Daesh ambassador arrives

A new ambassador arrived at the United Nations this morning, to little fanfare. Representing the ‘Islamic State’ in Syria and the Levant (Daesh, or ISIL), Iqbad al-Khyber plans to fight for the right to spread a caliphate over all known peoples of the world. “By referring to my group as a state, high-ranking members of the United States gave us legitimacy and allowed us to gain access to this international body,” al-Khyber said, updating his profile on the jihadist Twitter account he runs. Appointed to his position by a Daesh ruling body that is in the process of fleeing the Syrian and Russian forces liberating Aleppo, the ISIL ambassador finished taping his terrorist group’s flag to the inside of his hotel window then ventured out into the streets of New York for a look around. “It’s surprising to me that we have made it this far,” he said, his eyes dancing across the opulent skyscrapers and clothing boutiques rising from Manhattan bedrock. “If only the Palestinians would catch on and pledge to fight the sworn enemies of America while in actuality battling the Ynki imperialist and his blood-drenched cohorts. We are foreign outsiders who gained official American recognition within a few years by committing horrible atrocities and subjecting large swaths of central Asia to Sharia law, whereas the Palestinians, the Ynki Dakota Sioux, the Iraqi Yazidi, or the Burmese Kachin are native peoples primarily yearning to choose their own path in life. Who knew that all a group of people had to do in order to gain recognition as such was call itself a state?” After a few hours of aimless wandering, al-Khyber reached the memorial raised in memory of the 11 September 2001 attacks, where he wept in honor of the 15 Saudi Arabian hijackers who had died in the process of reducing the World Trade Center’s twin towers to rubble.

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia recognizes independence

As a sign of solidarity to all peoples who struggle for their freedom, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) officially recognized their independence. In a declaration, GROG first defined the concepts of both independence and Liberty before listing the peoples whose efforts it supports. These include the Tamil of Sri Lanka, the West Papuan tribes of Indonesia, the Lakota Sioux of the United States of America, the Tuareg of nations across the Sahara, the Mapuche of South America, the Kurdish minorities in Central Asia, and the Palestinians in the Middle East.

“We fought the Soviet empire for many years, pouring out blood, sweat, and tears in our efforts to free ourselves from the yoke of oppression,” said Djaindoglast Bilyend, deputy head of the Grigovian foreign ministry. “As a result, we shall never stop fighting for Liberty, justice, and independence, or for the right to choose our own course in this world – for the fleeting beauty of self-determination. Now, we hold aloft the torch of Progress as a beacon to downtrodden peoples the world over by which they might find their way back out of slavery.”

Grigovia held a summit for leaders of the aforementioned independence movements in the fortified halls of the HM Queen Pylta Hotel. After a sensible meal of czabtyip wine and tchuirff – a local pastry made of acorn flower, goose meat, and sharp curry – prime minister Dr. Alaia Estoyast pledged financial and material support to all peoples who yearn to be free. “We weep for your fallen, we bleed when you are cut, and we stand alongside you every step of the way,” she said, to thunderous applause. GROG, a small, landlocked nation, is readying teams of advisers that it will send to meet with and train the various militias, as well as any government-in-exile, but only by request, never forcefully. Progress has already been made: thanks in part to Grigovian efforts, the United Nations recently granted the Palestinians observer state status, much to the consternation of the freedom-hating governments of America and Israel.

(For a list of downtrodden peoples, please visit http://ministry.foreign.gv/independence.)




mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥