haiku 30 July 2017

Before the fist night
Was over, he’d given up
Principles hard won.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

transgender soldiers wanted

The all-volunteer armed forces of Grigovia (www.gov.ggv/fightforfreedom) invite any Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, or Curious (LGBTQC) people to join in our mission of making the world a safer place for all peace-loving individuals. We firmly believe that every living person has both great inherent value and a vital role to play in combating the base scourges of quasi-religious terrorism, imperialist warmongering, as well as terrorist and racist tactics and rhetoric employed increasingly by various world leaders.

Gender-reassignment and other services tailored to the needs of LGBTQC soldiers will be provided without question or hesitation. As per a recent study by Rand, transgender warriors make any fighting force better. Shame on anyone who says differently.

Pay no mind to persons angry and full of hatred. All are welcome in Grigovia, where love and freedom abound.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

economics encourage emigration

Following nearly a decade of un- and underemployment, more people are now leaving than are entering the United States. “I had a decent job and a seemingly secure future before the Great Recession hit in oh eight,” said Randal E. Cummings, a machinist from the South. “Then the Fed just up and gave - no-strings-attached - two or three trillion dollars to the banks failing due to greedy and shortsighted practices, however. By doing so, the Fed stole wealth from the masses and gave it to already rich bank executives, who in turn gave themselves raises and million dollar golden parachutes. That just broke the American spirit; this place hasn’t been the same since.” Most of the nations to which the Ynki are relocating sit in Europe and Asia, where strong societal and political controls discourage the election of autocratic blowhards, and where citizens are engaged and informed enough to fight back against government corruption.

Researchers indicate that more people are emigrating from the U.S. than in any year since the start of the Great Depression, another time when banks stole billions from average Americans. “What with all our wealth siphoned off and an orange asshole in the oval office, it’s time to seek greener pastures,” said Yolanda M. Smithey, mother of three. “Land of the free, home of the brave? More like: Get on your knees, you foolish slaves.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

legal lèse leche laws

Wisconsin became the first state in the U.S.A. to ban all imagery, speech, or writing that appears or seems to appear to criticize milk or its derivatives. A special Madison prosecutor will oversee all cases relating to criminal libel committed against any type or preparation of cheese, ice cream, milk, and yogurt that is based on cow’s milk. The minimum penalty for committing such an act will be no fewer than five (5) years in a state prison.

Wisconsin authorities are working with Internet providers to restrict access to websites that provide anything but positive information in support of the dairy industry as well as its delicious and nutritious products. Any Wisconsinite who notices that a neighbor or friend is consuming less than his or her full daily allotment of milk is required by law to report said individual to the local police department. “A cornerstone industry, dairy production and processing will be protected at all costs, be they environmental, ethical, legal, moral, or sundry,” said deputy governor Harris B. Schildhand, a former dairy industry executive. “Henceforth also banned are the production of milks or cheeses made using soy, almond, rice, or any other non-dairy material.” The minimum penalty for producing one gallon of a non-dairy milk will be one year in prison.

According to an official statement, milk and its derivatives are among the best foods available. In no way does cow’s milk (which was designed by Mother Nature herself to make small cows grow big and strong) negatively affect the gut bacteria or overall health of the average American man, woman, or child. There is no such thing as a cow’s milk allergy or an intolerance to cheese, ice cream, or milk. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying. Every cent of the billions of dollars invested in lobbying for increased milk and cheese consumption has been money well spent. Remember: your government is watching you, so drink your milk, today, or be sorry, tomorrow.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 20 July 2017

It won’t go away
The fabric of self-doubting.
Learn to sap its strength.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 18 July 2017

I must remember
That these days are all I have,
That they are precious.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 16 July 2017

He avoided vice
As long as his luck allowed.
It caught up with him.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

another bad witch

A bad witch named Baya lived on the edges of the Web, near its darker fringes. In her yard were cute things, puppies and goslings that, seeming innocent, attracted youngsters.

She quickly infected the minds of children who strayed inside her home, however. On her outspread apron were embroidered images that young people weren’t supposed see, moving pictures of people doing naughty things to each other. The pictures got stuck in the kids’ minds, making them callous and adult at an early age - too early, many argued. Baya changed her address frequently, for she lived in a moving house. On taloned feet it picked its way carefully through the tangled mazes of web domains, always one step ahead of the angry parents following it.

One child, a precocious and prepared young lady, saw what was going on and, as she fled from the bothersome images, dropped behind her a few bits of rotten code. The discarded virus soon took over Baya’s home and brought it crashing to its knobby knees. But much damage had been done to others, many young minds ruined.

And, soon enough, another bad witch took Baya’s place.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

local inventor steamrolled

Facing intense and sustained pressure from the XYZ Corporation out of Wilmington, DE, local Maryland inventor Mr. D. caved to demands. (As per the request of the involved parties, all names have been changed in or removed from this piece.) Instead of continuing to promote and distribute the ingenious device he came up with to efficiently tackle something every American male faces every day, namely (omitted), Mr. D.’s invention is now the property of XYZ. The corporation manufactures and distributes a number of devices men use to (omitted) their (omitted). Their devices, however, have a higher cost and are less efficient than that of Mr. D.

Rumors indicate that Mr. D. received a one-time payout in the high six-figure range to sell the patent and production rights to his device. XYZ claimed that it would start redistributing Mr. D.’s invention as soon as its various overseas manufacturing streams had had time to adjust, and the appropriate number of domestic workers had been fired to recoup the payout costs. Mr. D. promptly set about renovating his parents’ dilapidated row-house.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 9 July 2017

There’s nothing sacred
About hoarding lots of cash.
To thrive, share freely.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

man’s universe implodes

Accustomed to believing everything told to him by the one television channel he thinks tells the truth, local resident Chester T. Whipplebutton suffered a severe reaction to unexpectedly hearing two conflicting points of view. Symptoms of his reaction to the apparent contradiction included a dramatic spike in blood pressure followed by a skin rash similar to hives and a mild stroke.

The incident occurred early last evening during a scheduled commercial break interrupting his favorite news-entertainment show. During the break, the television showed one advertisement for a new menu item at a fast-food chain that claimed it had the tastiest and most juicy burgers. Immediately afterward, however, aired an advertisement for a different fast-food chain in which it, too, claimed to have the tastiest and juiciest burgers. A firm believer in the rule of mutual exclusivity and having trained himself to only believe one idea, notion, or concept at a time, Mr. Whipplebutton entered a state of catatonic shock that has left him in critical condition.

Recent emergency-room statistics indicate a rise in cases similar to the one detailed above. Experts suggest that filter bubbles and saliency biases are partly to blame for Americans’ inability to hold two or more conflicting thoughts in their minds simultaneously.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

asshole bloggers honored

An exclusive crowd of Internet trolls, gaslighters, and shit-posters gathered today at a prestigious hotel in Washington D.C. for the first annual Donald J. Trump Internet Bullying Awards (IBA). In attendance were some of the most vitriolic living persons to ever log onto Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Twitter, and Tumblr.

Many award recipients - fearful of being confronted in real life for their Online shenanigans - chose to attend virtually rather than in person, watching the event through encrypted connections and sharing their opinions in dedicated, invite-only chat rooms. The award for Most Dramatic Drive to Suicide went (in absentia) to M. C., a young lady recently convicted for apparently convincing her former boyfriend to kill himself. 

The award IBA was set up in honor of America’s 45th president, himself a shameless gaslighter who spends his time not focused on solving the nation’s economic ills or defeating Daesh (ISIS) but on trolling journalists and his fellow minor celebrities with hate-filled, fake-news shitposts. Mr. Trump was nominated for the prestigious Online Bully of the Year award, losing however to a racist teenage virgin from West Virginia.


americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

sway the vote

“It’s an eyesore, a blight on our city, which not many of our citizens enjoy,” said an older council member who’d received a handful of complaints from his affluent neighbors. “Therefore, I propose we keep allocating funds to get rid of it.” A few of his younger colleagues knew that it drew people to the city and gave it an authentic and inimitable character. They disagreed with him, but there were too few of them to sway the vote.

And, so, New York City joined a thousand other municipalities across the United States and fitted out squads of workers with paint rollers and long-handled scrapers. They loosed the workers on up-and-coming parts of town, giving them license to paint over, deface, scrape off, and otherwise remove the vast collections of street art that had theretofore covered otherwise blank and underutilized street poles. The workers attacked ten thousand and one unique examples of cunning artistic expression deemed mere trash by a group of disconnected bureaucrats who cared not for the creative potency of Big Apple denizens.

The workers scraped and sprayed and rollered, destroying countless pieces of the city’s unique cultural heritage. Adding insult to injury, the city council had not even had the decency, poise, or foresight to at least take pictures of said priceless works of art before having them trashed. In the wake of the art desecration squads, the city lay bare, raped of its color, efficiently monetized, franchised, and sterilized for the benefit of profits-hungry corporations. New York City’s street-side art museums are dying at the hands of her elected officials, and the world is a less beautiful place for it.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan