haiku 13 Dec 2018

From the mouths of babes

Comes all sorts of strange babble

All wreathed in bubbles americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 20 Sep 2018

To find employment 
Word of mouth works best, of course;
It sure beats begging 

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

a Catholic beating

Brazenly violating the teachings of her purported savior and the rules of common courtesy, a supposedly-pious area mother assaults and batters her own, unruly child. “We just can't control her anymore,” the mother is reported to have said. “She curses at us, complaining because we only listen to the Christian radio stations while driving in our car. I went to smack her on the mouth the other day, for saying something stupid and for using a bad word, and the child jerked away from my hand and tried to run away from me. What kind of little shit won't stand still and take her just licks? Incredible.”

Contrary to this news team's initial speculation, the woman's priest, an anal-retentive man with painfully fair skin and a disproportionately large food gut, was not troubled upon hearing about the woman's physical abusive of a child supposedly in his flock, saying, “YHWH gave that woman's husband absolute power over her and that child, but, since the husband is a spineless lightweight and the woman bore the child for nine months, squeezing it out of a tiny hole in her nether-regions, she has the right to discipline it as she sees fit, which, of course, includes smacking it on the mouth whenever she wants to. So long as she does not stop publicly praising Jesus and making regular donations at the church office, she could even kill the child without us so much as batting an eye; in fact, YHWH demands that parents kill unruly children.” (Leviticus 20:9)

Due to the ever-present threat of violence at home, the unruly child has been staying with her aunt and uncle, who do not beat children, since they are worthless fucking heathens. The abusive mother declined our request for interview, stating that she had to organize the next session of 40-days-for-life, a wearisome series of public protests during which the Catholic community labors to restrict a woman's right to her own body, attempting to codify the more radical Biblical teachings into law by legally banning such things as abortion, and birth-control. When cornered at a local discount retailer and asked – in light of her youngest child's severe mental retardation – if she would consider not having any more children to avoid making more handicapped babies, the 43-year-old woman began to scream uncontrollably, lashing out at anyone who came within her reach and babbling incoherently about religious freedom. When we explained to an inquisitive onlooker what was going on, he said, “Jesus tells us to do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves; I don't think he intended for some dumb bitch to discipline her kid by punching it in the face.”

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docile raccoons for sale

Looking for that perfect birthday present for your sister's preschooler? Can't think of what to bring to your cousin's wedding? Agonizing over how to bring a smile to your spouse's face? If so, we at Ray B.'s Once-Wild Animal Sanctuaries have just the thing for you! Look no farther than through the steel-wire-mesh fence at our newest batch of docile, panting, oh-so-cuddly raccoons! Each frothy-mouthed beast comes with a pair of thick leather gloves to make handling and petting a safe and fun-filled breeze!

Watch with wonder as these normally-wild animals toddle over and all but lay down at your feet, begging for you to bring your thin-skinned fingers close enough to their mouths for them to bite you. Those little rascals! Their confused and often aggressive antics are sure to light up any stuffy office party, and their sweat-slick pelts all but beg to be washed, combed, and prettied up with lacy, red bows. Have a 'coon-combing party! Dare your friends to pull shiny coins from their pulsating, swollen throats! It's so much fun, we double-dog-dare you to do it.

Dear friends, loyal customers, do not delay further! So come on down to Ray B.'s for a furry little wonder of your own, today. (We also sell docile opossums, befuddled flying squirrels, toddling tree-squirrels, and addled baby deer, all of which come with a pair of thick, Kevlar-lined leather handling-gloves and the telephone number for your nearest infectious-disease clinic.)

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

how to buy love

You can't buy love.
Many misguided individuals repeat this phrase, denying themselves love for any number of reasons.
I'm too ugly, they say, or I'm just not a nice person.


Nonsense.

It's true, you can't actually exchange money for love at the brokerage next to the Friendly's on Locust Street. But you can buy nice clothes for someone, take them on fancy cruises, pay for their haircuts, support their hobbies, and put food in their bellies. And if you're cruising and feeding and supporting them, and you are there with them while these things are happening, that person will love you.

It's human nature.

Now, they might just love you on that day, or for the week after you bought them a new sweater, and they might just love you physically with their hands or their mouth, but they're still loving you.

Suck it up. Learn to love yourself, and the rest will fall into place 

But don't waste your efforts on someone who knows how terrible you are - spend it on a child.

Impregnate somebody, adopt, or buy the child. Human trafficking is bigger business that drug trafficking these days, so it shouldn't be too hard to pick up a cute little tyke at one of the crack dens you frequent. 

Don't be afraid to ask. You'd be surprised.

A child will love you no matter what you do.

You can say terrible things to it and call it racist names - it will love you.

You can abandon it in Wichita, and when the police return it to you, it will still love you.

You can feed it junk food until it gets fat and has diabetes, but it will still love you.

It doesn't have a choice.

But seriously. All you need is some sort of plan and a bit of disposable income, and you can buy someone's love. They might leave once they figure out that you're a cunning, deceitful fake, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, my friend. And what's the difference between fake love and real love, anyway?

As long as people are being born, you will have a fresh batch of people whose love you can buy once they come of legal age, every few months. And if you impregnate one or two of them along the way, or get pregnant by this or that person, then you'll have a child to love you, and you won't have to spend so damn much money.

There is no consensus on what constitutes love. Priests say one thing, scholars say another, and drunks say something else entirely. There is no way to explain love, no way to share the extent of the chemical reaction in your brain that occurs when it hits, so why not just keep things simple.


Lower your standards, don't get your hopes up, and start loving yourself.

You'll thank me eventually.

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