For totally the very first time in the long history of mankind, local funnyman Dale Ivan Young jokingly said he liked the commercial chosen by a popular video-streaming website to play immediately before the trailer for a new blockbuster film. “Wow, this flick looks awesome - thanks for showing this to me,” Young said, chuckling over the familiar, repetitive quacking of a feathered corporate mascot while grinning and flashing his eyes at the person whose turn it was to select something to watch. “I can’t wait to see it, ha ha ha,” he continued, patting a love-handle as he furtively made brief eye contact with each of the six other people leaning over a small mobile device trying to get a glimpse of its display.
His meagre spunk apparently spent, Dale absolutely would not - by hook or by crook - offer up a solid, clear opinion about the upcoming film in question, instead sidling away from the group in order to perform a pretend inspection of his vaporizer under the light of a nearby overhead lamp.
[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]
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Showing posts with label movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movie. Show all posts
12 September 2012
“Spaghett, Shorty” in production
Abandoning all previous artistic endeavors and venturing forth on a more subdued and serious track, Eric Wareheim and Tim Heidecker of the 'Tim & Eric Show, Great Job' publicly announced the filming of a full-length film called 'Spaghett, Shorty.' Speaking last week to a group of reporters whom they had herded into the space between a couple of dumpsters behind their Hollywood production studios, the creative duo defended their stab at serious drama, saying, in unison, “This stab at serious drama is utterly defensible.”
Known more for producing material featuring pelvic-thrusting, tongue-waggling, eye-popping, awkwardly-snorting, fake-crying quasi-celebrities than for releasing products of any value to society, Messieurs Heidecker and Wareheim claim that the idea for 'Spaghett, Shorty' came to each man individually while washing off the crusty remains of simultaneous bouts of explosive diarrhea. “Yup,” said a source close to the pair. “I was near the toilets mopping up their wayward butt-juices, while, nearby, them two were in adjacent showers scraping at and cleaning their filthy dirt-holes. I heard them cry out in what could have been joy but what was more than likely recurrent diarrhea pangs, saying, in unison, 'Of course, old brother, of course we do Spaghett, Shorty!' I shall never understand how the artistic mind works.” The source then insisted on selling us a pound of bunt cake his mother had sent with him for his lunch-time dessert. (We relented; it was delicious.)
Set primarily in Miami during the mid-1980s, 'Spaghett, Shorty' tells the tale of one Thrankdon E. Kürzenschimmelreitersmann – or Shorty, for short – who falls in with a bad crowd after his parents are killed while ballooning in foul weather. Descending into utter madness and abandoning friends and family alike, Shorty eventually finds redemption, and love, in the arms of one Spaghett, a familiar character from the Tim & Eric Show, Great Job. According to insiders working on the film, it features not fart jokes or cameos by celebrities playing retarded people but serious topics such as man-rape, psychological self-indentureship, the vanishing rights of the flightless kiwi-bird, and a detailed history of the Nazi occupation of the Lower Western Friedrich's Islands, whence Shorty hails. “We wanted to serve up some serious fare to our swollen fan-base, which consists mostly of sex-deprived, canned-noodle-eating homebodies who can no longer stomach our usual light-hearted banter and family-oriented content,” said one of the two artists from under a stained and soggy bed-sheet that they had pulled from a dumpster and used to cover themselves. “'Shaghett, Shorty' is set to shatter all box-office records,” either Tim, or Eric, continued saying. “Those selfsame peeps who shelled out thirty million smackers to see our Billion Dollar Movie will lose their marble-sacks when they get a load of 'Spaghett, Shorty.' The final knife-fighting sequence alone cost big bucks to shoot, but, since it was directed by Ang Lee and choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping, who both worked on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, we expect our fans to get a really, really big kick out of it – huge, like, this big.” 'Spaghett, Shorty' will release to selected American markets before taking over the world.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
Known more for producing material featuring pelvic-thrusting, tongue-waggling, eye-popping, awkwardly-snorting, fake-crying quasi-celebrities than for releasing products of any value to society, Messieurs Heidecker and Wareheim claim that the idea for 'Spaghett, Shorty' came to each man individually while washing off the crusty remains of simultaneous bouts of explosive diarrhea. “Yup,” said a source close to the pair. “I was near the toilets mopping up their wayward butt-juices, while, nearby, them two were in adjacent showers scraping at and cleaning their filthy dirt-holes. I heard them cry out in what could have been joy but what was more than likely recurrent diarrhea pangs, saying, in unison, 'Of course, old brother, of course we do Spaghett, Shorty!' I shall never understand how the artistic mind works.” The source then insisted on selling us a pound of bunt cake his mother had sent with him for his lunch-time dessert. (We relented; it was delicious.)
Set primarily in Miami during the mid-1980s, 'Spaghett, Shorty' tells the tale of one Thrankdon E. Kürzenschimmelreitersmann – or Shorty, for short – who falls in with a bad crowd after his parents are killed while ballooning in foul weather. Descending into utter madness and abandoning friends and family alike, Shorty eventually finds redemption, and love, in the arms of one Spaghett, a familiar character from the Tim & Eric Show, Great Job. According to insiders working on the film, it features not fart jokes or cameos by celebrities playing retarded people but serious topics such as man-rape, psychological self-indentureship, the vanishing rights of the flightless kiwi-bird, and a detailed history of the Nazi occupation of the Lower Western Friedrich's Islands, whence Shorty hails. “We wanted to serve up some serious fare to our swollen fan-base, which consists mostly of sex-deprived, canned-noodle-eating homebodies who can no longer stomach our usual light-hearted banter and family-oriented content,” said one of the two artists from under a stained and soggy bed-sheet that they had pulled from a dumpster and used to cover themselves. “'Shaghett, Shorty' is set to shatter all box-office records,” either Tim, or Eric, continued saying. “Those selfsame peeps who shelled out thirty million smackers to see our Billion Dollar Movie will lose their marble-sacks when they get a load of 'Spaghett, Shorty.' The final knife-fighting sequence alone cost big bucks to shoot, but, since it was directed by Ang Lee and choreographed by Yuen Wo Ping, who both worked on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, we expect our fans to get a really, really big kick out of it – huge, like, this big.” 'Spaghett, Shorty' will release to selected American markets before taking over the world.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
23 June 2011
on girls in movies
Some time ago I was discussing, with a close associate, the film Kick Ass. He had expressed his concern about the scene in which the character named Hitgirl is beaten unconscious by the movie's main antagonist. He had said something to the tune of, "If it's now ok to have little girls getting the shit kicked out of them, then, in films releasing in the future, it will be ok for all little girls to get the shit kicked out of them, and we will likely be seeing a lot more of it." At first, I found this comment funny, and made as if to laugh along with the joke. Soon, however, I realized that my counterpart was serious, that he had a problem seeing a fictional scene depicting a fictional young woman locked in choreographed combat with a fictional villain. I do not condone violence toward children; I have (and will in the future) personally intervened in situations in which I witnessed children at risk of physical harm so as to protect them (even if only briefly). (Side note: if you are smoking while children are in your car or in your home, or smoking anywhere near children, you are causing harm to those children, and you are an asshole.)
Then, last night, I watched Leon the Professional, a film directed by Luc Besson, starring Jean Reno and Natalie Portman, in which in one scene the protagonist, a pubescent girl, holds a gun to her head and narrowly avoids blowing out her brains. After watching that scene, I realized that this scene was the origin of all the depictions in recent Hollywood blockbusters of young women holding guns to their heads and trying to blow out their brains. In nearly every movie since Leon the Professional came out, over the past couple of decades, at least one young actress has held a gun to her head and threatened to cap herself if not given the love or the attention or the breakfast cereal she felt she deserved. It has, as we all know, become a hallmark of modern cinema to depict young women playing Hanoi roulette, one chamber empty and the other five full, the metal flashing as they spun their pistols shut and thrust the business end dramatically to their temples.
After having re-watched Leon, I now agree: we cannot allow the continued portrayal of young women who are willing to put their lives on the line for something in which they believe, or who have the courage to go up against great and tremendous odds in order to protect their friends or to avenge the murder of a loved one (for this might encourage our women-folk to take action, to challenge the strictures of our paternalistic society and win for themselves an equal station in the workplace and in the home). Also, we cannot trust that movie-makers or movie-goers will be able to differentiate between fact and fiction.
For to allow one movie to show a young woman taking action in the face of adversity, to depict one girl demanding the swift and merciful execution of justice, is to invite chaos into our homes, into our hearts, and into our minds. We have already stamped out poverty on a global scale; we have already eradicated disease across the seven continents; we have already ensured that each and every human being has the means to lead a peaceful and hunger-free life devoid of suffering and deprivation; now, all we need to do, is to make sure no fake children are hurt in the movies we watch. The general public is sheep-like and utterly devoid of any inherent ability to think or to judge on its own, and must therefore not be exposed to any such violent portrayals lest it succumb immediately to the temptation to act out what was just shown on screen. Join us in our fight against this terrible scourge, and let us together ban these horrendous portrayals of strong young women putting it all on the line for their beliefs. Sign the petition at your local censor's bureau, and remember: we are watching you.
(postscriptum: Movies are make-believe, and worrying about their potential impact on future society is counter-productive and a waste of time. Keep expression, and the mind, open and free.)
Then, last night, I watched Leon the Professional, a film directed by Luc Besson, starring Jean Reno and Natalie Portman, in which in one scene the protagonist, a pubescent girl, holds a gun to her head and narrowly avoids blowing out her brains. After watching that scene, I realized that this scene was the origin of all the depictions in recent Hollywood blockbusters of young women holding guns to their heads and trying to blow out their brains. In nearly every movie since Leon the Professional came out, over the past couple of decades, at least one young actress has held a gun to her head and threatened to cap herself if not given the love or the attention or the breakfast cereal she felt she deserved. It has, as we all know, become a hallmark of modern cinema to depict young women playing Hanoi roulette, one chamber empty and the other five full, the metal flashing as they spun their pistols shut and thrust the business end dramatically to their temples.
After having re-watched Leon, I now agree: we cannot allow the continued portrayal of young women who are willing to put their lives on the line for something in which they believe, or who have the courage to go up against great and tremendous odds in order to protect their friends or to avenge the murder of a loved one (for this might encourage our women-folk to take action, to challenge the strictures of our paternalistic society and win for themselves an equal station in the workplace and in the home). Also, we cannot trust that movie-makers or movie-goers will be able to differentiate between fact and fiction.
For to allow one movie to show a young woman taking action in the face of adversity, to depict one girl demanding the swift and merciful execution of justice, is to invite chaos into our homes, into our hearts, and into our minds. We have already stamped out poverty on a global scale; we have already eradicated disease across the seven continents; we have already ensured that each and every human being has the means to lead a peaceful and hunger-free life devoid of suffering and deprivation; now, all we need to do, is to make sure no fake children are hurt in the movies we watch. The general public is sheep-like and utterly devoid of any inherent ability to think or to judge on its own, and must therefore not be exposed to any such violent portrayals lest it succumb immediately to the temptation to act out what was just shown on screen. Join us in our fight against this terrible scourge, and let us together ban these horrendous portrayals of strong young women putting it all on the line for their beliefs. Sign the petition at your local censor's bureau, and remember: we are watching you.
(postscriptum: Movies are make-believe, and worrying about their potential impact on future society is counter-productive and a waste of time. Keep expression, and the mind, open and free.)
10 June 2011
Piracy Raid in Idaho
Officers of the Warren City police department (WCPD), a suburb outside Boise, today raided the house of a suspected piracy offender. The primary objects seized in the dawn operation were a significant number of pirated DVDs. A subsequent search of the premise turned up discarded NetFlix envelopes and stacks of blank DVDs that investigators consider evidence of premeditation. "Anyone who has watched a film at home has seen the FBI warning at the beginning of that movie," said Douglas Meyer, head of the FBI's Anti-Piracy Mobile Strike Force. "If we can prove that this copy of Little House on the Prairie is pirated, we will punish this perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law." The Warren City man who was taken into custody immediately following the raid could face three years in jail and a $250,000 fine for each item of pirated intellectual property.
"I don't give a shit about the weed we found," Detective Rune Randolfe, WCPD, said before doughnuting out of the parking lot in response to a phoned-in tip, "we got his stash of burned VHS tapes, too. This guy is headed Rapeside."
The residents of this sleepy community were shocked by the appearance of so many heavily-armed officers within their midst. "I heard shouting, then what sounded like a door splintering," Tara Hogarth, 38, who lives immediately adjacent to the scene of the crime, said. "Mr... our neighbor was always nice to me, and to my kids. He would have people over sometimes, and we could see a large TV flickering through the blinds in his living room, but to think he was committing piracy, right here, in Warren City? Wow."
Investigators are fanning out across the United States to track down and punish the millions of Americans suspected of piracy. "The numbers are staggering," agent Meyer said. "We think that over half of the adult population in this country is guilty of at least one act of piracy. Good thing my wife got into corrections."
Citizens are urged to report instances of piracy, even piracy without monetary gain performed in the privacy of the home, to the appropriate federal authorities. "We have been spending billions on a war against drugs that has had no discernible affect," a state official speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "now it's time to really bleed our coffers dry going after these pirates. They ain't safe nowhere."
(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)
"I don't give a shit about the weed we found," Detective Rune Randolfe, WCPD, said before doughnuting out of the parking lot in response to a phoned-in tip, "we got his stash of burned VHS tapes, too. This guy is headed Rapeside."
The residents of this sleepy community were shocked by the appearance of so many heavily-armed officers within their midst. "I heard shouting, then what sounded like a door splintering," Tara Hogarth, 38, who lives immediately adjacent to the scene of the crime, said. "Mr... our neighbor was always nice to me, and to my kids. He would have people over sometimes, and we could see a large TV flickering through the blinds in his living room, but to think he was committing piracy, right here, in Warren City? Wow."
Investigators are fanning out across the United States to track down and punish the millions of Americans suspected of piracy. "The numbers are staggering," agent Meyer said. "We think that over half of the adult population in this country is guilty of at least one act of piracy. Good thing my wife got into corrections."
Citizens are urged to report instances of piracy, even piracy without monetary gain performed in the privacy of the home, to the appropriate federal authorities. "We have been spending billions on a war against drugs that has had no discernible affect," a state official speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "now it's time to really bleed our coffers dry going after these pirates. They ain't safe nowhere."
(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)
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