child sues president

Upon reading the Constitution to the United States of America for the first time in her second-period civics class, 11 year old doll enthusiast and life-long Illinois resident Georgette Jeane Yarbroshnikov filed suit against president Barack Hussein Obama. Citing in her case the commander in chief's wanton disregard for the role clearly spelled out for him in the Constitution, our nation's second-most important document after the Declaration of Independence, Ms. Yarbroshnikov also referenced Common Law, the law of the forest, and the law of the preservation of energy to dismiss the president's more heavy-handed actions, among them the signing of the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 and his continuing insistence on killing Americans and foreign citizens alike via drone-strike.

“There is an old saying that goes something like this,” Georgette said during a press conference held in her older brother's ramshackle tree-fort out by Mr. Eth's pond. “Before I forget, though, please don't tell my brother we were in here, because he'd get pissed at me and torch my doll's clothes again. Anyway, the saying is: 'It is so obvious even a kid could see it,' or similar. What it means is that our sitting president's actions constitute continuing, glaring, and brazen assaults on the fabric of this nation's democracy; his persecution of non-violent marijuana users alone is a crude erosion of the Constitution's very preamble, in which it states that the role of government is to secure for us all – commonly and individually – the Blessings of Liberty. Do no-knock raids and the levying of prison sentences and fines against peaceful drug consumers sound like the Blessings of Liberty to you? No, not to me, either. In fact, they sound like full-blown tyranny.”

To the surprise of prominent law professors, activist judges, and officials at the falsely-named Department of Justice, Ms. Yarbroshnikov's suit has proceeded past the lower court of Illinois, its progression to the Supreme Court all but assured. “Not only are the young lady's arguments slick, concise, and well-written, she makes a compelling case against many of Mr. Obama's actions as president,” said Dr. Theobald D. Kluff, former dean of the Southern Poverty Law Center. “It is not for a lack of trying that we have not been able to check and balance the various branches of government according to the Constitution. Believe me, we have been concerned with presidential power-grabbing since Mr. George W. Bush started going overboard in the aftermath of the 11 September 2001 attacks on New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania, but we have not been willing to spell things out so clearly. My hat goes off to this young lady.” Although Georgette's lawsuit does not specify punishment beyond a harsh, public scolding and increased scrutiny of the president's future behavior, rulings from previous cases – among them Winnifeld v. Stone and Hsu v. Gonzales – show that such cases can have teeth, and are nothing to be scoffed at.

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practicing for peace

Unlike the majority of his schoolmates and friends who received video games such as Modern Warfare or Call Of Duty for their b-days or x-mas this year, 9 year-old prissy pants Samwell Youlissees Chorrand, of Oxnard, California was elated to get as a present a copy of the first edition of Mashing Buttons 4 Peace, or MB4P. Available only in select areas and sold only to little fucking weaklings and their fucking weakling moms, MB4P is slated to underwhelm all expectations, and to sell poorly. Said a source at Electronic Arts (EA), the company that created the game, who demanded he remain anonymous so as to spare himself and his family a lifetime of public mockery, “We made MB4P because a group of parents – OK, moms – kept emailing us about the violent nature of most of our teen-oriented games, claiming they would sue if we didn't come up with something for the pre-teen and teen markets not focused on war-making, death, murder, terrorism, or the wiping out of turban-wearing baddies. MB4P is, well, it's something, but, well… fuck, man, you did promise not to print my name in this article, right?”

In Mashing Buttons 4 Peace, the player depresses various keys on a wireless controller in time to music or in synchrony with images displayed on the screen, which causes an elaborately-crafted avatar to twirl about and leap for joy in one of only a handful of locations, either in a field of golden swaying wheat, in the Great Chamber at the United Nations building in New York City, or in a sky-scape made up entirely of rainbows. (After forcing ourselves to play MB4P for long enough to reach the first save-point, it appears to us that the optimization of one's avatar for cooperative wheat-field-spinning is the game's primary purpose.) According to young Master Chorrand, the game is, “Awesome. So cool. Just look at the little guy who kinda looks like me dancing at the U.N. with all types of other avatars who have different skin-tones and different costumes. What a treat.” While looking on lovingly and filling out the insurance forms necessary to cover her son when he is beaten down and physically abused at school for being a little fucking pussy-ass bitch, Mrs. Tarranz Jaimms Chorrand, aged 42, proclaimed: “I am so very happy that EA bowed to our wishes and finally came up with a game that promotes Global Peace and that fosters peaceful coexistence between all humans, regardless of dress, religion, or choice of head-covering. The sole remaining task for us Mothers Against War-Making In Video Games, or MAWMIVG, is to convince the rest of America's parents to stop buying games that train young children in the art of making war or that convince kids it is OK to firebomb a shack filled with people, to shoot airplanes piloted by humans from the sky, or to daisy-chain claymores so as to create the most effective killing-zones. Land-sakes – we're so close, I can feel it.”

Electronic Arts initially fought demands to release a game for teens focused on practicing peace, claiming that it already produces a range of products aimed at children under the age of eight years whose tender brains and stunted views of the realities of life under American world-imperialism make them prone to cry and to wet their pants upon seeing violent images of war. Said the unnamed source at EA after he had returned from the greasy-spoon's bathroom to discover a hundred dollar bill sitting under his half-eaten plate of cheap diner food. “With none of the major television channels or news networks showing pictures of our ongoing wars of aggression or our continuing attempts to subjugate the peoples of the world to the demands of our homegrown corporate profit-mongers, it is our duty to harden the minds of our future soldiers and to get them ready for lives as hired guns in the all-volunteer Armed Forces of the United States of America.”

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Grigovia boycotts Olympics

This year, in London, the long jump will be a little less joyous, and the newest sport – bouldering – will be a little more bleak. As usual, America will win the most medals overall, with Russia and China taking second and third, or vice-versa. But, this time around, there will be no fights at the horse track and no shoving amongst the women's cross-country runners, no hostels set on fire and no main subway lines shut down due to rioting on the tracks. Yes, dear friends, the 2012 Olympics, being held in Great Britain's capital, are progressing in predictably subdued fashion, with just enough controversy to hold the fickle interest of the general public and just enough flash to keep the masses from asking why their governments are spending billions on shot-put and synchronized swimming when millions of people are poor, tired, hungry, and out of work. Regular spectators of the Games have already begun to lament the omission of one shining star from the usual roster of nations – the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG). A country that in the past has made strong showings in militaristic events such as track-and-field, target-shooting, archery, long-distance running, judo, karate, and break-dancing, Grigovia announced it would boycott this year's celebration of peaceful competition through sport due to the participation of the United States of America, a country which invaded the sovereign nation of Afghanistan a decade ago and which continues to occupy that mountainous, arid, and landlocked Central Asian nation.

Said Baiyal Yennd, spokesperson for the Grigovian Ministry for Athletics and Sport, Interior (MASI), in an official press release at the start of the Games, “Beyond the fact that we as nations are both mountainous, arid, and landlocked, we Grigovians condemn any fascist state that perpetrates illegal and inhumane acts of war-like aggression against sovereign peoples – especially against peoples such as the Afghanis, who live nearby. Grigovia has rich deposits of rare-earth-metals, which Western companies found in Afghanistan last year and which they have already begun to exploit. Are the Yankees coming for us next? Will they bomb us next, and maim our children next, and kill our women next, in the name of their rapacious and capitalistic world-order? Until we know that America plans to abide by resolutions passed by the United Nations and by laws passed by its own government, and that it has removed itself from any sovereign nations where it has no business being, only then will the citizens of Grigovia even consider engaging the various peoples of the world in fair and honest athletic competition.”

When the USA invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in the years following the September 11, 2001 attacks, it violated international agreements signed in the wake of victory over the Nazi Third Reich and its ally, the Japanese Empire, which had invaded sovereign nations illegally, subjugating their populations and forcing them to dance to a tune not of their choosing. By following in the footsteps of Hitler and Hirohito and committing illegal acts of aggression (which are crimes against humanity), the president of the American Union at the time, a Mr. George Walker Bush, along with complicit Houses of Congress and Senate, mislead fair Lady Liberty by spreading among peaceful peoples not goodwill and freedom but avarice and death. “We have no interest in talking to or dealing with or buying things from greedy cowards,” said Uliyana Utlennd, head of GROG's Ministry for Athletics and Sport. “Just as we boycott murderous Soviets back in 1980, and I had to wait until '84 Games to win gold in both biathlon and women's cycling, now we boycott murderous Americans in 2012. A pox be upon the enemies of freedom, democracy, and free speech.” Grigovia has made just one bid to host the Olympic Games, in 1922, backing out only after the economic crisis known as the Great Depression – which was brought about by American and European avarice that persists to this day – ruined not only the country's nascent national athletics program but also a perfectly good pair of khakis.

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