haiku 24 Dec

The Rus have us beat

At this grand game that we play

Without knowing it

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

Justice arrives swiftly

As an unexpected consequence of the Tea-Party-orchestrated shutdown of the federal government of the United States of America, a segment of software that calculates the wages and benefits of that nation's Senators and Congressmen also reset. “We have tried rebooting the system dozens of times,” said Charles Ringelholder of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), who oversees the payment of salaries. “And a number of different information technology specialists are currently trying to overwrite the existing code and debug the computers in question, but, still, the same results. It is strange.” Since the reset, the salaries of Congressmen and Senators have been adjusted to the level of the federal minimum wage, paying out as if they had worked 40 hours a week for 40 weeks (although statistics show they rarely work this much). Furthermore, all attempts by them to access their usual medical and health benefits have been denied, whereby they and their families have all been added to the rolls of MediCare. “This is an outrage,” said John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “I can't be expected to pay for my medicinal teeth-bleaching sittings and therapeutic tanning sessions, can I?! We voted to raise our salaries every year for, heck, I can't even remember how long, and to give ourselves and all our dependents access to the finest medical care and health insurance – all on the taxpayer's dime, mind you – and by golly we will have those privileges in addition to the vast power that comes from being an elected people's representative, or else we just won't come to work. Period.” Unconfirmed technical reports speak of a ghost-in-the-shell, a phantom bit of code that continues to bring Justice to bombastic beltway blowhards. Authorities have been quick to point fingers at a variety of different groups, from Russian and Chinese hackers to the Anonymous confederacy. Recent polling shows that an overwhelming majority of American citizens welcome this development, and hope that it is permanent.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

US reopens diplomatic mission to Grigovia

  In a surprising move, the United States today reopened diplomatic channels with the Republic of Grigovia. The two nations recalled their diplomatic staff last year after a succession of incidents that culminated in a spat of very nasty, very public name-calling. Tensions began when at a session of the United Nations the Grigovians accused the American delegation and its European allies of turning a blind eye to Russian aggression in the region.

  Named for Grigov the Watchful, the 13^th century national hero who first sighted an invading Mongol horde, Grigovia split from the Russian Federation in 1993. Situated high in the Caucasus mountains, this nation of four hundred thousand people sits atop potentially vast deposits of rare earth minerals. Upon hearing the news, the heads of state of dozens of different nations telephoned each other in an effort to puzzle out just what the Americans were up to.

  場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit