fucking downstairs closet where he's been hiding from his just desserts like a scared little bitch. Yup, my fellow shitty parents, this new model will be sure to help you mold yet another promising generation into belly-fat-gaining, expensive-tablet-phone-buying, false-economy-loving pieces of shit, just like you. So come on down to Jebb's, and pick up a cyber nanny of your own, today. (The first fifteen customers to mention this article get a free Layzee Lumpfish® tote-bag. In-house financing is available for life-weary, debt-loving wage slaves.)

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)

church of Episcopaleontologists

The St. Yuseph of Shale and St. Yaneena of Limestone branches of the Reformed Church of Episcopaleontologists are seeking members and clergy, alike. Located in a geologically-active region of America's Southwest, we Episcopaleontologists celebrate the endless and magnificent diversity of rock formations, sedimentary buildups, glacial deposits, and meteoric sky-fall while answering only to our own board of bishops, whenever we feel like it.

Come one and all to marvel at the colorful Wall Of Blessed Striations, located just down the road from Carlsbad Caverns State Park, New Mexico. Join a guided bus tour – at no cost to you! – of the Painted Desert in the Petrified Forest National Park, Arizona. (Tours leave every Tuesday morning from the parking lot near the Solemn Stone Sepulcher, which perches over the Pecos River.) Learn about the founders of Episcopaleontologism, brave pioneers who drove the angry and murderous Red Man from the region during the glory days of our Manifest Destiny, spreading peace and religious freedom wherever their worn boot-soles happened to fall. Shop to your heart's content in the well-stocked and expertly-staffed Bishop's Gulch Gift Shop, located opposite the Denny's on Route 91.

If you love rocks, and to be ruled by bishops, the Reformed Church of Episcopaleontologists (RCEP) is for you. So come on down – to talk rocks, to buy non-precious gems, or to catch a game of Christ's Rock-Hounds, our inter-mural softball team. You'll be glad you did. (The RCEP never discriminates based on race, sex, or physical ability; no previous geological experience required.)

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

pants “still wet”

To the consternation of one Delilah Veronique U'utumblondh, 78, a retired green-grocer from the South Bronx, New York, her favorite walking pants – the ones that wick moisture nicely and that fit snugly around her thighs – are still quite damp. “They had originally gotten wet the other day when I was gardening on 6th and B,” said Ms. U'utumblondh as she was mounting the steps to her narrow but brightly-painted row home. “I thought that by wearing them yesterday while walking with the ladies from the community center on our daily hike through town to pick up trash that they would dry out. But, alas, they are still quite damp here, and here.” The native New Yorker, whose parents had emigrated to the United States from Ghana in the 1950s, sighed deeply in an apparent effort to control her emotions, shaking her head as if to drive away tears. Then, she entered her home, straightened up a bit in the downstairs living-room, removed the moisture-tainted pants, and hung them to dry on her backyard drying rack instead of putting them in the clothes-drier, since it looked like it was going to be a sunny day outside after all.

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on the Straight Pride Parade

In a well-coordinated move meant to prove impartiality toward any particular group of citizens, and to make sure that no one feels left out, the confederated cities of America announced today events meant to celebrate heterosexual populations. Similar in breadth and in scope to events celebrating homosexual populations, Straight Pride Day shall highlight the role of heterosexuals in making this nation into the really great place it is today. “These vanilla-wafer-type non-gays just keep getting more and more tame by the year,” said alderman Walton K'Kliklei, the city of New York's primary liaison to the straights, in a brief statement following the official announcement. Straight Pride Day will culminate in the staging of forcibly awkward public mass sit-down dinner dates.

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