candidates postpone election

Citing the need to visit affected areas and have their pictures taken in emergency shelters and amidst the rubble of homes and businesses destroyed by one-time hurricane Sandy, contenders Mitt Romney and Barack Obama agreed in a session closed to the public to postpone the election until after their campaigns had gathered enough disaster-related footage to make them appear worthy of the presidency. Rather than use his massive personal fortune to help make a difference in the lives of persons affected by the frankenstorm, Romney held a canned food drive in towns not affected too severely by the tropical depression, exploiting the generosity of middle class American stranger so as to make himself appear as if he were a man of the people. Meanwhile, the sitting president was kicking butt and taking names in states all up and down the eastern seaboard, handing out tax dollars in the form of emergency assistance and not even flinching when New York's mayor Bloomberg told him haughtily to stay away from the island of Manhattan.

Unbenownst to both Democrat fear-mongers and Republican war-mongers, the 2012 election proceeded as scheduled, the American people deeming it unnecessary to remind the political duopoly that the date for elections is defined in the Constitution. “Postpone the election?” said Morris Plains, New Jersey, resident Samwell Gupta-Smith, whose house was still power three days after the storm had passed “Are they that fucking stupid?” “We heard that Obama and Romney wanted to push this thing back,” said underemployed materials specialist Egon Valorbound Goldsmied, of New York's Lower East Side. “Which would be all well and good if – and only if – we all happened to live in whatever fantasy land those two seem to inhabit. But we don't, so, on November 6th, my wife and I will walk through the mud and the muck to our neighborhood polling station and vote for a third-party candidate.”

Mr. Goldsmied's sentiments were echoed by nearly everyone with whom we spoke: a women's group in Connecticut showed us a letter they had written to their former political overlords in Washington in which the corrupt officials were kindly told to go fuck themselves and to not let the door hit their posteriors on the way out; a group of freshly-minted teenage voters in Indiana – after realizing that neither ass nor pachyderm would address the real problems facing our nation – celebrated the candidacy of Dr. Jill Stein by occupying an abandoned lot, planting therein a community garden, and turning their cardboard Romney signs into compost; a men's bridge club in Florida dismantled the enormous “O” (for Obama) that they had helped bolt to the entrance sign of their nursing home, replacing it with a recyclable banner supporting governor Gary Johnson, the candidate for the Libertarian party. From the shores of the Great Lakes to the tasseled fringes of the bible belt, citizens from all walks of life shrugged off the stifling mantle of politics-as-usual and made the first cautious steps in the lifelong effort of taking their country back – by smashing their TV sets to pieces and bravely casting their ballots for a third-party.

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women choose wisely

Sick and tired of the status quo, and fed up with Washington's shell game of politics-as-usual, women – who make up a majority of the American voting population – chose wisely this November 6th by electing Gary Johnson to the presidency. (This article is an obvious fake, as Americans do not elect their president; he is chosen for them by the electoral college.) At once shocked by the Republican assault on female reproductive rights and appalled by its attempts to deny homosexuals such rights as are granted to heterosexuals, Ynki voters possessing of two (2) X chromosomes had also had enough of president Obama's crack-down on the right of fully-emancipated adults to use drugs of their choice, including marijuana.

“We've had enough of this bullshit,” said Staci-Rose Fluenchif, chairperson of the New Ynki Women's Freedom Council (NYWFC), while inspecting a shelter for battered women in downtown Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. “I'm sick of watching two greased politicians yelling statistics back and forth at each other during their so-called debates, both of them dancing around the issues yet neither really saying anything of substance. Hillary Clinton's efforts at (the) State (Department) notwithstanding, we think that the Democrats, in a hundred and fifty years of existence have failed to do enough to to protect freedom or to spread opportunity equally amongst the various peoples of this land; and the Republicans, well, they seem to have just completely dropped the ball, lounging around in their plush D.C. offices and finger-banging each other over their efforts to destroy the rights of gays and lesbians. Unbelievable.” Walking while she talked, chairperson Fleunchif also managed to review a steady stream of Council-related documents coming in on her hand-held tablet computer.

Upon hearing the news, former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson breathed a sign of relief. “Now, things are really going to get interesting,” the freshly-minted president said. “With the backing of the NYWFC, and with such overwhelming numbers of women voting for the libertarian ideals of freedom and reduced taxation, this election signals the end of the old political processes and an ushering-in of a new era of peaceful prosperity for all Americans large and small, gay and straight, male and female, dark of skin and pale of face. In the weeks leading up to this decision, my staff and I kept seeing sterile-looking properties with their meticulously-kept yards and a Romney/Ryan flag out front, figuring it likely that most of those homes had at least one woman living in them whose voice had been cowed into silence by years of both outright and passive-aggressive male chauvinism coming not only from a husband's political party but also from a pastor or priest and from the constant stream of vituperative effluvia coming from today's conservative talking heads, on television. Our decision to speak directly to these women payed off in that they finally woke up to their own enormous, untapped potential and voted for the only party dedicated to the ideals upon which this nation was founded, those being the right to choose for ourselves how to Live, to choose for ourselves how to be free, and to choose for ourselves what activities or substances make us Happy.” Here, president Johnson paused to answer a congratulatory telephone call from Nelson Mandela. “My fellow Americans, today our successful future lies, as it always has lain, in the gentle hands of this nation's women. May Lady Liberty herself bless you with long, healthy lives and quick, painless deaths. Mahalo.”

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candidates end campaigns

After reviewing dozens of separately-conducted polls and spending long hours analyzing scores of different cost-benefit-analyses, the presidential campaigns of both President Obama and his Republican rival, Mitt Romney, decided – nearly simultaneously – to end their efforts to hold or to gain the White House. “This whole damn business just doesn't add up, anymore,” said Mr. Obama while carefully measuring four fingers of fine Tennessee cognac into a crystal goblet, which he promptly emptied. “We asses and elephants have eroded the concept of Liberty in America so greatly as to have all but driven it from these shores,” the President continued as he roamed around the Oval Office, at times practicing throwing his knives at a round wooden target, at times staring dejectedly out at the heavily-armed and stone-faced guards prowling the iron gates of his prison-like, tax-payer-funded office complex. Sighing deeply, Mr. Obama ran a hand through his rapidly graying hair and lamented having run for public office at all, let alone for the post of Head Honcho.

“I don't at all envy Barack his lofty post,” declared former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney from his tastefully-decorated war rooms that sprawl across the top three floors of the Hamilton Hotel a few blocks down from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington, D.C. “And, frankly, I don't quite remember who talked me into trying to take over for him, or who convinced me to expose myself and my family to such enormous stresses, strains, and scrutiny. Fuck, man, all I want to do is to go chill on a boat somewhere, and maybe have a relaxing swim.”

The end of the Obama and the Romney campaigns has led most voters to support Gary Johnson, the candidate for the Libertarian Party, who plans to do away with the federal government's less necessary and more anti-democratic offshoots such as the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Transit Security Authority (TSA), and to end such absurdly wasteful practices as stealing money from honest and upstanding individual citizens and giving that money to industrial farming operations in the form of free-market-destroying subsidies. Said Mr. Johnson from a rented RV parked a few exits outside the Beltway, “This is big, big news, my fine and Truth-loving fellow Americans; the erstwhile top dogs are now out of the race, and the people of this land are fed up with the political status-quo in Washington – with its failed War On Drugs, its tendency to redistribute wealth to the already-wealthy, its granting of favors to rich lobbyists and other financially-well-off special interest, its constant war-mongering, and its support for a massive military-industrial-complex that profits only when the various peoples of the world kill each other. We Libertarians now have the opportunity to replace all of these negative and freedom-destroying aspects of government with simple and straight-forward measures designed to Secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, in direct accordance with the Constitution of the United States of America. I know that it'll suck for me if I actually do become President, but somebody, at some point, was going to have to reign in fantastically over-extended governmental power, and, well… shit – I'll do it.”

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