spoon hoard plundered

The residents of Ouray, CO, awoke this morning to find their drawers and cupboards emptied of spoons. The world-famous Museum of Spoon and Utensils, which occupies an Art Deco building in the hamlet’s quaint downtown, sits all but empty, most of its collection gone.

Local police deputy Yolanda Esperanza said that foul play had been ruled out early in her investigation of the matter. “There were no signs of forced entry, anywhere,” she said, scanning the area in bewilderment from the Ouray Overlook. “Who, or what, would want all those spoons?”

Archival records located in the town library tell of a similar instance, in 1887, during which large quantities of buttons vanished, seemingly overnight. “Given the large-scale mining activities in this area,” the newspaper reads, “superstitious locals have been attributing the recent thefts to a mountain sprite, or kobold, scared aboveground by blasting dynamite.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

love slave obtained

Area resident Jacinda Grace Stanton recently purchased a new love slave (to replace the one she’d neglected to death). Though initially excited about being taken from the puppy mill where most of its litter-mates had died, the love slave, whom she named ‘Doggie Dearest,’ is quickly learning that life in its new home is not much better.

Ms. Stanton does not plan to take her newly acquired love slave on four daily walks, feed it properly and at regular intervals, take time to understand its language or moods, respect its right to live a stress-free life, or treat it with the dignity that a sentient being deserves. Instead, she intends to scold it when it voids its bowels inside her home due to lack of access to the out-of-doors, yell at it when it whines about being hungry, complain about having to take it to the vet after letting it suffer a massive skin infection for months, and leave it at home without food for days on end while she engages in multiple new romantic relationships.

Jacinda plans to hug her love slave from time to time, look quizzically at it when it barks, keep it trapped in her bedroom from 9pm until noon of the next day, ignore its needs while manipulating her mobile phone, occasionally lock it outside on a bare concrete pad overnight, and then insist on telling everyone she knows how much she loves animals but never washing out her love slave’s water bowl and only refilling it when it’s completely empty. The nation and state in which Ms. Stanton lives legally defines animals not as living things but as property, however, meaning that she’s not doing anything wrong - technically.

[This is a work of satire. Any reference to a person or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Please treat living things under your control with the utmost respect and dignity.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

backpack sales soar

Following the arrest of failed European-American (i.e. ‘white’) terrorist Michael Christopher Estes, who allegedly planted a homemade bomb at the Asheville Regional Airport in North Carolina on 6 October 2017, outdoor goods manufacturers are reporting that backpacks are flying off the shelves. “We are overjoyed that the bomb was removed before it harmed anybody,” said a spokesperson for REI, whose equipment was used by the alleged domestic terrorist. “Furthermore, we’re moving Traverse 70 packs like hot-cakes.”

Numbers are also up for the sellers of glass jars, fuel oil, nails, duct tape, and polymer spoons. Although it is often quick to condemn acts by brown-skinned individuals, the regime of fake president D.J. Trump has not issued a single comment or tweet regarding the allegedly terroristic acts and intentions of Michael Christopher Estes, whose skin is the color of an unripe peach.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

area man’s strongest superlative is ‘cool’

Despite having had access to at least four separate dictionaries since moving back in with his parents three years ago, local hipster Sheldon T. Whittiesworth, 34, cannot seem to progress beyond ‘cool’. Whether it’s a wicked new movie or a sublime solar eclipse, Sheldon uses ‘cool’ as his go-to superlative expression in times of supreme emotionality and intense agitation.

Among the things, events, and places that Mr. Whittiesworth defined as being ‘cool’ are his thousand-dollar mobile phone, the birth of his first child, and the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, NL. According to sources, Sheldon recently experimented with using the word ‘rad’ for a few weeks before reverting to his previous monosyllabic and thermological preference.

Persons close to Mr. Whittiesworth indicate that, out of all units of language available, the last word they think about when contemplating his existence is ‘cool.’

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 19 Oct 2017

Her silken tendrils
Reach for unsuspecting bugs
She’s a tiny friend

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Grigovia urges calm

Following recent bellicose rhetoric coming from DPRK leader Kim Jong Un and US leader Donald J. Trump, the Parliament of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia released an unanimous statement urging calm. “Nuclear war is against the interests of all humanity,” said prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, whose Freedom and Prosperity Party holds a slight majority of seats in the bicameral body. “America is the only nation in the world to have used nuclear weapons in anger; we beg for cool heads to now prevail.” (In Grigovia, the Senate is populated by ten persons selected by the governing body of each independent city-state and canton, and the Congress is selected via popular vote. Similar to the Swiss system, the Grigovian Parliament oversees and manages foreign policy, national defense, federal railways, and the mint.)

“War must only be used as a last resort, a strategy employed once all other options have been exhausted,” said national defense minister Hennda Uilyest of the Grigovian Conservative Green Party. “Diplomacy, cooperation, and open markets alone can assure the future prosperity of all mankind.” Shortly after gaining its independence from the Soviet Union, in 1988, Grigovia dismantled all nuclear weapons the Russians had stored on its soil and promptly joined the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICANW).

“Tinpot tyrants, be they Korean or Ynki, do not have permission to engage in nuclear war,” said Buiryest Darghennd, a 14-year-old student from Pryaghdoyest. “My grandparents fought against the Nazis in the Second World War; their words are still fresh in my mind: ‘Show not mercy, nor give quarter, to those who threaten innocent people with death and destruction.’”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 15 Oct 2017

Rich clods of earth break
Stalks are cut for composting
The harvest was good

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 13 Oct 2017

An angry fruitcake
Haunts the halls of Penna. Lane
Lost in sad hatred

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

missing coral found

Earlier this week, researchers discovered the majority of the world’s coral colonies living in rented apartments across America’s Midwest. Contrary to reports that the coral had vanished due to a rise in both ocean salinity and temperature as well as the presence of agricultural fertilizers and pesticides, it had apparently moved into lodgings in cities from Dayton, OH, to Bismarck, ND, in a now futile effort to avoid paying off loan-sharks after a rough few weeks of gambling on livestock futures. “We thought we had the beef market cornered,” said a visibly shaken trunk of pillar coral found wedged into the back of a walk-in closet.

“Thanks a fucking lot,” said a branch of staghorn coral while it was being measured, scanned, probed, and core-sampled. “Where are we supposed to come up with, like, a billion clams, huh?” World-famous for its painful lack of a sense of humor, researchers were dismayed to find that coral could be so punny.

(The author He Who Grasps At Straws contributed to this article.)

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on dishonoring hatefulness

Ground was broken today on a parcel of federal land in southern Washington, D.C., for the foundation of a new learning and educational center. Called both the ‘Museum of Despicable Hatefulness’ and the ‘Gallery of Murderers, Racists, Rapists, Slave-Owners, & Traitors’, the center will house statues of cruel and traitorous persons from America’s past, including many that until recently were on public display in cities across the USA. Among the statues being shipped to the center for storage and exhibition are ones of Robert E. Lee, Christopher Columbus, Lyndon B. Johnson, Vladimir Lenin, Andrew Jackson, and Woodrow Wilson. All of these individuals were either loathsome murderers, committed unspeakable crimes against vulnerable populations under their control, or both.

Inspired by the Museum of War Remnants in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, the center will educate visitors about the vile dangers of racist acts and speech, the gruesome evils of slavery, and the heavy cost of treason. In addition to the statues, static as well as dynamic displays will showcase the ideologies, methods, tactics, and tools used to enslave, disenfranchise, and kill huddled masses yearning to be free.

Major funding sources for the center are, primarily, coming from civil and numerical-minority rights groups who wish to make sure such atrocities receive the condemnation they deserve and are never again celebrated on American shores. Plexiglass strong-boxes to receive further donations will be located throughout the center.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 9 Oct 2017

When confronting a
Punitive superego
Proceed with intent

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 8 Oct 2017

The hardest boils
To lance are the ones buried
Deep inside the heart

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

not the time

“This is not the time to talk about my driving ability,” the man said as he pushed and shoved at the crumpled door of his wrecked car, trying to free himself. The other vehicle, the one he had just hit, was totaled; its driver, apparently unharmed, was standing on the tarmac, berating him.

“Look, I get that you’re upset,” the man went on, finally managing to open the door and pull himself by his unbroken arm out of his smoking former ride, forcing his way under the deployed side-curtain airbags. “Perhaps, at some point in the future, we could discuss my skills behind the wheel. Now, however, it’s inappropriate.”

As sirens wailed in the distance, approaching rapidly, he went over to sit on the curb down the street from where the crash he’d caused had occurred. The other driver, still fuming with rage due to the fact that he’d seen the man drop his mobile phone then duck down to root around for it under the seat, changed subjects. “This is also not the appropriate time,” the man replied indignantly, when the other driver paused to take a breath, “to discuss whether or not I have car insurance.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorpha

ring sales soar

In the wake of a recent spell of marriage die-offs in Spokane, WA, area jewelry retailers are reporting a spike in sales of engagement rings and wedding bands. “People seem to be responding to the sudden, concentrated death of so many unions by wanting to obtain tools to allow them to get engaged or renew their previous vows,” said sociologist Henriett Weinstone, PhD, who researches lasting romantic bonds of commitment at Iowa State University. “It’s really been a bumper fall, so far,” said Raj Rahandawan, owner of Matrimonial Memories Emporium, a jewelry store in Liberty Lake, WA. “I feel sorry for all the many marriages that have died. Business, however, has been good.”

Recent mass marriage die-offs have been reported in cities across the United States. In a statement, the Confederated Wedding Band Manufacturers and Retailers Group, which represents the industry, said: “Individuals decide whether or not to get and stay married; they use our products as they see best fit, according to their constitutional rights. So long as people decide to dedicate themselves to each other, until death them parts, we’ll be there to give them the tools they need to get the job done.”

To tackle the recent romantic tragedies, singles groups and online dating services have stepped up their efforts to bring people together in state-sanctioned matrimony.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 01 Oct 2017

Compassion is hard
Heaping scorn on one’s sworn foes:
That’s far easier

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

glimpse at goddess

There was little she could do to help, Nuuzstathena reminded herself, whereupon she settled back onto her shield, legs crossed in full lotus, or shuang-pan.

She knew that some of her sister goddesses, especially Guanyin, were better able to penetrate the layers of suffering that gripped the hearts and clouded the minds of humans alive during this dark age, the compassion of the many-eyed one a bright beam to pierce the seas of darkened woe. Nuuzstathena excelled at wisdom, trickery, and the use of force to benefit mankind; quiet words and soothing touches were largely beyond her ken.

Which is why the grey-eyed one sat the way she did, waiting for man to set aside his love of the blind wrath of Ares, waiting for him to choose a brighter path, one not bathed in rivers of blood. Perched upon her lap was her spear, Reason, to which all men must eventually listen.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 27 Sep 2017

Sometimes, progress comes
From not trying to progress
From doing nothing

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorpha

dreamstate writing 26 Sep 2017

I was walking down a busy boulevard (similar to Hollywood, at Cherokee) when I felt compelled to leave it and use the restroom in a tastefully restored, three-storey-tall, red-brick building off to my right-hand side. The building appeared to house a discothek of sorts, with many people entering and exiting it, and music emanating from within. As I stepped over its threshold I noticed that bricks of raised, white, translucent Chinese hanzi writing-characters had been laid in intricate patterns over many of the bricks, covering most walls from floor to ceiling. The individual, mostly meter-tall hanzi were connected to one another with tapering, starburst-like trails of white and translucent bricks.

Making my way through the central dance-floor, past many happy guests, I entered the well-lit men’s facilities at the rear, whose walls were lined with yellowish-white tiles. Desiring privacy, I opened the doors to both water-closets at the back of this room, only to find sit-down toilets on raised platforms crammed into tiny rooms into which I did not feel like going, as they were dark and terribly close.

Turning instead to a bank of sinks and mirrors on the other wall, I had a conversation with some people milling about there, then exited the restroom into a rear performance space in which a man was playing a keyboard and singing, accompanied by another artist playing the drums. Excited at the quality of the music, I loosed a loud war-whoop, startling many of the black-clad guests who seemed to be enjoying the show (with their backs turned toward me), at which point I was approached by an usher in a black jacket with red lapels who grabbed my left elbow and started leading me to an open hangar door that gave out onto a side road. Halfway there, I shook off his grasp, telling him to not touch me, then mockingly asked him if I had to leave through the hangar door or if I could use the same door through which I’d entered. Realizing that I had offended him, I bowed to him with hands pressed together at the heart, a Thai wai. He stayed silently at my left-hand side, looking at me with widened eyes, until I returned to the land of mortal consciousness - and the pressing need to urinate.

As soon as I lay back down in bed after having finished voiding my bowels in the temporal commode, my alarm-clock rang, signaling the start of morning practices.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 24 Sep 2017

People in the West
Don’t mind that bystanders die.
But when neighbors die…

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 21 Sep 2017

Come sit in my house
I’ll pay you cash to be there
And let out the dogs

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan