Grigovia issues awards

Following Germany's courageous decision to award its highest whistle-blower prize to Edward Snowden for his willingness to expose tyrannical and unjust actions perpetrated by the federal government of the United States of America, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced it would select for Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award (OCLA), an annual recognition ceremony. Entities that win this prestigious prize receive asylum anywhere within Grigovia's borders, the right to stay and be freely productive in any of Grigovia's fine cities, as well as two kilograms of 14 karat gold or a two-acre plot of land in the foothills of the Yiptlong massif, which lies north of Grig, this small, landlocked nation's capital. Among the selections for this year's OCLA prize are America's Edward Snowden, China's Ai Weiwei, Bolivia's Evo Morales, the children of Occupied Palestine, and the inhabitants of Egypt's port cities along the Suez canal. “2013 has been a good year for the fight against tyrannical overreach,” said Eyohwah Thrask-Ullyennd, chairwoman of Eastern Grigovian University's department of social upheaval and revolutionary studies who sits on the board that makes the final decision on who will receive OCLA. She continued, saying: “So long as there are individuals and groups who will risk Life, Liberty, and sacred Honor to safeguard the freedom of others, standing up to the oppressive and violent regimes under which so many people around the world silently suffer, there is hope for mankind. With the Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award, we aim to encourage people to keep demanding of their governments upstanding and just behavior and to keep exposing injustice and corruption wherever these twin evils should raise their ugly heads.” Reports indicate that the Grigovian people danced in the streets upon hearing about OCLA.

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sister city selected

To celebrate thirty years of mutually honoring true Liberty and independently perpetuating human dignity by keeping income distribution at an equitable level, the capital cities of Caracas and Grig today declared their sisterhood. “This is a fine day for the champions of human cooperation,” said Dr. Eoyast Duoryyist, mayor of Grig on the Yalung, while touring the South American capital in celebration of the event. “We look forward,” he continued, ”to receiving in mountainous Grigovia delegations of these beautiful, sun-tanned people, who will surely fall in love with the children of our land, just as we have fallen in love with the children of these shores.” Jacqueline Faria, who is the mayor of Caracas, Venezuela, uttered a similar sentiment, claiming: “History will not soon forget the bonds we have made here, the trust we have forged here, the love we have shared here – especially your love, Mr. Mayor of Grig.” When last seen, Dr. Duoryyist had become so smitted by a pair of willing and buxom twin peasant girls that the 72-year-old was following them around in the manner of a hopelessly enamored schoolboy.

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Grigovia bans junk

In solidarity with Bolivia (see here) and other countries that actively care for the health of their citizens, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today it will ban unhealthy fast food. The country has set aside a portion of next year's expected export duties to buy back retail locations owned by chain restaurants such as MacDoorknob's and Bugger Cling and turn them into Centers for Communal Creativity, Activity, & Defense (CCCAD). This newest action against the incessantly creeping forces of corporatized cultural degradation was approved by a large majority of voters during the General People's Decision of 2012, a directly-democratic electoral process similar to the Swiss model during which the Grigovian citizenry decides how to shape its own future. “From now on,” said Orgyast Heidoyiest, deputy Minster of Cultural Affairs in the country's lower of two houses of parliament, “Grigovia will no longer foster the model of conglomerated chain food factories that answer to a board of well-to-do, hard-nosed foreign executives whose primary goal is to increase their own wealth and the stock returns of their rich investors.” The culinary world celebrated the news. “Finally, we are ridding ourselves of the faceless corporate leeches,” said Xi Hong-Deng, a naturalized Grigovian citizen and part owner (with his wife) of Feng Fang Fong, which serves locally sourced Pan Asian cuisine. “Now we can start the process of healing the children of this land using healthy and nutritious foods made with love and dedication instead of poisoning their little bodies with preservative-laden slop engineered to make them addicted to sugar-packed milkshakes, mechanically-separated chicken pucks, and lard-dipped strings of starchy potato-like product.” Critics argue that Grig's own culinary specialty, called tchuirff, a pastry made with acorn flour, goose meat, and sharp curry, is on average higher in calories and fat than nearly any single item on the menu at the leading fast-food chains, until they consider the long history of this local delicacy and the low levels of liver disease, diabetes, and heart disorders that existed before fast food was allowed to contaminate the guts of the Grigovian people.

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heat wave endures

Three weeks of above-average heat cling to central Grig, smothering citizens and straining moods. When they can, people head to the public swimming areas along the Yalung river or down into one of the many communal cooling caves sprinkled throughout the city's vast underground tunnel network. Some denizens of Grigovia's capital city, however, have no such luxuries; they are street sweepers and construction workers, neighborhood watches and fire sniffers, bridge inspectors, urban farmers, and elderly orphanage guardians. Usually, the city is blessed by cooling airs that roll down from the nearby Yiptlong massif, a ridge of craggy, snow-capped mountains to the north of the metropolis, but abnormally strong winds coming out of the east have kept relief at bay. “During the day, large amounts of air have been moving across the regions of desert that lie to the north of Gar Nuuzsh, to the east of Grig,” said Dr. Eiryiaest Oryast, meteorologist with the Grigovian Center for Climate and Environment. “Once these winds switch their direction across the Caspian Basin and blow the way we are used to them blowing, we here in beautiful cosmopolitan Grig should be able to comfortably return to our tastefully appointed homes and soaring apartment complexes.” The Ministry for Civilian Self-Defense released a statement today praising the high temperatures for keeping the Grigovian people bouncing lightly on their toes, crouching expectantly in their fighting holes, and wading steely-eyed into adversity.

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Grigovia bans drones

Citing the actions of the community of Deer Trail in America's Colorado as its primary inspiration, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia banned weaponized and spy-equipped drones from its airspace. Henceforth, the only drones allowed in the skies above this small, landlocked Central Asian nation are those used by accredited and licensed organizations to search for and assist in the rescue of missing or imperiled persons. “In order to protect the privacy, lives, and rights of our citizens, we pledge to aggressively counter any attempts by imperialistic foreign powers – especially by the United States of America – to operate aircraft in our skies with the intention of maiming, murdering, spying on, or killing,” said Teyriyest Uscht, deputy Minster of Defense of the Sovereign Airspace. “Furthermore, we offer a reward of 75 units of your currency of choice for proof of a downed UAS (unmanned aerial system) – proof would include pieces of fuselage, sections of wing, or any other component that have distinguishing markings upon them.” Both Grigovia and Deer Trail encourage their citizens to proceed with diligence, patience, and ferocity, and to defend Liberty by actively fighting oppression.

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George Zimmerman shot

In a stunning turn of events, the man who gunned down unarmed 17 year old Treyvon Martin was himself fatally shot last night. George Zimmerman, who killed a child in cold blood not long ago, was walking home from a convenience store after purchasing a packet of sour candy with his own money. He was approached by Edgar Wallace Finkelstein III, a Caucasian neighborhood watch volunteer who didn't like Zimmerman's odd, foul look or his obnoxious body odor. Jacked up on caffeinated soda and crazy with infamy, Zimmerman started acted in a threatening and dangerous manner. Finkelstein, who feared for his life, stood his ground and promptly shot Zimmerman in the face, killing him immediately.

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shemales hacked

In a brazen violation of the sovereignty of longstanding allies, the cache of documents leaked by Mr. Edward Snowden revealed that the United States of America has been covertly monitoring shemales around the world. “We are outraged,” said Joseph 'The Dame Helene' Duix, leader of the Parisian Association of Upstanding LadyBoys. “Not only am I upset that I have been scrutinized by some cubicle-jockey wasting his life away in a subterranean vault in Langley, Virginia,” said Frim Thallu, a trans-gender Danish citizen living in Thailand, “I am angry because someone went through my dresser the other day, disturbing my underthings.” President Obama has not issued any statement regarding his government's hacktivities, saying only that America has every right to be curious about what goes on behind closed doors in other countries.

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on princely pursuit

“Oh how he pines for me, my Eastern prince,” wrote princess Yahuala in her diary, of which but few pages remain intact. She is referring to Chagatai Khan, son of Genghis Khan, whom she and some of her handmaidens had discovered, bested, and captured. “Always sending gifts this way,” she continues, ”tiny songbirds chirping happily in intricate cages or curious beasts with tails at both front and rear, many of them not surviving the journey up and over the Krukuv pass. Against my better judgement, I keep them, and secretly cherish each one, hoping for his return and pining for the day when his fierce eyes will flash at me and his strong hands will spread me open once more.” On this public forum, the Grigovian Genealogical Society for Discovery and Exploration is loathe to post the rest of the excerpts, but suffice it to say that young Chagatai was quite skilled in the sexual arts and would soon return to cement the bonds between the Mongolian Empire and that of the Yündlennd royal family with a basket full of young cheetahs, a formal Entreaty to Marriage, and fertile loins.

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dispatches from nowhere

Last week, a group of researches working for the Grigovian Historical and Genealogical Society (est. 1844) discovered a cache of documents buried away in the dustier vaults of the Dusty Vaults section of the Great British Genealogical Society's satellite branch, in Sedgwick. Reports indicate that the papers include dispatches from the Yündlennd royal family to other heads of state, finding generated by the now defunct Pan-Grigovian League of Exploration and Discovery, and detailed accounts of societal and economic develpments occuring at the time in Europe, America, Africa, and Asia. While all of the documents are sure to generate years of study and outbursts of exuberant wonder, one item – written by eminent explorer Uudyesst T. Muirgon while he was searching for the source of the Congo River – says, simply: “We have found the center of no-where. It is quiet here, and lovely.”

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reunion bears fruit

During the course of the 2013 Rovend-Yest family reunion, Grigovia's erstwhile representative at the United Nations Erya Rovend discovered that she is not only a princess of the Krukuv line but also descendent of Gengis Khan himself, through one of his sons. In the 12th Century, the younger Khan had fought against and became enthralled by the leader of a band of ferocious teenage girls. The girls, who at the time were out healing edible herbs for a nice bath, had come upon the prince and a detachment of his men while the men were trying to circumvent the upper defenses of Krukuv pass by scaling a rock face. The princess split her redolent entourage, sending a few handmaidens hurrying down to a spot below the invading group while pelting the scaling party with sharp and pointy rocks. After capturing Chagatai Khan, the young lady escorted him back to her father's battlements. Chagatai then sued for peace with the Grigovian people and asked for the hand of princess Yahuala in marriage, claiming, according to the historical record, that “she was the most beautiful and ferocious person he had ever met, a bride fit for the Ruler of the World.”

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water gets thicker

Seven times out of ten, blood is thicker than water. One way to make water thicker is to mix it with organic chia seeds from olde Mexico, or with gelatin made from horse bones; another way is to let oneself become dehydrated enough that one's piss comes out thick, like snot; and another way is to cultivate within one's bosoms such tremendous fortitude as to make it run thick among the bodily fluids. However it is done, thickening the blood takes time, requires sacrifice, and bestows reward. Huzzah.

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a worthwhile purchase

Realizing a lifelong dream of owning a piece of NASA's shuttle missions, longtime astronomy enthusiast Egon Jaime Lorenzs placed the winning bid on a 2-foot-long length of sewage pipe from Challenger VII. “Finally, I'll own something that flew in space,” Lorenzs said, dreaming about soon being able to fondle the flexible bit of shit-pipe. ”With any luck, they will be some residue left inside, so I can smell what space tasted like, too.”

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on changing tastes

In a stunning reversal of gastronomic preference, the American people started to demand high-fat, high-salt foods, refusing to eat anything that claimed to be low in fat or devoid of added salt. “We have not seen a shift in public sentiment – especially when it comes to the sodium and transfat content of food – occur so quickly, almost overnight, in a long time,” said chairwoman of the United Heartland Food Councils, Darlene T. Wikkelbak. “Not since Wafflegate, when the Pastrymakers of America publicly announced that although waffles were utterly delicious they were essentially sugar-packed, dimpled pancakes made up of massive amounts of gluten, not since that tragic day have the American people changed their minds so quickly.” Preliminary reports indicate that a single, 42-second-long, shoddily-produced parody of a fast-food commercial playing on the YouTubes has shaped Ynki opinion more effectively than all federally-funded public service campaigns of the last two decades, combined.

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