‘healthy’ bloke sneezes

In the latter months of the year 2018 (Common Era), local citizen Eduard Theodore Barnham, a supposed health freak who eats salad and pedals a muscle-powered bicycle, sneezed directly into the palm of his hand. Immediately thereafter he sprang right back into life, using same to handle money and open doors, greet other people with handshakes, even prepare a sandwich for his second-oldest child.

An initial inquiry revealed that Mr Barnham has never seen, read about, or hear of the many public health awareness campaigns encouraging people to sneeze into the crook of their arms, into the sleeve, lap, gap between the chest and upper garment, or literally anywhere else but into their own #%*! hands. Sources close to Mr Barnham report however that he is incapable of changing his sneezing habits despite having been informed, repeatedly, by each of his three children at separate times how to sneeze properly in the modern age. “I just don’t believe that the way I sneeze is such a big deal,” Mr Barnham concluded, shaking his head with a rueful smile. “You just can’t teach this old dog new tricks, I guess.”

Seven people at Eduard’s workplace have come down sick with symptoms similar to whatever he had two weeks ago.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

tail and run

Our leaders are scumbags our cops break the law our money’s worth little our glaciers have thawed we poison the waters and dig up the land the sinister killing the dexterous hand. Huge banks receive trillions of dollars to stay afloat open solvent for a few more days the Army’s lost trillions too oh what a bummer but hey listen to this feel-good song for summer. Let’s fiddle along as the whole structure burns and be done with worry and doubt and concern instead lining up with our jackboots on tight with blood set to boil with torches alight. America’s bounty must not be spread out to hardworking peons and upstanding louts - it’s that of the elite who sit at the top who’ve found in taxpayers a sure source to tap who milk and who bilk us then turn tail and run to where they have hidden their wrongly gained sums. If this standard business continues apace there won’t be much left here on Earth for our race but paved-over wetlands but clouds of sour rain but legions of innocents suffering pain. To return to balance most us of must die (at least sixty percent if not eighty-five) whether from starvation or terror event - Mom Nature won’t rest ‘til her full wrath is spent. Sleep well in this knowledge do not get upset for there is some hope and promise for us yet provided we turn from our self-centered ways in these next few shallow and woebegone days.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

a foul fortune

There was a foul fortune that showed up one day but each of us knew it would ruin our day. Its origins shady its true purpose masked yet there in the bright and harsh daylight it basked. A full ton of greenbacks much covered in gore sat there at the stoop of our unvarnished door and reeked to the heavens and caused a small scene yet all of us knew it was too far from clean for us to accept it and spent it on goods so we duly dragged it out back to the woods. We there tried to burn it up far from our yard but were with high treason first sentenced then charged by agents arriving from central D.C. who set about shackling us with howling glee. 'This was some blood-payment, your taxes helped kill, those terrorist madmen who maim and haunt still but since you rejected this money we gave we'll send you all quietly to unmarked graves. You spoke out too oft 'gainst our World War of Terror and that was your final and quite fateful error for yours was agreement both tacit and true that granted our forces the power to do things like bombing hospitals and wedding guests and yes a few madmen in suicide vests. Collateral damage is part of the game and now we will visit upon you the same for you sat there scared in your comfy abode and let us your precious protections erode. The U.S. is fascist and we like it thus and now you will feel the full might of our thrust for we cannot stand by and let you all go your seedlings of doubt hope and thoughtfulness sow. Your neighbors are timid they took the cash in and sat back as we blew up their far-distant kin and turned on the TV and ate up their snacks and cared not if we bombed a few run-down shacks in Yemen or Iraq Niger Pakistan or slaughtered child grandpa or fleeing woman. Your neighbors were smarter than you by a mile just look as they gaze at us with empty smiles for they are fat clueless and good worker bees who kowtow on broken and muddy stained knees whenever we show up to round up dumb fools who criticize such great American tools as rain missiles unseen from skies blue and bright in manners resembling the terrorists' fright. Goodnight then you foolish ones who dared to speak that one time not long ago by a few weeks – your voices forever we extinguish here to prove that our resolve is frightfully clear.' With that we were garroted making no sound and dumped without rites into holes in the ground our home was demolished our memory banned by what was not long ago an honest land.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

faces of women

The first bills we printed in May, 1810, included the faces of women and men. There was brave Queen Pylta defending a moat upon the 100 talent banking note, then there was our maiden, fair Nuuzstathena, upon what was then the 10 talent drachma. We also have honored dames foreign and not who labored to improve all of mankind's lot, like Keller Luxembourg Frank Yiessht and Curie on much of our land's official currency. We urge now the E.U., the Ynki, the Rus, to celebrate people who have shaped for us the world as we know it the world that is ours for sharing their thoughts hopes dreams and working-hours. If not for the imprint of many a lass we'd likely be living without any class and lapping at puddles and holed up in caves and not much confronting the fault of our ways. Now pull out a fifty now cast you a glance and keep you that boner-farm tucked in your pants for all of those ladies that live on your cash will save and avenge you and that in a flash. So raise you a toast to the girl at your side, for she is the source of most all of our pride, for hers is a mighty and sharply-tuned brain that's saved us from ruin again and again.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥]

U.S. legislators stop accepting bribes

Following their ouster on National Public Radio (NPR), which did a segment last week called Forget Stocks Or Bonds, Invest In A Lobbyist (or, How Representatives Sell Out America), this nation's Congresswomen, Congressmen, and Senators have decided – unanimously – to stop being such money-grubbing, re-election-focused whores. Early last Friday morning, in the Capitol rotunda in Washington, D.C., all members of the House and Senate gathered to declare, in unison, “We have seen the error of our ways. We understand that this type of behavior ruins our fledgling democracy, that it tramples upon the voices of those citizens who cannot constantly contribute to our re-election campaigns, and that it destroys everything Americans have fought for, and died for, since the early days of this republic.”

The legislators, who until now had not even tried to hide the fact that they were selling their souls, their voices, and their access to – and influence over – the legislative process to anyone capable of physically handing them a check upwards of thirty-five thousand dollars ($35,000), wept with shame. “We are heartless bastards who have lost sight of our purpose,” said Speaker John Boehner. “Our real job is to speak to the people of our districts directly and to figure out what it is that they need; our job is not to sit around in tax-payer-funded offices and to hold court to see how many checks we can collect in a single day, nor is it to champion legislation such as that favorable merely to big business, to big corporations, our to our most frequent individual cash donors.”

To the amazement of the staff here at Mentiri Factorem Truth-Seeking & Truth-Speaking, it is not illegal for an elected official to sell his or her influence outright, nor do such despicable acts of flagrant corruption legally violate the standards of decency, the rules of common sense, the parameters of the Constitution, or the essence of the Declaration of Independence. Said D.C. occupier Herrold K. Chesterfeld, a computer programmer from a state on the Eastern seaboard, whose job was sold last year to an overseas conglomerate that had paid the Senator from his state a lot of cash-money to sanction the sale, “My great-great-great-great-great grandfather did not die during the Siege of Boston so that some pompous, millionaire official could pad his re-election coffers by selling my job to a group of rich scumbags in South Asia. Legislators are supposed to represent the interests of the individual citizen, individually, but when they cow-tow to persons or corporations that have heaps of money to burn, they prove that they are no better than slaves or truck-stop knob-slobbers. We need jobs in my state, we need health-care, we need reasonably-priced, high-quality, American-made food, shelter, and clothing – this circus, this fiasco, has gone on for long enough.”

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

on ninety-nine victories

Success, friends, success. Huzzah. By liberating the neo-serfs of today's lowest and groveling classes, the 99% has brought to a close a process that began in the late 1840s. Victory's proof: starting on 13 April 2012, in enlightened and far-thinking nations across the globe, all debts shall be wiped away, all crimes shall be forgiven, decent and well-paying jobs shall appear as if magically from thin air, and housing, food, health-care, and clothing shall be provided to anyone in need. Truly, it shall be, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” (this being our motto). Marx and Engels would be proud of our stalwart revolutionary zeal and steadfast, unflinching dedication to the task at hand.

Seriously, we have won, and by winning, I mean that, across the board, we have eliminated corruption, money-lust, environmental degradation, and self-enslavement to entertainment and consumer products. My congressman promised it on the news this morning – I swear I heard him say something to that effect. Huzzah. So, let's all go home and have a nice cup of tea, since our overwhelming anger and simmering hostility have compelled the people in power, whom we call the compassionate and honor-bound bourgeoisie, to relinquish their lofty posts and to leave on the first corporate jet for sunnier shores as yet untouched by our righteous fury. History shows that all previous ruling classes have readily relinquished their power when faced with persistent popular protests. We've got this thing sewn up: our gains are assured, the power is back in the hands of people other than millionaire, re-election obsessed politicians, and our rapacious, trickle-up national financial policy is a thing of the past. Besides – those pleasant-looking riot cops keep inching closer this way, my iPad is almost out of juice, and this mocha-frappuccino is not even close to being cold, so, seriously, come on, guys, let's get going. And again, Huzzah.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

declaration of corporate supremacy

When in the course of pursuing profits it becomes necessary to remind the People for whom it is they toil, and to formulate the rules by which they shall lead their lives, we, the assembled capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States (but not necessarily operating here), only occasionally and perfunctorily respectful to the Opinions of Mankind, declare that the economic wellbeing of our executive boards and voting members by far outweighs the Right of the People to Safety and Happiness. The original Declaration of Independence, that document upon which the United States was founded, those words that might have given mankind the right to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, is, and has for some time now been, a dead and forgotten document, its declaration of unalienable rights null and void, its formulation of the core principle of the role of government - to bring about the Safety and the Happiness of the People - ground to dust under the jack-boot of our Capitalistic Greed.

We hold these Lies to be enforceable through police action: that a small percentage of Americans should by rights reap the profits generated by the labor of all who work in this country; that we have the right to speculate with and to risk the invested monies of those Americans stupid enough to have entrusted us with their savings, and, when our speculations fail and millions of Americans lose their hard-won gains, to be safe and secure in our gated communities, our ill-begotten money protected by the federal government, our risky businesses kept from failing by the taxes paid by the very people whom we had hoodwinked originally; that we shall profit from the sale of drugs, such as alcohol and tobacco, that are legally available to the People, drugs that kill them by the hundreds of thousands and maim them by the millions, while supporting the persecution and the imprisonment of the People in for-profit penitentiaries owned and run by us, for the crime of consuming drugs not to our liking, such as marijuana, drugs that have no discernible negative affect on their health or on their Happiness; that the US government should wage un-winnable wars against faceless foes (see the "war on terror") so that we may continue to manufacture, develop, and sell arms and weaponry, wars that might be won only if every person on Earth were placed in concentration camps and forcibly lobotomized; that we have the Right, through unscrupulous and down-right false advertising, to convince the People that unbridled consumption and unchecked personal debt are the bedrock of the American Dream, that Happiness does not grow from within, that it is not a fragile state of mind that blossoms from patience and self-understanding, but that it is something we cram into our wallets and pocket-books, that we spend in our shopping plazas, that we waste on useless items that supposedly make life easier but that are little more than clutter; that it was our patriotic duty to abandon the American manufacturing sector for foreign shores, sacrificing the jobs of millions of our countrymen to boost our profit-margins, allowing children across the Pacific Rim to work as slave-laborers in free-economic zones so that unemployed Americans could buy cheap goods that break soon after use; that we have the Right, regardless of the complaints of tree-hugging hippies, to rape and destroy the land for short-term gain, to saturate the lands with chemicals to make plants grow instead of learning from the soil, to poison the streams with mine-tailings, to clear-cut the once-great forests for export, and to pump the animals we slaughter for food full of steroids and antibiotics instead of providing them with clean and open places in which to live out their short and pathetic lives; that we have willingly and to vast personal profit rejuvenated the methods of the ancient Romans for controlling the lower classes by providing them with bread (fast food) and circuses (television), methods that poison the body and the mind but that keep the rabble blessedly quiet and contented throughout their pitiful and mostly worthless lives; that we will run our corporate societies, not as democracies, but as quasi-totalitarian states, while convincing our workers that, through hard and dedicated labor, they might reach the highest rungs of our bogus organizations, while, in reality, they will, after infighting, backstabbing, and reckless self-promotion, find themselves flung out into the cold, the pathways to our fleeting and hollow ranks closed to all but a most rapacious and lustful few.

  At no point in the long yet subtle Process of making a mockery of this once great Nation did we pause to consider that our hoarding of the nation's wealth would violate the Constitutional directive of promoting the general Welfare, although we will, by funneling the collective wealth of all Americans into the pockets of our cronies and fellow oligarchs, secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and to our Posterity, not to all Americans equally, but to those who have, as we have, dutifully sacrificed their sacred Honor on the altar of Capitalisic Greed, who have shat, as we have shat, upon the once-grand notion of Liberty and Justice for All. We have stopped our ears to the Voice of Justice, preferring rather the Shreik of Lies, preferring rather to profit from spying on the People (through the sale and maintenance of the materials necessary to the surveilance society), under the falsely-titled and unpatiotic Patiot Act, rejoicing in the violation of the flimsy protections once, but no longer, afforded the People by the Constitution.

  All this we pledge, and more, for: we have the means to lobby the Legislature for our own gain; we have the money with which to live comfortably for ten lifetimes while millions of American children go to bed hungry each night; we have convinced the People that consumption is preferrable to ingenuity, that watching TV is preferrable to creative expression and the telling of stories, that there is a universal formula for Happiness, a formula that starts with a dollar sign. We, therefore, the capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States, Assembled, appealing to none but our majority share-holders, by our own authority and the might of our wrongly appropriated wealth, brazenly Publish and Declare, that this Country belongs to Us now, that the dream of a more perfect Union has no place in the world of top-few-capitalism, that ninety-nine percent of all Americans shall toil ceaselessly to make us, those of the remaining One Percent, rich beyond reckoning, that governemnt is not instituted to secure the Rights of the People, and that they have neither the Right to alter nor to abolish their governemnt, even though it long ago abandoned them to satisfy the needs of the most monied few, as it is too late, and they waited too long to act.

  So suck it, you hard-working American fools, suck it good and hard.

how to buy love

You can't buy love.
Many misguided individuals repeat this phrase, denying themselves love for any number of reasons.
I'm too ugly, they say, or I'm just not a nice person.


Nonsense.

It's true, you can't actually exchange money for love at the brokerage next to the Friendly's on Locust Street. But you can buy nice clothes for someone, take them on fancy cruises, pay for their haircuts, support their hobbies, and put food in their bellies. And if you're cruising and feeding and supporting them, and you are there with them while these things are happening, that person will love you.

It's human nature.

Now, they might just love you on that day, or for the week after you bought them a new sweater, and they might just love you physically with their hands or their mouth, but they're still loving you.

Suck it up. Learn to love yourself, and the rest will fall into place 

But don't waste your efforts on someone who knows how terrible you are - spend it on a child.

Impregnate somebody, adopt, or buy the child. Human trafficking is bigger business that drug trafficking these days, so it shouldn't be too hard to pick up a cute little tyke at one of the crack dens you frequent. 

Don't be afraid to ask. You'd be surprised.

A child will love you no matter what you do.

You can say terrible things to it and call it racist names - it will love you.

You can abandon it in Wichita, and when the police return it to you, it will still love you.

You can feed it junk food until it gets fat and has diabetes, but it will still love you.

It doesn't have a choice.

But seriously. All you need is some sort of plan and a bit of disposable income, and you can buy someone's love. They might leave once they figure out that you're a cunning, deceitful fake, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, my friend. And what's the difference between fake love and real love, anyway?

As long as people are being born, you will have a fresh batch of people whose love you can buy once they come of legal age, every few months. And if you impregnate one or two of them along the way, or get pregnant by this or that person, then you'll have a child to love you, and you won't have to spend so damn much money.

There is no consensus on what constitutes love. Priests say one thing, scholars say another, and drunks say something else entirely. There is no way to explain love, no way to share the extent of the chemical reaction in your brain that occurs when it hits, so why not just keep things simple.


Lower your standards, don't get your hopes up, and start loving yourself.

You'll thank me eventually.

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