ask Algeria first

Faced with a hostage crisis involving dozens of persons kidnapped by armed assailants, a joint task force of federal agents and New York City police officers decided to first seek the advice of the Algerian government before mounting a raid to free the hostages. “We want to lead by example,” said chief federal negotiator Yusuff al-Baghrabi while peering over a concrete barrier at the building where the perpetrators had holed up. “Algeria refused Western assistance in the planning and execution of its action to free the hostages taken a couple of weeks ago at that gas plant in the Sahara desert. If we ask for their help in planning and executing our own action here in the eastern part of Queens, New York, maybe next time they will accept our offers, and listen to our advice.”

Friends and family of person taken prisoner agreed to speak with us. “I am all for the cops asking Algeria for advice and waiting until that nation can arrange to have skilled operators flown in to help and to guide the actions of our law enforcement agents,” said Piedgast Charnungacharnoul, 72, grandmother of one of the hostages. According to police reports, the hostage-takers operate under the banner of the Weeping Crown of Righteousness, a militant Christian group blamed for a number of similar attacks on the Eastern Seaboard. “I think it's OK for us to delay until experts in hostage negotiation arrive from – where was it – Skikda?” said New ​Jersey resident Randel Raiyan Quincie, 25, who thinks his older brother might be among the kidnapped. “In a lot of Hollywood movies, dealing with terrorists who stoop to using human shields always requires a delicate touch, sneakiness rather than brute force. I just hope we can free the captives before those religious extremists kill them all.”

“We Americans must concern ourselves with what happens here in America, and let the Algerians worry about what happens in Algeria,” said aloof bystander Corey Slantbeam, 48, of the Bronx. “If companies want to do business in foreign lands at locations difficult or nearly impossible to defend, they must accept the consequences of their actions. Fences can be tunneled under, telephone lines can be cut, and dirt-poor guardsmen can be bribed to open even the thickest of gates. At some point, we must all ask ourselves whether the risks of fossil fuel outweigh the benefits.” Intent on proving to the world it wasn't totally full of shit, the Obama administration ordered native financial regulators to turn for advice to the government of Greece and issued executive orders that force American circuit judges to consult with Russian authorities on matters of free speech and freedom of the press.

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