sister city selected

To celebrate thirty years of mutually honoring true Liberty and independently perpetuating human dignity by keeping income distribution at an equitable level, the capital cities of Caracas and Grig today declared their sisterhood. “This is a fine day for the champions of human cooperation,” said Dr. Eoyast Duoryyist, mayor of Grig on the Yalung, while touring the South American capital in celebration of the event. “We look forward,” he continued, ”to receiving in mountainous Grigovia delegations of these beautiful, sun-tanned people, who will surely fall in love with the children of our land, just as we have fallen in love with the children of these shores.” Jacqueline Faria, who is the mayor of Caracas, Venezuela, uttered a similar sentiment, claiming: “History will not soon forget the bonds we have made here, the trust we have forged here, the love we have shared here – especially your love, Mr. Mayor of Grig.” When last seen, Dr. Duoryyist had become so smitted by a pair of willing and buxom twin peasant girls that the 72-year-old was following them around in the manner of a hopelessly enamored schoolboy.

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plastic cups stored

Basing its decision on its inhabitants' incessant demands to consume hot or cold beverages without having to worry about hauling around their own insulated containers, the city of Baltimore, Maryland declared the marshy areas south of its baseball and football stadiums the Anne Arundel Area Styrofoam HOLding Estuary, or AAASHOLE. “We rejoice when inhabitants of and visitors to this city drink from one-time-use-only beverage containers,” said Yolanda E. George, vice-mayor of Charm City, while open-pit burning a few hundred pounds of old computer parts and CDs in her backyard. “But unlike forward-thinking metropolitan areas in other parts of America, we're sure that the best place to store our thousands of tons of soiled Styrofoam cups and discarded plastic shopping bags is right down there in the muddy muck next to the local flora and fauna.” Rather than banning the use of plastic containers city-wide, requiring shoppers to bring their own reusable bags, or doing more to protect its waterways from contamination by convenience-addled local drunkards, Baltimore's city council recently released a statement telling concerned parties to go and fuck themselves.

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sentimental value changes

Cradling the sawed-off baseball bat in her arms, 68 year-old grandmother-of-six Djieudee Bast-Hernandez remembered the day she had received the tire-thumper as a gift from the deputy mayor of Los Angeles. Standing on the corner of Vermont and Leeward Avenues, in the middle of Koreatown and smack-dab in the heart of territory controlled by the MS-13 gang, Ms. Bast-Hernandez shifted the bat to her right hand in one swift motion, dodging slightly to the side and striking with an upward thrust at the left temple of the urban youth standing in front of her, whom she guessed was no older than her youngest grandson. Ignoring the disbelieving gazes of the few people who had paused to watch her get robbed, Djieudee gingerly retrieved her purse from the young man's limp hands, kicked his knife down a storm-drain, straightened her patterned-silk blouse, checked her hair in the window of a nearby storefront, and slipped the bat back into the fold of her hand-knitted sweater.

Controlling the adrenaline-shakes and waiting to cry until she was inside her apartment and had locked the door, Djieudee allowed herself two whole minutes of stress-induced emotional release before going into the kitchen to make tea. Sitting at her favorite chair by the window and watching the afternoon clouds caress the top of the towers Downtown, Ms. Bast-Hernandez began to clean the bat while embedding the day's violent turn of events firmly into her long-term memory, where they settled in nicely.

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