corporations get drafted

Following Citizens United, a Supreme Court decision that bestowed most of the rights of full person-hood upon America's corporations, executive boards of the richest and most powerful corporate bodies were shocked this past weekend to receive Selective Service System (SSS) paperwork in the mail. Said Candyce Nymondale, chief spokeswoman for SSS: “A computer selected these names and sent them to a different computer that in turn had a robot print, prepare, and mail out forms. Mr. Apple, Mr. Amazon, and Mr. GE, as well as all other corporations, are expected to play nicely, serve their country, even go to war, if that should best serve the best interests of the American People.”

According to the laws of decency and in line with the notion that all persons are created equally, corporations (as they are now emancipated human beings) must provide sacrifices equal to the sacrifices made by those flesh-and-blood Americans who are fighting and dying in far-flung and desolate places across the globe. “For too long have these cowards shirked their responsibilities,” President Obama said, to resounding applause, at a rally in Puerto Rico last Sunday. “For too long have we granted these corporations the rights and privileges of full-blown homo sapiens while asking of them so little. If they cannot go to war and fight and die in the dusty, rock-strewn hills of Afghanistan, if they cannot shoulder their portion of our common burden, then we shall call upon the members of their executive boards to act as proxies, and send them to war instead.”

“Corporations tend to amass great wealth by exploiting their employees' honest labor, by inflating their potential value in the stock-markets, and by wiggling through legal loopholes that allow them to avoid contributing positively to or otherwise being upstanding and productive members of society; they are leeches of the worst sort, juggernauts wont to crush anything they encounter; they are the embodiment of moral disenfranchisement and societal decay,” said Dr. Thomaz D. Orguzman, a corporate sociologist who also holds degrees in corporate anthropology and kick-boxing, while he was negotiating a phalanx of reporters in order to enter his small but tidy home outside Wichita, Kansas. “They [corporations] are already structured and run as if they were military organizations, so requiring them to do their part in the Global War of Terror seems to me, if nothing else, logical.” Calls to chief executive officers of America's major corporations were routed invariably to tense-sounding legal departments run by foreign-born individuals located anywhere but on U.S. soil.

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