ring sales soar

In the wake of a recent spell of marriage die-offs in Spokane, WA, area jewelry retailers are reporting a spike in sales of engagement rings and wedding bands. “People seem to be responding to the sudden, concentrated death of so many unions by wanting to obtain tools to allow them to get engaged or renew their previous vows,” said sociologist Henriett Weinstone, PhD, who researches lasting romantic bonds of commitment at Iowa State University. “It’s really been a bumper fall, so far,” said Raj Rahandawan, owner of Matrimonial Memories Emporium, a jewelry store in Liberty Lake, WA. “I feel sorry for all the many marriages that have died. Business, however, has been good.”

Recent mass marriage die-offs have been reported in cities across the United States. In a statement, the Confederated Wedding Band Manufacturers and Retailers Group, which represents the industry, said: “Individuals decide whether or not to get and stay married; they use our products as they see best fit, according to their constitutional rights. So long as people decide to dedicate themselves to each other, until death them parts, we’ll be there to give them the tools they need to get the job done.”

To tackle the recent romantic tragedies, singles groups and online dating services have stepped up their efforts to bring people together in state-sanctioned matrimony.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

princess Thallandia weds

Hearken here, persons interested in the goings-on of such quasi-royal Grigovians as the princess-in-exile, her somewhat-royal-highness Thallandia Yündlennd (the “somewhat” was included here at the princess's insistence, to convey, in part, modesty). Fleeing as a babe of not yet three months-of-age the country of her birth during its violent, turbulent period of forcible conversion to Soviet-style socialism (said conversion occurring only in the early 1970s, incensed Grigovians having fought it at every turn), Miss Yündlennd was raised alternately in London, Ghent, Nairobi, Bangkok, and Los Angeles. An avid bicyclist, published author, daredevil social-activist, and master of both wing-chung and Shaolin-style kung-fu, princess Thallandia recently announced her acceptance of a request-for-matrimony first suggested to her some years ago by her long-time beau, son-of-the-American-revolution, anarchistic pamphleteer, and downright-loathsome scumhound Reginald Augustus Steele.

According to insider reports, princess Thallandia is pregnant with twins, which she is expected to throw well before the date of the actual wedding itself. As Miss Yündlennd and Mister Steele are each scions of their respective clans, many persons both inside and outside their families hope that they will have a bunch of kids, together molding them into bad-ass-motherfuckers. When asked during a live-chat sponsored by the Internet-website weluvprincessthallandia.net if she were concerned about being engaged to – and pregnant with the seed of – a crazy-tattoo-having, own-hair-cutting, legendarily-unpredictable commoner, her somewhat-royal-highness said, simply, “No.”

As of press-time, the princess was last seen exiting – with Mr. Steele – an invitation-only firing range in East L.A. In a brief interview conducted via telephone, the owner of the firing range, one Felix Fillberto-Henandez, said that while at the range Miss Yündlennd made use of an AK-74 assault rifle, a Smith & Wesson .40 caliber revolver, and at least a dozen throwing knives, using the different weapons well and with diligent and respectful care. The prince-to-be is reported to have brought his own weapon, an AA-12 semi-automatic shotgun, with which he can shoot the caps off of beer bottles at 50 paces by the light of a crescent moon. Reports indicate that most of her quasi-subjects support the princess, while urging, almost unanimously, that she, “Not expect to return home with her painted boyfriend and a slew of children only to have honest, everyday Grigovians fawn over her and pay for her to live a luxurious and comfortable life in mansions and palaces.” The princess, Grigovians indicated, is welcome to move into the royals' own two-bedroom flat on Grig's outskirts, where, however, she shall still be expected to pay utilities.

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docile raccoons for sale

Looking for that perfect birthday present for your sister's preschooler? Can't think of what to bring to your cousin's wedding? Agonizing over how to bring a smile to your spouse's face? If so, we at Ray B.'s Once-Wild Animal Sanctuaries have just the thing for you! Look no farther than through the steel-wire-mesh fence at our newest batch of docile, panting, oh-so-cuddly raccoons! Each frothy-mouthed beast comes with a pair of thick leather gloves to make handling and petting a safe and fun-filled breeze!

Watch with wonder as these normally-wild animals toddle over and all but lay down at your feet, begging for you to bring your thin-skinned fingers close enough to their mouths for them to bite you. Those little rascals! Their confused and often aggressive antics are sure to light up any stuffy office party, and their sweat-slick pelts all but beg to be washed, combed, and prettied up with lacy, red bows. Have a 'coon-combing party! Dare your friends to pull shiny coins from their pulsating, swollen throats! It's so much fun, we double-dog-dare you to do it.

Dear friends, loyal customers, do not delay further! So come on down to Ray B.'s for a furry little wonder of your own, today. (We also sell docile opossums, befuddled flying squirrels, toddling tree-squirrels, and addled baby deer, all of which come with a pair of thick, Kevlar-lined leather handling-gloves and the telephone number for your nearest infectious-disease clinic.)

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