When
in the course of pursuing Profits it becomes necessary to formulate
the rules by which the people shall live, and to remind them for whom
it is they toil, We, the assembled Capitalists and Corporations
headquartered in but not paying taxes to these united states of
America, ignoring of the opinions of mankind, declare that the
economic well-being of our Executive Boards and Voting Members by far
outweighs the people's constitutional right to safety and happiness.
The original declaration of independence, that document upon which
the united states was founded, those words that failed to grant
mankind the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,
that scroll is a dead and worthless document – its declaration of
unalienable rights is null and void, and its ability to define the
role of government as the sole agent charged with making the American
people safe and happy was long ago buried under heaping shit-piles of
our Avarice
and Greed.
We
enforce through police action the following Truths: that a few
hundred thousand Americans shall receive the most of the profits
generated by all of the other Americans working hard every day; that
We have the right to speculate with and to put at risk of loss the
monies entrusted to us by the people, and that We shall be safe
behind our high walls when our speculations fail and millions lose
their hard-won gains, our ill-begotten riches guaranteed and
protected for us by the federal government; that our risky businesses
shall in cases of bankruptcy and financial failure receive unlimited
financial bailouts from the federal government; that We shall profit
from the sale of drugs such as alcohol and tobacco that are legally
available to the people, drugs that kill them by the hundreds of
thousands and that maim them by the millions.
Additionally,
We hold: that imprisoning individuals in for-profit prisons that We
own and run for the crime of consuming drugs other than those that we
sell is proper government practice; that the federal government
should wage endless war against unseen foes (see the war
on terror) in order for us to manufacture, develop, and sell
it arms and weaponry, even though We know that the only sure way to
win these wars would be to force everyone on Earth into concentration
camps and to forcibly lobotomized them there; that We shall through
unscrupulous and otherwise fraudulent advertising convince the people
that unbridled consumerism and unchecked personal debt are the
bedrock of the American dream, and that Happiness does not grow from
within or that it is not a fragile state of mind that blossoms from
patience and self-understanding but that it is something you cram
into your wallet or pocket-book, something that you spend in our
shopping plazas, something that you spend on useless items that are
little more than clutter.
Furthermore,
We declare: that it was our patriotic duty to abandon the American
manufacturing sector in favor of foreign shores, and that We served
the motherland well by sacrificing the jobs of millions of our
countrymen to boost our Profit-Margins; that We shall force children
to work as slave-laborers in free-economic-zones located around the
globe; that We have bestowed upon the unemployed American citizen the
privilege of buying cheap goods that break soon after they are first
used; that We have the Right, regardless of the complaints of
tree-hugging hippies, to rape and to destroy the land for short-term
gain, to poison the streams with runoff from our mines, to clear-cut
the once-great forests for export, and to pump the animals We sell
you as food full of steroids and antibiotics rather than to provide
them with clean and open places in which to live out their short and
pathetic lives; that We have willingly and to vast personal profit
rejuvenated the methods of the ancient Romans for controlling the
lower classes by providing them with bread (fast food) and circuses
(television), methods that keep the human rabble blessedly quiet and
contented throughout its pitiful and mostly worthless lives; that We
shall run our corporate societies not as democracies but as
totalitarian fiefs while convincing our workers that through hard and
dedicated labor they might reach the highest rungs of our bogus
organizations, while, in reality, they shall, after infighting,
backstabbing, and reckless self-promotion, find themselves flung out
into the cold, the pathways to our fleeting and hollow ranks closed
to all but a most rapacious and lustful Few.
At
no point in the long yet subtle process of making a mockery of this
once great nation did We pause to consider that by appropriating this
nation's wealth we would violate the Constitutional directive of
promoting the general Welfare, although, by funneling the collective
wealth of all Americans into the pockets of our cronies and fellow
oligarchs, We shall secure the Blessings of Liberty to Ourselves and
to Our Posterity, not to all Americans equally, but to those who
have, as we have, dutifully sacrificed their sacred Honor on the
altar of the Insatiable Hag of Materialism, to those who have shat,
as we have shat, upon the once-grand notion of Liberty and Justice
for All. We have stopped our ears to the Voice of Justice, preferring
rather the comforting Shriek of Lies. We rejoice in the violation of
the flimsy protections once but no longer afforded the America people
by the Constitution.
All
this We pledge, and more: We have the means to lobby the Legislature
for our own gain; We have the money with which to live comfortably
for ten lifetimes even though millions of American children go to bed
hungry each night; We have convinced the people that consumption is
preferable to ingenuity, that watching TV is preferable to creative
expression or the telling of stories, and that the formula for happiness starts with a dollar sign and ends in a decimal point. We,
therefore, the capitalists and corporations headquartered
symbolically in these united states, Assembled, appealing to none but
our Majority Share-holders, by our own authority and the might of our
wrongly appropriated wealth, brazenly Publish and Declare, that this
Country belongs to Us now, that the dream of a more perfect Union has
no place in the world of top-few-capitalism, that 99% of all
Americans shall toil ceaselessly to make us, those of the remaining
One Percent, rich beyond reckoning, that government is instituted not
to secure the Rights of the people but to satisfy the whims of the
Few, and that the people may neither alter nor abolish the system of
federal government that long ago forsook and abandoned them in order
to satisfy the needs of its wealthiest few subjects, and that it is
too late to change things now, because the people waited too long to
act out against our blatant and flagrant transgressions.
So
suck it, you hard-working American fools, and while you are sucking
it good and hard, remember that you long ago gave up those
inalienable rights that your ancestors fought
and died to secure for you.
Signed,
this Wednesday in 2012, by
場黑麥
ioanni elymucampus
fecit
