on curing SAD

For nearly a century, Grigovian researchers puzzled over the abnormally large numbers of depressed people living in deep valleys high up in the Yiptlong Massif. Some blamed the soured spirits on economics or politics or religion, but a few tenacious scientists began to see patterns in their data, patterns that cut across economic and religious and political lines. Was something in the water fouling the collective mood? they asked, and, Could the cause be genetic? Questions vanished with the discovery of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a condition brought about primarily by insufficient exposure to sunlight. In the wake of SAD, tanning salons in Grigovia's larger cities did a brisk business, but persons living in outlying areas remained depressed, sullen, withdrawn, and grumpy. Plans were drawn up to install artificial sunlight delivery units in public baths in regional population centers throughout Grigovia's higher elevations, but the projected maintenance and electrical costs involved were deemed too high. Then, however planners heard about a Norwegian town installing arrays of sun-tracking heliostats on the tops of the hills that used to shield it from the light of Sol, and they raced to set up copycat operations on Grigovian soil. The first bank of sun-tracking heliostats has been installed 15 kilometers north-west of Grig in the town of Phuir, where it now redirects, on sunny days, a constant stream of bright sunlight onto the town's central square. Local health officials indicate that, at least among the town's elderly persons wheeled out into the square on cloudless days, moods seem to be lifting. More on this story as it develops. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on wombPod

Banking on reports that show that the ages of children using digital media keep dropping each year, major worldwide electronics manufacturers began scrambling to capture one of the last growth markets – unborn children. “We are calling it the wombPod,” said Elaiyne-Rohz Hammerstein, chief marketing director for Apple Inc., North America. “Essentially, it is a tiny device installed in a minimally-invasive surgical procedure directly into the ear-canal of a developing fetus, whereby a parent can alleviate their spawn's boredom and provide it entertainment while it grows in the womb.” “Of course, Apple already snagged the best name,” said Aryujan Arundujan, lead marketing strategist for HeadsUP Inc., a portable digital electronics company. “But we plan to go a step further by providing an elastic mount by which to attach a screen to the front of the fetal unit's head, thereby providing it not only audio but also visual stimulation.” Moral objections to compromising the amniotic sac for anything less than a life-saving procedure were dismissed in light of the vast profit margins associated with young children becoming addicted to artificial stimuli.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

soup wins prize

At the bi-annual Grigovian Traditional Stew and Soup competition, a single recipe won the highest awards for Best in Show, Best Lingering Flavour, and Longest Staying Power / Greatest Nutritional Value. The soup – a borscht-like stew thickened with oil of czabtyip, suffused with organic vegetables, and riddled with chunks of braised goose-meat – was submitted by Uyiast Ouyend, a 94 year-old woman who lives in the hills north-east of Pryaghdoyest. She plans to use the prize money – 250 yind (roughly $500) – to upgrade her village's defensive perimeter and get a new trigger-assembly for her vintage SKS battle rifle.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

map of Grigovia

biodiesel program initiated

Citing concerns about the long-term feasibility, fundamental morality, and ongoing reliability of shipments of oil from Saudi Arabia and natural gas from Russia, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia began the process of shifting its motor-pools to biodiesel. “For too long we have ignored a fuel source that is renewable and that we grow here at home, preferring instead products sold by authoritarian regimes,” said Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, Grigovia's prime minister. “With help from foreign and local experts and funded by sizable investment in the research and development of biodiesel technologies at our major universities, we expect Banoyend to have thrown off the yoke of foreign petrochemical by beginning of next decade.” One major stipulation of the Mandate for Energy Independence, or MAENIN, is that a majority of the plant material used to make Grigovian biodiesel come not from dedicated biomass but rather from waste such as rotten or spoiled or insect-ravaged crops, tree trimmings, construction and industrial wood-tailings, fallen leaves, and residential grass clippings. “Our preliminary research shows that the local timber and construction industries alone produce enough leftover wood scraps to provide biodiesel for half of Grigovia's government motor pool,” said Ryain Uloyenst-Hong, an American-Grigovian professor of applied sciences on sabbatical from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). “Once we prove its feasibility and economy by converting our military and government vehicles to run on this native-grown fuel source, we plan to make it available across Grigovia,” said Theorovask Iyend, public liaison for the country's Interior Ministry. “In just a few years, at major fueling stations from Pyltagrad to Gar Nuuzsh, from Pryaghdoyest to Iysh, the Grigovian will be able to recharge or refill her vehicle with renewable electricity from solar and wind, imported gasoline, or local biodiesel. Huzzah.” Persons interested in brewing their own biodiesel should visit the Interior Ministry's website, where they will find detailed blueprints for building a biodiesel distillery, safety guidelines, and links to public funding sources. MAENIN is the newest phase in Grigovia's efforts to ween itself off fossil and non-renewable fuels. Over the past two years it has increased its energy production from geothermal and wind sources to cover 30% of national demand.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian delegation recalled

Citing the official classification of drone strikes as crimes of war, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) ceased diplomatic relations with the United States of America. “So long as Mr. Obama insists on the extra-judicial and illegal killing of persons in sovereign nations around the world, Grigovia shall view him as hostile to peace, freedom, and justice,” said Dr. Eiyast Hyuyend, foreign minister of GROG. “Our nation deals only with regimes that foster cooperation and compassion amongst peoples, not with those that use flying death-robots to wantonly destroy lives, hope, and peace.” Along with cessation of diplomatic relations GROG announced a nationwide boycott on trade with the American Empire. The Yundex, Grigovia's premier stock exchange, rallied moments at the announcement as local business scrambled to strengthen its solid ties with markets in Asia and Africa. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

the people speak

As part of its drive to rid itself of superfluous institutions, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia prepared to hold referenda during most of November in order to gauge its citizens' mood for sweeping societal change. “For months now, branches of the National Group to Reinstate Liberty (NGRL) situated around Grigovia have been scouring the most successful and most free cultures of past and present looking for methods to govern and regulate consensual human interaction in as unobtrusive a way as possible,” said Uontoyest Inndt, deputy director of NGRL. “After chewing over and filtering out those elements most likely to secure the Blessings of Liberty to the greatest number of people in a society, we are ready to present our findings to the Grigovian citizenry and allow them to decide how great a leap they are willing to take in their quest for freedom and equality.” Grigovia has shut down a number of its branches of government, among them most of the Taxation Bureau, the long-defunct Censorship Bureau, and the Bureau for the Control of Deadly Substances. Former government employees are receiving training to help them reintegrate into the civilian economy. Organs of government scheduled to stay open but slated for restructuring are the Department of Civil Defense, the Department of Education for Youth, and the Department of Bridges and Roadways. Citizens are invited to contact NGRL or comment on this article with additional suggestions for how it should proceed. Huzzah, and long live Liberty in the glory of gregarious Grigovia.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

currency recoupled

Acting in the knowledge that currencies not pegged to physical media tend to be unstable and inflationary, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia started the process of coupling the yind to valuable and useful metals such as copper, platinum, and titanium. “During the Soviet occupation of our country from 1953 to 1988 our currency was enslaved to Russia's ruble,“ said Ridtgarst Youlendt, spokesman for the Grigovian Mint. “And from 1990 until 2002 the yind was tied to the United States Dollar. Since 2002 it has been pegged to the Euro, but in a referendum the Grigovian citizenry cried foul of this arrangement.” The recent discovery – in old 18th century iron mines located in the north-eastern Yiptlong massif – of large reserves of platinum and titanium led the Grigovian people to call for greater independence from foreign powers in things monetary and military. “Just this year we destroyed attempts by the Rothschilds to take over the Grigovian Central Bank, and we are actively thwarting efforts by the United States of America to overthrow our own democratically elected government,” said Dr. Eleinah Turyendt, state secretary of finance. “With wise and patient measures we are confident in our abilities to hammer out the details of returning to the gold standard.” The change should be completed by November 20th, Grigovia's second official national independence holiday during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.E. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian team deployed

At the behest of the Arab League and with the intention of helping end the civil war in Syria, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia sent a highly decorated team of veteran negotiators to bring both sides of the conflict to the table. “In addition to the team of negotiators, other Grigovian teams will be helping to patrol Syria's borders in order to prevent more Saudi Arabian black operations teams from launching any more gas attacks against innocent civilians,” said Heirdoyesst Ont, head of Grigovia's Foreign Assistance Board. Experts expect the war in Syria to end only when American, British, and Israeli intervention in the internal conflict also ends.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

gracious, grateful Grigovia

The time is upon us, the crops they are ripe, we Banoyend do give to Thankfulness hype. The larders are brimming, the silos are full, we're sitting on mountains of roots hemp and wool. The evenings come sooner, the days they grow short, come share of our bounty and fresh apple torte. The communes breathe easy, the comrades they rest, at least until month's end, 'till Thank-and-Praise-Fesst. Get ready for dancing, for games and much cheer, we're known for our fessting, by its light we steer. Our customs are rooted, in habits long true, we keep them unaltered, like a favorite shoe. Our mountains are craggy, our homes they are warm, so come by your lonesome, or in a great swarm. We welcome all peoples, regardless of race – or hairstyle, fashion sense, timing, or taste. Our buses are shiny, our planes are brand-new, we've tunnels aplenty, and fine hostels, too. So pack some stout britches and your biggest smile, our arms are wide open – come stay for a while.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥gracious, grateful Grigovia

Liberty shines anew

Under the vigilant eye of the country's leading metallurgic and molecular chemists, and funded primarily by generous financial contributions from average Grigovian citizens, a small army of technicians has started to apply layers of non-toxic chemicals to the exterior of Liberty Enlightening the World. The American government had sold her to Grigovia after de-funding its Park ​Service, and since then the statue has been carefully resurrected on Free Spit (formerly Mad Spit, for the insane asylum once located there), an island that rises from the Yalung River in the heart of cosmopolitan Grig. “All we need now is a good hard rain,” said Dr. Fiyennd Gharszt, who designed the witch's brew being applied to Liberty's copper panels. Once activated by water, the chemicals will turn her golden once more, a flashing shining goddess for all the world to see. “The water-activated compounds bind to any piece of oxidized copper, loosening it from the substrate at the molecular level and allowing it to run down the supple folds of our lady's flowing robes, where it will collect in catchment basins at her feet,” said Eleinna Hyourst-Rahdt, a former molecular biologist and current volunteer who manages a portion of the donated funds. While it is inevitable that some of the runoff will enter the sparkling Yalung River, Dr. Gharszt was adamant that it posed a threat to neither flora nor fauna and that it would in no way negatively impact farms or wildlife downstream. “We have been testing these compounds for months,” he said, “and in every scenario, the bits of oxidized copper separated from the molecules to which they were bound shortly after the bonding took place, whereupon they settled to the ground and were absorbed into the sediment without a noticeable impact on river grass or fishes. As it meanders through the moraine field north of Grig the Yalung naturally picks up its of tin, gold, and copper; our meager contribution will hardly matter.” Renovations to Liberty Enlightening the World are scheduled to be completed in time for the second the Glorious Republic of Grigovia's yearly independence ceremonies, on November 20th, during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Justice arrives swiftly

As an unexpected consequence of the Tea-Party-orchestrated shutdown of the federal government of the United States of America, a segment of software that calculates the wages and benefits of that nation's Senators and Congressmen also reset. “We have tried rebooting the system dozens of times,” said Charles Ringelholder of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), who oversees the payment of salaries. “And a number of different information technology specialists are currently trying to overwrite the existing code and debug the computers in question, but, still, the same results. It is strange.” Since the reset, the salaries of Congressmen and Senators have been adjusted to the level of the federal minimum wage, paying out as if they had worked 40 hours a week for 40 weeks (although statistics show they rarely work this much). Furthermore, all attempts by them to access their usual medical and health benefits have been denied, whereby they and their families have all been added to the rolls of MediCare. “This is an outrage,” said John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “I can't be expected to pay for my medicinal teeth-bleaching sittings and therapeutic tanning sessions, can I?! We voted to raise our salaries every year for, heck, I can't even remember how long, and to give ourselves and all our dependents access to the finest medical care and health insurance – all on the taxpayer's dime, mind you – and by golly we will have those privileges in addition to the vast power that comes from being an elected people's representative, or else we just won't come to work. Period.” Unconfirmed technical reports speak of a ghost-in-the-shell, a phantom bit of code that continues to bring Justice to bombastic beltway blowhards. Authorities have been quick to point fingers at a variety of different groups, from Russian and Chinese hackers to the Anonymous confederacy. Recent polling shows that an overwhelming majority of American citizens welcome this development, and hope that it is permanent.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

blowback mechanism debuts

Building on the success of its RPT line of personal defense weapons, the Pylta Regina Firearms Factory (PRFF) announced a new option for 2014. “RPT stands for Regina Pylta Terret,” said Thendogarst Oiylyindt, chief operating officer of PRFF. “Our slogan is, 'Easy enough, even for grandmother.' For good reason, too: our weapons are designed so that most any Grigovian – from 12 year-old member of the League of Youth Defenders to 90 year-old matriarchal block commander – can pick one up and following simple instructions drop fools from two hundred yards in defense of the motherland.” Similar to a certain popular Russian firearm, RPT rifles are designed to fire even if filled with sand, rusted shut, frozen, wet, or dropped from a 2-story building. “Our newest feature we call delayed blowback,” said Poli Daryoust while she was field-stripping and reassembling the first RPT models to emerge from the production line. “After bullet is fired, some of gas produced is stored in a chamber in the butt of rifle. When shooter is ready for next round to be chambered, she thumbs this button here, which cycles spent round out and loads another. This makes rifle more accurate compared to when fired in semi-automatic mode – for sniping situations – but of course eliminates folding stock.” Fully automatic mode is available only in the military version of the rifle; civilian models feature semi-automatic, bolt-action, and delayed blowback. Visit PRFF's official company website for more details, and happy wastreling.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

foodPAC - culinary rap

(the devices used to write, shoot, edit, and upload this video were charged using solar power)



text:

Picture me rolled up in an herb and cheddar blend – I got no love for dough-mixers, or for non-laying hens – they've got me wrapped up in foil, switching butter for spread, they know this roast's getting cold – its wrapping's undone. Now I don't wanna use a cheapo blender, I gotta fry at least a half a dozen chicken tenders. Some waiters always wanna feel the bread! Let's put those chocolates out instead, now we're gonna use these greens to make a bed, for salmon red. Now will I sieve – how will I sieve? Will cod forgive for all the steps I never took, to make it cook? Last slice to give, it's so hard to tie up these ribs, when sticky fingers stain the bib. Momma I'm turducken, my hoochie's a calzone, my homies is half-baked, yet most of 'em eaten, and gone. Farm-grown – finally ham! – still looking for ways to drip fat into the cracks of that baking-pan. Just picture me rolled in – flour and eggs in pots that isn't scalding, my outside's crispy, my inside's done, you know I dry up quick if all my stuffing's gone, my skin's been brushed, heart's baking, and my eggs is poaching, thinking up more ways to be frozen, just picture me rolled in…

I've got cheese, seasoned with salt from seas, cost a sous-chef a wad of peas. On this sheet, prepared, cooled, lie many fresh scampi, this ravished lunch crowd is primed and jumpy, so I've got to toss because I'm all out of that au-jus flavor, salad-spinning without a bread-bowl maker, so many pastry-bakers, pepper-shakers, from racks hanging, against some iron pots they're banging. So I'm lighting pilot flames, soup tastes lame, boiling ham hocks stew on an iron range. So much jelly, Brie, and gravy, honey from a swarm of bees, now I'm whisking up a half a dozen eggs into a light, and creamy, fluffy foam, pulling fresh roots that grow only in loam. Now the cook she's in her zone, not hearing no one, treating this kitchen as if it were her home. I'm beating the cream, broccoli's steamed, and hot-pockets bulging. That's hardly a teaspoon. Picture me rolled in…

I gotta find a bigger bin… for all these capers, because these cookies' straight suffering from a lack of baking papers. My cakes didn't rise, properly, so now I've got to get some yeast from a bakery. I've prepped some boneless, skinned chops, they're frying with all that they've got, sprinkle in some pepper, hot, put that chicken in a pot, all right?

I cooked some cutlets, they could have used a bit more mustard, we plate up grits most every weekend, and dough and flatbread, we can't be late again and let that one Korean food-truck commandeer our primo spot. I'll heat the liquor, and you can roast the entrails, this wicked crust will let us set up shop in retail.

Grooved spoons whip up mounds of butter – yeah, that tastes fine – it's smoothed without peanut butter, just using tines. Are you satisfied? Do you think this roasted duck or two whole hocks are bigger, you steam-pipe pot-jiggler? Just picture us rolled in…