man avoids sex

Wishing to keep his mind pure and thinking he was doing himself a favor, a local whorphan has denied himself sex with other persons for the latter part of 2011, and all of 2012. While masturbating occasionally to keep his prostate flushed in hopes of avoiding future bouts of prostate cancer, the man admitted to us that even this type of self-pleasuring confused his mind and made him prone to lust and desire, and to covet attractive female humans in his immediate vicinity. “I have come to the conclusion that there is something seriously wrong with me,” the 35 year-old said recently. “Every relationship I have entered into during the past decade has failed, crumbled, or imploded. Since these liaisons were with different girls of different backgrounds, upbringings, hopes, dreams, and desires, I have concluded that it is I who is incapable of maintaining a relationship, that it is I whose fault it is that I now live alone in this dusty, cob-web-filled hunting shack. If there has ever been a true emotional cripple, it is I. Fuck, man, I can't even talk to a pretty grocery-store checkout girl without telling myself that I am unworthy of her attentions, without some part of my brain ridiculing me to the brink of tears. Double you, tee, eff?”

While escorting the man on his daily rounds, we noticed that he displayed a distinctive lack of selfishness, that he was painfully shy around women he found attractive, and that he was prone to sudden acts of kindness and generosity. When we mentioned that such traits were much sought-after among today's upstanding, self-respecting American women, he argued that it was just such traits that got him into his current mess, in the first place. “The women I dated would always like the way I act, for a while, but, then, it seems to me that their egos would get the better of them and they would start to resent me for my unwavering desire to serve others and because of my dangerously low opinion of myself. I attribute the way I act to growing up with an intellectually-brilliant but alcoholic father whose opinion of himself was so low as to border on disgust. My childhood role-model was a man who hated himself so much that whenever anyone discovered his self-loathing, he shower them with undue praise and was really, really nice to everyone in an effort to deflect attention from his deep-seated emotional instability, an instability that infected all aspects of his life, including but not limited to his interactions with others. In a way, I think that the last few years of sexual deprivation have been an attempt by my sub-consciousness to get me to grow up, to stop blaming my dad for things, and to take responsibility for my own emotional well-being. I try to be a big boy and to maintain a certain level of inner peace and spiritual contentment; it's hard, though, to reprogram one's soul – especially for someone doing it without guidance, or help – but I'm confident that spiritual purity and loving humility will eventually triumph over the machinations of my love-starved, self-pitying ego. Hot dog, guys, thanks for listening – it's great to finally talk to someone about this.” When we last saw him, the self-proclaimed whorphan was mowing his lawn using a cast-iron, muscle-powered push mower from the 1930s, getting swoll and looking right fit.

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