squirrels make peace

squirrels make peace

In the aftermath of a series of nearly-fatal shootings, the squirrels native to UCLA's botanical garden in a written statement sued for peace with humans. 'We see the error in our ways, and swear to mend them,' the short document read. 'From this day forward we will tolerate being teasing with, and attempts at play.'

“Those bushy tree rodents chap my buns,” said the alleged gunman, a Mr. Windthrowp, while hanging from construction beams rigging the underside of a nearby freeway ramp. “The little bastards should be happy I didn't have more than that derringer with; concealed permee is up though and with the heat on my ass I keep two shots.” “What?” he said upon reading the squirrel's statement. “This is clearly a ploy: trust them less than Stalin.”

At last observation, the situation appeared calm, these squirrels having adopted a posture of aggressive but civilized disdain toward the park's visitors.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

DOD now DOWOA

While preparations for the impeding military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran reach a fever pitch, spokespersons for what was formerly known as the Department of Defense (DOD) of the United States of America have traveled to nations across the globe to spread news of their employer's nominal re-branding. Now called the Department of Wars of Aggression, the government agency formerly known as the DOD decided to change its name to reflect America's new role in the world, that being no longer a nation that defends its own borders or those of its friends but one that frequently violates its own laws and the laws of various international charters by entering into wars of choice against sovereign foreign nations. “Ever since its disastrous police action in Viet-Nam, the American military has been continuously involved in hot conflicts in places such as Nicaragua, Iraq, and Afghanistan,” said Geraldine Fuchs-Kleimman, a former Navy pilot in her 30s who spoke to us from Nigeria via satellite-phone. “Since our illegal invasion of Iraq in 2003 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Afghanistan not long thereafter, my fellow peons and I have been hearing rumors that this name-change would occur; we're just happy that the Secretary of [previously Defense and now] Aggression finally got his shit together and filled out all that paperwork​.” A nation once hailed as the savior of mankind for defeating the Nazi plague that had threatened to grind all of Europe under its murderous jack-boot, America has plummeted recently in the estimation of her fellow nation-states. Having succumbed to the demands of a massive military-industrial complex and allowing nearly her entire society to be controlled by the narrow-minded policies of avaricious, for-profit corporations, however, once-fair Columbia has so drastically changed her tune that she barely resembles the nation she was just a few, short decades ago.

“I remember when we Americans minded our own business and let other peoples figure things out for themselves, enticing them perhaps with our goods and trying to get a toe-hold in their markets but not actually killing them and stealing their oil,” said 75-year-old farmer Henry James Wainschott Jr., proud tiller of soil, from atop a museum-worthy John Deere tractor. “I was reading that nearly $400 billion dollars of the current war budget is used to pay private military contractors. These contractors are the self-same motherfuckers charging two hundred dollars for a single sheet of dry-wall and lobbying like crazy to keep the illegal wars going, bankrupting the American Dream for nine-tenths of Americans with their abject, damnable greed.”


“Truth is, we're running out of foreign nation-states upon whom to wage wars of choice, and aggression,” said 47-year-old Maryland resident and senior analyst Vishay Utilanad, who works indirectly for the Secretary of Aggression [SecAgg]. “Once we give Iran a good drubbing, North Korea and Cuba will be the last things standing in the way of us dealing death, destruction, woe, and torment against the American population itself. Believe me, we've had a lot of practice subjugating unruly populations in the last decade: dust off your slave-shoes, folks, pucker up those suck-holes, and prepare to have all of your remaining constitutional protections revoked, because, like fucking idiots, y'all gave up your rights a long time ago.” The United Nations has issued a statement tentatively praising SecAgg's honesty.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

on Grigovia's mummies

Students of Central Asian history are celebrating the [re]discovery of vast burial and social complexes scattered throughout the heavily-wooded valleys of the towering Yiptlong massif. Bisecting the nation of Grigovia, the mountains have for millennia shielded the people who reside amongst their snow-capped peaks from enslavement, hunger, and want. With abundant rainfall in otherwise parched lands, a wealth of edible flora and useful fauna, and more deep, vine-choked woodland than most people would expect in a region lying so far above sea level (1600 meters, on average), it is little wonder that the ancestors of the modern Yaelong tribes settled here, and flourished. “Up until his death at age 97, my maternal grandfather would regularly lead me through mazes of tunnels reading the stories of the kings and queens of old that are carved into the stone walls of many of the subterranean halls. I shall gladly help decipher these pictographs and share what he shared with me,” said Erya Rovend, erstwhile leader of the Yaelong's Farflung Free nations and Grigovia's ambassador to the United Nations, who is currently living in South Dakota among the Lakota Sioux. “The proceeds from my newest book, 'A Yaelong Amongst Ynki,' will go to help to erect and operate a new visitor's center and to fund ecological and archaeological conservation efforts currently under way in the valleys of my youth.”

The sites, which include not only enormous mounds used for both burial and celestial reckoning but also entire cities made from quarried blocks the size of omnibuses, span dozens of square miles of what to the untrained eye resembles little more than dense forest. “We haven't seen anything this well-preserved from the ravages of history since the discovery of Teotihuacán, in central Mexico,” said Dr. Zynthia Weinbrenner, an archaeologist for National Geographic (Nat-Geo). “We felt that the time was right to share with the world the abundance and majesty of our forebears,“ said Duiro Vassd, leader of the Uloyindt branch of the First Peoples' Nation, a Yaelong tribe. “This is why we invited researchers, photographers, and writers from Nat-Geo into our sacred lands and guided them to sites spoken of only in myth by outlanders but celebrated and cherished in sung, verbal histories passed down to us from the time of Herodotus. We invite the world to come bear witness to another example of the artistic mastery and architectural cunning of bygone peoples.”

One [re]discovery likely to stand out is that of hundreds – if not thousands – of clay soldiers arranged in neat ranks around the 2nd Century tomb of King Leitho II, a feared ruler known even to Xerxes II, king of ancient Persia. Similar in scope to the terracotta figurines of Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huang Di, the Grigovian statues differ in that they were made using a clay rich in iron oxide, which should make locating them using x-ray and metal-detecting technology that much easier. “We know where to dig and what to dig for,” said Hu Lao-Xi, PhD., who has spent decades in his native Xian unearthing the armies of emperor Qin Shi Huang. “Therefore, we should be able to uncover more treasures more quickly than if the ancients had used a different base substance for their pottery.” Locals have little fear that outsiders will descend upon the area to rob graves or run off with hordes of ancient gold. “Not only is the terrain inaccessible to motorized vehicles, the great height and strong winds all but rule out airborne incursions,” said Thallandia Yündlennd, crown princess of Grigovia's now merely symbolic monarchy. “Furthermore, this region's ancient people stored their wealth in knowledge and art, not gold. Still, persons caught trying to smuggle treasures out of Grigovia will have their foreheads tattooed before answering to me.”

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

on arming rebels

The Grigovian government today issued a sharp rebuke of U.S. American efforts to sell arms to bands of Islamic extremist operating on the fringes of its western province of Tera Pyltannia, which borders Iran. Independent reports verify that operatives of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) have been working ceaselessly to provide weapons to a loose collection of tribesmen known as al Qusuf. Once allied with Grigovia's own indigenous Yaelong tribes, al Qusuf were expelled from the country after briefly instituting orthodox Sharia law back in the 1840s and subsequently abusing the rights of thousands of peaceful peasant women. “For nearly all of this region's recorded history, al Qusuf have been causing trouble,” said Dr. Ulantha Grossman, professor of Central Asian history at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “By all accounts, the members of al Qusuf are bad, dangerous people whose tools are repression, fear, and murder. The American government appears to be growing increasingly desperate in its attempts to destabilize the Iranian government prior to its impending violation of the latter nation's sovereignty. If this is how the Ynki spreads freedom and democracy, we want no part of it.“

Grigovian scouting parties recently captured dozens of rocket-propelled grenades as well as surface-to-air missiles capable of punching a modern fighter jet out of the sky, all of them stamped “Made In America.” Scores of individuals attempting to deliver these sophisticated weapons systems to contacts in the various al Qusuf militias were arrested, temporarily hobbled, and sent back to Washington with stern warnings against further unwarranted meddling. (In accordance with a longstanding national law, members of al Qusuf found within the borders of Grigovia are given the chance to flee; if they refuse, they are strangled to death.) “We have little control over how the American government treats the Iranians to our west or the Afghanis to our south,” said Pendogarst Ulyind, Lieutenant-Colonel of the Grigovian Border Defense Forces, from a network of well-provisioned caves somewhere in the mountains east of the Iranian-Grigovian border. “We as a people learned enough from being treated as a doormat for the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, however, to recognize clandestine foreign intervention for what it is – outright intrusion on our national sovereignty as well as a threat to regional stability.”

At least a dozen CIA operatives were carrying dossiers containing detailed information in languages familiar to al Qusuf about sites crucial to Grigovian infrastructure. “From the contents of these dossiers we conclude that U.S. American intelligence agencies are planning also to destabilize our own country's democratically elected government,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “My office has already begun to draft a binding United Nations resolution that aims to curtail Ynki activities here in Central Asia, and we are working with Russia Today and al Jazeera to draw attention to the fact that the U.S. appears to be arming forces hostile to Liberty and the rule of law in places beyond its own borders, which violates numerous international statutes as well as its own legal code.” The Glorious Republic of Grigovia shares more than a hundred kilometers of mountainous, largely inaccessible border with Iran. In recent years, the nation has resisted nearly a dozen ham-fisted attempts by American consortia and corporations to gain control over its vast resources of rare-earth minerals.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

a fortuitous mugging

An otherwise uneventful visit to Los Angeles by the Jianus family was interrupted recently by armed robbery. “Can you imagine!?” said Hulfu, at 14 years the youngest child and only boy. “All the movies I have ever seen were coming true. There was the man standing with the knife and asking for our wallets. So cool!” The Jianus', a Finnish family, had traveled to America's West Coast to go to Disneyland and learn how to surf, and up until the time of the mugging everything had been running smoothly. “Then, though, Dad decided to save some money by traveling to Venice boardwalk by bus instead of by cab,” said Estra, the middle child, a maiden of 16 years. “We find ourselves deep in East Los Angeles, and as soon as we get off the bus, a dirty man jumps up from where he was lying in a pile of trash. He rips the map from my father's hands and puts a weapon in my mother's face, saying he wants money. My father throws his wallet at him and we all run the other way. Wow. I can't wait to tell my friends back in Oulu.“

“Because none of us were injured, my husband refused to call the police,” said Tilda, the family's matriarch, a lithe woman of 37 years. “I mentioned to the hotel concierge what had happened, and she made the call. I don't think they found the poor man, and I don't expect to recover what money was lost, but I hope our experience will cause other people to be more careful than we were.” The Jianus' have been staying at a hotel in Downtown L.A., the nexus for most city bus lines. “On every block of Broadway, there seem to be three different buses going in six different directions,” said 19 year old Xantha, the eldest daughter. “I feel bad that my father threw his wallet at the man, whose feet were swollen and covered with large blisters and who was obviously a little crazy in the head. Maybe before we leave I go back and give him some hot food and more money.”

Violent crime is relatively rare in Finland; the Jianus' story has been taken up by that country's press corps and reprinted by all of its major news outlets. “Lots of people praise me for relinquishing my wallet and then running, instead of just running,” said Ervost Jianus, age 40. “And anyway, as a seasoned world traveler, I never leave my hotel room with important documents on my person, so the wallet contained only a few hundred dollars in cash. I shall likely be made to sleep on the couch for a few weeks, but that is a price I accept for giving my children an experience they will never forget.” In the week after this story first hit Finnish shores, travel bookings from Helsinki to Los Angeles increased fivefold.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

on VT day

War-weary peoples of the world, rejoice, for today we celebrate Victory over Terror. The federal government of the United States of America continues to wage war on terror, which at best is nothing more than a state of mind; we their erstwhile accomplices in this war of choice, however, have had enough. “No more,” we say, and, “This aggression will stand no longer.“ America's role is not to play world policeman but to protect the territory it currently holds and bring about the Safety and Happiness of the people living within its borders.

For too long have the docile populations of the West stood by as their governments killed innocent civilians, among them children and violated international law; now is the time for action, even if it is merely symbolic. When the Allies defeated the Japanese Empire (by annihilating the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki with blinding nuclear hellfire), jubilant masses across the globe celebrated VJ Day, the Day of Victory over the Japanese. Terror, however, lives nowhere but in the mind, which is only a hard target if it hasn't been softened up first by willful and continuous consumption of junk television and processed foods. No nukes are needed if the people sacrifice their hearts and souls to the foul twin gods of avarice and convenience; slaves have already conceded defeat.

“But Mr. liesmith,” some persons are bound to say, “the president and every other worthless motherfucker on television keeps talking about the growing terrorist threat, and how drone strikes and extraordinary renditioning are necessary to safeguard the American people. What do you say to that?” To this I say: Throw your television out the window, burn your morning paper, and start getting your news from non-American sources such as Russia Today and al Jazeera, because fearmongery only works on people who hear and see it; we who consciously limit our expose to mainstream U.S. propaganda fear nothing – not fictional Islamic bogeymen, avoidable financial sequestration, or militarized police forces. To quote from the First Peoples leader Tecumseh: “When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.” On the first Thursday of each month, celebrate VT day by clearing the mind of worry and toasting with other good people to peace, prosperity, and friendship. Break out the champagne bottle and motherfucking condoms, oh liberated minds of Earth, because in a world free of the specter of terror, everyone gets laid.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Zampyut the Sad

The young wife of King Zampyut the Wise had died during childbirth, and he was lonely. His other, grown children were off at different royal courts conducting business and forming alliances; his subjects were happy, housed, and well-provisioned; and the courtier who had been his most outspoken critic had been mistaken for a stag recently, and shot. Not only was the king lonely, he was also bored. His foul mood lifted and great joy flooded his heart upon hearing that a maiden had been spotted in the far reaches of the realm whose beauty outshone that of all others. “Bring her to me,” the king commanded to Thoraei, head of his security detail. “But be gentle, lest her fairness be ruined.” At once the man set to his given task, riding out forthwith and questioning many peasants as to the whereabouts of the mysterious maiden.

Having tracked her down in a hamlet nestled in the dizzying heights of the towering Yiptlong massif, Thoraei had her placed in a carriage and escorted back to the gilded halls of his king. “To where are you taking me?” the maiden asked, to no avail; awed by her radiant loveliness, the men of her escort were unable to look at her, let alone respond. ”The rumors were true,” King Zampyut said with tears running down his cheeks as he greeted the maiden at the outer boundary marker of his capital city. “Please, child, tell me your name.” “Vrida,” the maiden said, her dark hair and fair skin glowing in the light of the setting sun. Without another word, the king dismounted, helped Vrida from her carriage, and asked for her hand in marriage, right there in the dusty road. A wedding! What joy, the commoners said, what good fortune that our king has found a new queen so quickly.

Vrida, however, who had grown up chasing horses and eating wild onions in lush high valleys, began to curse her lot. 'Here I sit,' she thought, 'trapped in a stone tower in a strange city being dressed and poked at by foolish and soft-handed women, and all I want to do is run once more with my ponies.' “What do you desire, my Queen-soon-to-be?” said Zampyut upon composing himself after having seen her the next morning. “I wish only to go home, my King, and live the life of any other high-valley maiden; I miss my horses.” “I shall have your horses brought here. Would that make you smile?” “Please do not, my King – it would kill them to leave their home, just as it is killing me.” At this the King rose up angrily, making many threats and even kicking at a young errand boy who strayed within his reach. “Now that your sadness is known to me, it tarnishes my image of your beauty. As your King, I command you to be happy.” “Please, oh wise sovereign, let me leave again, and return to my family,” Vrida said. “No,” the reply; “you are mine, and shall stay mine.” That night, with a last long look at the cluster of stars to which she as a child would tell her darkest secrets, the beautiful maiden flung herself from her tower window onto the rocks below. Not only was the King lonely once more, his desolation was now saturated with sadness.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia condemns killings

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently joined a growing number of nations protesting America's ongoing policy of killing people using unmanned aerial systems, or drones. Concurrent with its formal application to United Nations membership, Grigovia signed the Pact of Peace amongst Prosperous Peoples (PoPaPP), which censures the government of the United States and calls for it to stop its drone strikes immediately. “Given the illegality of these attacks and a proven American willingness to bomb the citizens of nations with which it is not officially at war, we call for America to forget hatred, anger, and fear and return to the table of friendship,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “It is illegal, inappropriate, and rude for a big kid to go around with a bucket of his own tears drowning the smaller kids who live down the street.”

Since assuming world hegemony after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, the federal government of the United States of America has donned a mantle it once sacrificed so much to overthrow: that of petty, spiteful tyrant. “Fewer than 70 years ago, the U.S. fought to free the oppressed people of the world from the tyrants Hitler and Hirohito,” said Biel Nourdegast, professor of 20th Century history at Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “Now, however, it spirits people from the lands of their birth and tortures them in secret prisons around the world while also using its unmanned aerial systems to watch, track, and kill persons it merely suspects of wanting to do it or its people harm. Such behavior is estimable to tyrants only.” In 1776, a group of non-conformist Americans operating in the 13 original colonies cried foul of King George's ongoing torture and intimidation of his own subjects; they rebelled, using terrorist tactics to topple a corrupt and murderous hegemon. Now, though, in 2013, their ancestors torture and intimidate peaceful peoples the world over, fomenting anger and spreading hatred one drone strike at a time.

“On many levels, the American government's actions violate its founding documents, including the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution” said Ula Ouliffant, a political science student at Eastern Grigovia University, in Gar Nuuzsh. “When president Obama authorized the Hellfire missile strike that killed the son of Anwar al-Awlaki, he violated the XIV Constitutional amendment by depriving the boy of life without due process of law [i.e. without first fulfilling the young man's right to a trial by his peers]. Any sane person will agree that the president of a republic who destroys its founding document by violating its clearly worded text should be removed from office as quickly as is possible.” Grigovia has expelled the American diplomatic mission until such time as drone strikes stop. Despite ongoing international efforts, neither presidents G.W. Bush nor B.H. Obama will likely ever be tried in The Hague for their crimes against humanity.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia employs seniors

Reluctant to lose the collective knowledge of its aging generations, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently established the Wisdom & Heritage Institute (WHI) at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. At the Institute, knowledgeable persons older than sixty years are invited to share their wisdom and talents with the general public in a structured, scholastic environment. “We have much to learn from the people who came before us, from patriots who fought for their freedom against both Nazi and Soviet,” said Derogast Olyindt of the Center for Graceful Aging, a private charitable organization. He continued, saying, “For too long have we let them rot away, alone and sad, in elder-care facilities. I applaud efforts currently under way to engage with individuals of such value.” Classes will be held on the campus of WHI, a refurbished former industrial site on the Yalung River with views of both Lady Liberty and the distant, towering Yiptlong massif. “These our latest efforts were born primarily from American and European studies,” said Dr. Hueiyue Yen, head of geriatrics at Grig's own Yündlennd Healing Hospital. “Numerous meta-studies show that when an older person is valued by his society for more than his ability to die slowly in a nursing home, he leads a healthier, happier, and more independent life, right up until its end.”

A majority of the curricula at the Wisdom and Heritage Institute will focus on vanishing native arts such as basketry, storytelling, animal husbandry, and celestial navigation. A few senior citizens have signed up to teach martial arts, wilderness survival skills, yoga, cat-burglary, and bicycle repair on-the-fly. (The Institute apologizes that these courses filled up within hours of becoming available; it invites persons with experience in these fields to come teach.) In addition to classes, WHI will hold workshops in which older mentors will be paired up with and learn how to guide and assist their younger counterparts along life's twists and turns. Once again, the organizers of the Institute mined primarily American and European studies for methods to combat mental decay and physical atrophy among older citizens.

Classes are provided free of charge once applicants submit detailed declarations of purpose written on no fewer than three pages (single-spaced and using the font Heraldic New). The Institute aims to build camaraderie amongst all strata of Grigovian society while serving as a breeding ground for new ideas and a safe place to test them out. “Students should not expect formal testing, rote memorization, or chalk on blackboards,” said Mrs. Hilde Wendoyend, PhD., head of the Ministry of Education, a co-sponsor of WHI. “What they should expect is the unexpected: making blood stew from goat freshly slaughtered or learning how to pick a pocket while juggling, skills the average person can use on a daily basis.” Donations to the Wisdom and Heritage Fund, which helps to finance the WHI, can be made On-line or dropped off at any branch of the Grigovian National Bank. For more information about being a student or teacher at WHI, please contact your local censor.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

man finds calling

Having returned from a trip to the big city with a sack of powerful drugs, area whorphan Solomon Erasmus Hendrick rediscovered one of his passions in life. With cabinets full of food and a heart drained of pride, he spent nearly a whole week curled up on the couch in the living-room smoking the drugs he had purchased, eating the food he had stockpiled, and watching repeatedly the first season of a television show named Community.

While he was hiding from the brutish realities of life, he kept telling himself that he was merely taking a break from the writing and the artistic processes and that he would return to his duties once the drugs were gone. So far, on this first day Post Binge, he rose with the sun, did a full and proper yoga session, ate a light and sensible breakfast, and is now back at his desk, writing; so far, he has been able to keep his mind on his task and off his yearning for More.

For many years, Mr. Hendrick was convinced that he could only live one of two ways, either fully twisted or completely sober. The success of his recent experiment indicates that with a modicum of discipline and a shred of self-respect he can move from one mode to the next – from being creative to slacking and back to being creative – without losing himself in either process. Compared to the near-total paralysis in productivity that usually happens when he gets his hands on some drugs, recent developments indicate that maybe, just maybe, Solomon is figuring himself out. Huzzah.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

trabant #2

Grig on the Yalung II

stealing sunbeams

- February 2013 drawing series