In stunning violation of the maxim that actions speak louder than words, one man's complaining actually changed something. “I keep bitching to my friends about my favorite running-back's poor performance,” said longtime football fanatic Wellington Chase Ghar, 37, of Wilmington, DE. “I am confident, however, that the athlete will somehow hear my lamentations, work harder, run faster, and catch the passes that I spend so much time hoping he'll catch.”
Similar results have been seen across the country. In the western state of Oregon, 24 year-old housewife Yolanda J. Knippelschopf, of Bend, witnessed a complete reversal of her husband's flagging enthusiasm for their relationship. “Since venting at my girlfriends for the past few years, he has got his act together,” said Yolanda while lounging on the sofa watching daytime television. “He seems more interested in me, lately, and I'm confident he'll set aside his man-childish ways and become the nurturing and compassionate dude-chick I've always secretly wished he would turn into.”
When humans complain, they supplant true feelings of self worth with artificially-supplied external validation, which feeds upon itself until it has wholly consumed their tender and fragile love-for-self. “Complaining to others does little good,” said Dr. Endicott Aleppo, head of the psychology department at New York University's Welles Institute of Mental Health, in Queens. “Our most recent studies show that complaining destroys happiness and that it actively erodes a person's motivation and ability to be a productive and peaceful member of society. If fewer people spent time complaining about things they cannot control, we would all be better off, we would all get more things done, and we would not have to spend so much of our precious chill-time stroking the egos of our supposed friends,” he continued, shaking his head in exacerbation. “Complaining is a nation-wide epidemic that affects all strata of American society, and there is no indication when it might abate.” Members of the general public are urged to be content with what they have, to love without condition, and to keep their dumb fucking mouths shut every once in a while.
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