before it began

Our ancestors stuck like a thorn in the side of many empires that lined up and tried to make us and force us to work as their slaves, to give up our freedoms and die in their graves. It started with puny Iksander the Great, who showed up one morning but didn't stay late, who called off his action before it began, who witness our magnitude, turned tail, and ran. Then came many Persians, Xerxes and Mehmed, who likewise when seeing their mountains of dead, decided that our dear small patch of earth was not for their taking and had little worth. The Byzantines themselves did not even dare, to venture to within a day of our borders but wisely retreated behind stone and mortar while making great claims about not being scared. Of Ottoman cavalry there was once rumor but that threat we excised like doctors a tumor and sent all those horsemen back home on their feet to tell to their master brave tales of defeat. The British and Russians we also made flee with fear in their livers and blood in their pee, to highness and leader, to lordship and czar, they made heartfelt warnings from us to keep far. Now these days we stand tall and do what we can to protect our country from Americans who violate all of the standards and norms that meet the world's children the day they are born. We've measured the bloodthirstiness of our foe, from this our own soil we shall not soon go, these threats to our sovereignty we too shall meet with steadfast devotion and methods discreet.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

national celebration day

Today, 11 June, is the First of Seven Days of Grigovian National Celebration. The country would have like to celebrate some form of independence, but since it was never subjugated by invading hordes, nor was it ever enslaved by conquering army – by no one, not warlord Alexander the Great, emperor Xerxes II, the Ottoman Empire, the British Empire, the 3rd Reich, the Soviet Empire, nor more recent attempts by bannermen of Ynki imperialism – it simply chose a day at the onset of the summer months during which time everyone could let hair down and romp in hay. A rumor has surfaced claiming that on this day in the 13th century King Krukuv the Watchful dug his first tuber-hole (which is manifest even today as the leagues of tunnels that crisscross under Grig, the nation's capital), but none of the ancient text can corroborate this story, which is of no concern to Grigovians, who party whenever they feel like it and ask kindly that foreign powers stop pestering them.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥