BURFDAY

Thoughts strain to find each other as my body slowly kills the hangover. It kinda sucks hanging out alone on your birthday, but I live far enough away from my group of friends that I have but don’t talk to enough that it makes it hard to motivate, then there’s the issue with drinking and driving, definitely not a good thing.
Progress talking to the ladies is good too, getting better with the bullshitting, better feigning interest, keeping them talking, not being too negative. Plus I fucked up my phone last night, dropped it or something, screens are out, can’t see anything, but it still works as a phone. It sucks because I want to have the text messaging feature and can’t stand not having coverage here, should just switch to t-mobile. Or should switch to a siblings’s service, so that calls are free, at least to them.
I realize that certain things make me happy, like staying in contact with friends, but if I don’t stay on top of it, things deteriorate. Fuck. I’m not so worried about being a year older, not depressed about that, but kinda down on myself for not making better use of my time. I realize that I really don’t like it when I’m judged, or when I feel like I have to answer to someone when I’m talking to them. There is trying to help someone because you care and there is grilling someone about how they are progressing, then making fun of people when you don’t see them operating at motivational levels you believe you have achieved. But fuck that too, throw down next time it happens, push back, let them know you don’t appreciate it, that it changes the relationship.
Should have taken it a bit slower last night, wouldn’t feel this hung the fuck over, would have more enjoyed Episode III for the second time, no euphoria, except for the younglings part, and that sometimes scares people. Forcing myself to do this, to record my thoughts and impressions of a day past, a day spent on two wheels, fine sand, glued to a movie screen, and talking with strangers and friends. It all seems so important, every detail, and yet so trivial, like I’m ready to say fuck it to a free lunch just so I can see how it feels to do so, because I can. Lovely.