Grigovian princesses born

With little fanfare and less public fuss, princess Thallandia Yündlennd of Grigovia recently gave birth to healthy twin girls. The heiresses to the (perfunctory and largely ceremonial) royal house of this small, landlocked Central Asian nation were born in the wee hours of Saturday morning to the aforementioned princess and Reginald Augustus Steele, a U.S. born author, artist, and social critic who can trace his ancestry to the founding of the American republic. Now that his liaison with princess Thallandia has borne fruit, two of the world's strongest hereditary lines have merged: a Son of the American Revolution and direct descendant ​of the Founders of the Virginia Colony, Mr. Steele walks in Beauty, working tirelessly to safeguard Liberty; and Her Somewhat Royal Highness Ms. Yündlennd can trace her ancestry all the way back to wise old king Krukuv himself, who in the 14th Century married a fierce-eyed princess of the most powerful Yaelong tribe and later dug the first tunnels under now-cosmopolitan Grig. “It is good that so few people have taken notice of this event,” said a radiantly glowing princess Thallandia during an on-line video interview. “We are glad to have received only a handful of cards from well-wishers, and happy that we can go about our business without being hounded by hordes of paparazzi.” In the background of the high-definition video up-link, Reginald Steele, whose presence causes hearts to stir, nodded sagely while tending to his newborn children. Thallandia continued, saying, “According to a recent census, the Grigovian people tolerate the House of Yündlennd for the following reasons: we maintain traditions such as the monthly Celebration of the New Moon, which is also a national women's holiday; we live modestly and do not parade around in gilded coaches; we spend our time and resources advancing the causes of personal liberty, self-sufficiency, and world peace; and most of all because we stay out of politics and watch as the citizens of this fine land rule themselves through an efficient and direct democracy.” The twins – born in summer's heat – carry the names Shimur and Freya.

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sun ruins date

Just as Vladimir Kirishnikov had stepped into the shadows and was removing his trousers in preparation for jumping into his family's in-ground pool, the sun peeked out of the clouds behind which it had been hiding all morning, exposing his birthmark-riddled legs to a blast of blindingly-bright sunlight. With a shouted curse directed at the gods of his ancestors, the seventeen-year-old young man from Paoli, Pennsylvania yelled, “Bozhe moi!” and leaped into the glittering wet, but not before his date, sixteen-year-old Keren-Ann Chesterfield, cheerleader and text-messaging enthusiast from a few towns over, caught a fully-illuminated glimpse of the large, splotchy red marks that cluster around the tops of his knees. Swimming to the bottom of the pool, Vladimir attempted to punch himself in the mouth for not having worn those swimming trunks with the longer legs, forgetting, however, how difficult it is to to punch things while underwater and rising soon back to the surface, to face the music.

Having uttered a barely perceptible, “Ugh,” Ms. Chesterfield pulled her summer dress back on over her freaking brand-new bikini and dragged her designer purse back onto her lap. Reclining into her slender hardwood deck chair, she started to compose the first of many messages to all of her friends mocking her date for his unfortunate skin condition, which she had heard of in rumor but never actually seen with her own eyes. “Yeh,” she said in a text to Barbara “Bunni-Buns” Reyes, her best friend forever from cheer-leading, “legs like so gross. omfg pls come get meeeeee!!!?!?!?!???!?!?”

Keren-Ann left soon thereafter without even trying to get close to any part of Vladimir's body, leaning forward and giving him the most awkward a-frame hug yet witnessed by man. While Mr. Kirishnikov at first admitted to being somewhat peeved by the girl's behavior, any residual sadness vanished as soon as his backup date – a fifteen-year-old lacrosse player from his own school – got dropped off at the front gate to his house, by her dad.

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