While preparations for the impeding military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran reach a fever pitch, spokespersons for what was formerly known as the Department of Defense (DOD) of the United States of America have traveled to nations across the globe to spread news of their employer's nominal re-branding. Now called the Department of Wars of Aggression, the government agency formerly known as the DOD decided to change its name to reflect America's new role in the world, that being no longer a nation that defends its own borders or those of its friends but one that frequently violates its own laws and the laws of various international charters by entering into wars of choice against sovereign foreign nations. “Ever since its disastrous police action in Viet-Nam, the American military has been continuously involved in hot conflicts in places such as Nicaragua, Iraq, and Afghanistan,” said Geraldine Fuchs-Kleimman, a former Navy pilot in her 30s who spoke to us from Nigeria via satellite-phone. “Since our illegal invasion of Iraq in 2003 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Afghanistan not long thereafter, my fellow peons and I have been hearing rumors that this name-change would occur; we're just happy that the Secretary of [previously Defense and now] Aggression finally got his shit together and filled out all that paperwork.” A nation once hailed as the savior of mankind for defeating the Nazi plague that had threatened to grind all of Europe under its murderous jack-boot, America has plummeted recently in the estimation of her fellow nation-states. Having succumbed to the demands of a massive military-industrial complex and allowing nearly her entire society to be controlled by the narrow-minded policies of avaricious, for-profit corporations, however, once-fair Columbia has so drastically changed her tune that she barely resembles the nation she was just a few, short decades ago.
“I remember when we Americans minded our own business and let other peoples figure things out for themselves, enticing them perhaps with our goods and trying to get a toe-hold in their markets but not actually killing them and stealing their oil,” said 75-year-old farmer Henry James Wainschott Jr., proud tiller of soil, from atop a museum-worthy John Deere tractor. “I was reading that nearly
$400 billion dollars of the current war budget is used to pay private military contractors. These contractors are the self-same motherfuckers charging two hundred dollars for a single sheet of dry-wall and lobbying like crazy to keep the illegal wars going, bankrupting the American Dream for nine-tenths of Americans with their abject, damnable greed.”
“Truth is, we're running out of foreign nation-states upon whom to wage wars of choice, and aggression,” said 47-year-old Maryland resident and senior analyst Vishay Utilanad, who works indirectly for the Secretary of Aggression [SecAgg]. “Once we give Iran a good drubbing, North Korea and Cuba will be the last things standing in the way of us dealing death, destruction, woe, and torment against the American population itself. Believe me, we've had a lot of practice subjugating unruly populations in the last decade: dust off your slave-shoes, folks, pucker up those suck-holes, and prepare to have all of your remaining constitutional protections revoked, because, like fucking idiots, y'all gave up your rights a long time ago.” The United Nations has issued a statement tentatively praising SecAgg's honesty.
mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥
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