man crushes friend by properly conjugating ‘sink’

Following years of diligent toil and ceaseless effort, budding local wordsmith Andreiu Theobald Anbargian landed a killer blow by correctly using the conditional perfect of the word sink. Speaking with the primary intention of irking group-newcomer Bryce Dillon Flanders (who claims to have ‘attended’ Harvard but seems to have only a rudimentary knowledge of how the English language works), Anbargian reveled in his minor victory. “Had I not found this job, it would have sunk me,” he said offhand during conversation with a group of acquaintances after listening to Flanders actually count off the tenses of ‘sink’ on his left hand while screwing his eyes up at the ceiling.

Shortly after his conditionally perfect utterance, Anbargian went home to feed his cats.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

[This is a work of fiction, not a factual representation. Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or otherwise is purely accidental.]

haiku 20 Sep 2018

To find employment 
Word of mouth works best, of course;
It sure beats begging 

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

area man’s strongest superlative is ‘cool’

Despite having had access to at least four separate dictionaries since moving back in with his parents three years ago, local hipster Sheldon T. Whittiesworth, 34, cannot seem to progress beyond ‘cool’. Whether it’s a wicked new movie or a sublime solar eclipse, Sheldon uses ‘cool’ as his go-to superlative expression in times of supreme emotionality and intense agitation.

Among the things, events, and places that Mr. Whittiesworth defined as being ‘cool’ are his thousand-dollar mobile phone, the birth of his first child, and the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, NL. According to sources, Sheldon recently experimented with using the word ‘rad’ for a few weeks before reverting to his previous monosyllabic and thermological preference.

Persons close to Mr. Whittiesworth indicate that, out of all units of language available, the last word they think about when contemplating his existence is ‘cool.’

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan