peacerist cell discovered

Another group of avowed peacerists was discovered today on a sizeable ranch east of suburban San Diego, California, USA. At least seven individuals were removed from the compound for questioning, all of whom flashed ‘victory’ fingers, known in America as the ‘peace’ sign. Also found on the secluded premises were huge stockpiles of hugs, positive feels, kind words, heartfelt gestures, and other such sappy drivel. Experts indicate that the group was readying to launch a campaign of unconditional loving affection in the upcoming months, or even weeks.

Authorities destroyed plots of spathiphyllum, or peace lilies, that were being cultivated in at least five greenhouses. “It’s crazy to think we’d find this kind of activity here, of all places,” said local sheriff Pietro Nunez-Smith. “I’m just glad these peacerists were found before they launched any type of caring, or affirmative, action.”

“This is a war-loving town,” said Georgina T. Robinsceau, a city councilperson. “Companies here produce and sell tens of billions of dollars of weapons to militaries, dictators, and militant groups around the world. Who would have imagined that vile peacerists would want to disrupt such commerce? I’m sickened.” The number of peacerists attacks on soft targets is expected to increase in direct proportion to the scale and scope of ongoing wars, worldwide.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

government slashes taxes

After declaring that the American military shall be out of Afghanistan by the year 2014, the Obama administration announced plans to lower taxes for all Americans. Said the President while shotgunning a mocha latte on his way to a middle-school performance of Inherit The Wind: “We are going to cut these taxes by not renewing the contracts of over half of all service military personnel and by waiting two full calendar years before placing any more orders for tanks, jets, frigates, uniforms, or machine-pistols. We've got so much of this shit just lying around collecting dust, anyway, and, since we spend many times more on so-called defense than all other major world players combined, including Russia, and China, we have built up a bit of breathing room for ourselves. By reducing our war-related expenditures and not paying hundreds of billions of dollars to independent war-related contractors, for example, we can afford to collect hundreds of billions of fewer tax-dollars.”

The decision to draw down the military to numbers capable of protecting the homeland – that being the physical constraints of fair Columbia – has been applauded by administration critics and supporters alike; the decision to spend money rebuilding schools and hospitals here in America rather than rebuilding them in far and dusty lands has been met with joyous praise and loud cries of thanks. “The other parents in my Parent-Teachers-Association and I have been curious to know why nearly 54% of our taxes was being spent on trying to kill sneaky jihads overseas while only a fraction of it was being used to educate young minds in our own backyards,” said concerned housewife and mother-of-one Bridgit Romaine-Staudemeiyer, 28, from Seal Beach, California. “It seems as if our elected leaders are slowly getting their shit together – slowly, mind you, but, we hope, steadily.”

“In our age of information-technology warfare, it doesn't matter how many tanks a country has, or how many sovereign nations its forces occupy,” said Ululandno Iishitakko, a security consultant for Heath & Hearth Industries, a consulting firm bent on creating a peaceful and verdant world in which America's troopers can finally come home and get some rest. “When a pod of starving hackers working out of a filthy basement in some former Soviet-bloc republic can infiltrate Pentagon security and hack a drone flying over a battlefield in al-Anbar province, those selfsame scumbags can shut down the U.S. military's various communications networks at home and abroad, rendering them effectively useless. It's a whole new ball-game, boys and girls.” While entering Marine 1, in which the head of state would fly to Camp David for a series of meetings with leaders from South America's socialist-leaning countries, Mr. Obama said, “We're gonna take the money we've been spending to maintain physical presences in hot-spots around the globe and use some of it to beef up our communications networks here at home, networks that were shoddily constructed by sycophantic security consultants during my predecessor's administration, networks so full of holes that they resemble that good Vermont swiss cheese I love so much. We need to start letting the various peoples of the world figure out their own problems; we need to stop acting like the globe's recess monitors, picking sides and choosing winners. We start healing America again by slashing taxes across the board.” As his helo alighted from the ground with a bone-clattering thwacking sound, the president showed the assembled reporters two fingers on his left hand spread into a V, for victory.

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)