missing coral found

Earlier this week, researchers discovered the majority of the world’s coral colonies living in rented apartments across America’s Midwest. Contrary to reports that the coral had vanished due to a rise in both ocean salinity and temperature as well as the presence of agricultural fertilizers and pesticides, it had apparently moved into lodgings in cities from Dayton, OH, to Bismarck, ND, in a now futile effort to avoid paying off loan-sharks after a rough few weeks of gambling on livestock futures. “We thought we had the beef market cornered,” said a visibly shaken trunk of pillar coral found wedged into the back of a walk-in closet.

“Thanks a fucking lot,” said a branch of staghorn coral while it was being measured, scanned, probed, and core-sampled. “Where are we supposed to come up with, like, a billion clams, huh?” World-famous for its painful lack of a sense of humor, researchers were dismayed to find that coral could be so punny.

(The author He Who Grasps At Straws contributed to this article.)

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan