500 swings wide

Despite the distance between her car’s wheels being a mere eight (8) feet, Fiat 500 owner Gita L. Dietz enthusiastically swung her car into oncoming traffic in order to make right-hand turns seven times on her way to work (and seven times on her way back from work, later the same evening). Having apparently seen via a video application loaded onto her mobile phone the maneuver performed by a professional driver operating a vehicle with multiple wheelbases (a rig towing a trailer), Gita immediately decided to start doing the same every time she turned her car (which has a single wheelbase).

Friends and neighbors are concerned about the mental wellbeing of Ms Dietz; she tends to signal a turn in one direction before moving her car in the complete opposite direction, which is a lethally dangerous and totally asshole way to conduct oneself as the driver of a compact passenger vehicle. Competent drivers eschew such behavior and simply turn their cars in the direction they want to go without countersteering first. (For more information about some guidelines for how to turn vehicles, consider reading this page from the California DMV.)

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 11 Sep 2018

To cherish good friends

Call in and hand out favors

In equal measure

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

‘healthy’ bloke sneezes

In the latter months of the year 2018 (Common Era), local citizen Eduard Theodore Barnham, a supposed health freak who eats salad and pedals a muscle-powered bicycle, sneezed directly into the palm of his hand. Immediately thereafter he sprang right back into life, using same to handle money and open doors, greet other people with handshakes, even prepare a sandwich for his second-oldest child.

An initial inquiry revealed that Mr Barnham has never seen, read about, or hear of the many public health awareness campaigns encouraging people to sneeze into the crook of their arms, into the sleeve, lap, gap between the chest and upper garment, or literally anywhere else but into their own #%*! hands. Sources close to Mr Barnham report however that he is incapable of changing his sneezing habits despite having been informed, repeatedly, by each of his three children at separate times how to sneeze properly in the modern age. “I just don’t believe that the way I sneeze is such a big deal,” Mr Barnham concluded, shaking his head with a rueful smile. “You just can’t teach this old dog new tricks, I guess.”

Seven people at Eduard’s workplace have come down sick with symptoms similar to whatever he had two weeks ago.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]