payment also faked

As a nod to a singing performance that Beyoncé Knowles faked, the 2013 Presidential Inauguration Committee decided to fake her payment. “It was immediately obvious that the performer did not sing the song we had hired her to sing, and that, instead, she had payed a sound-recording engineer to play a tape of her singing the song we had hired her to sing with her mouth,” said White House special events coordinator Geraldeen Vorburgwall, in a telephone interview. “Therefore, we have faked the deposit of a fake sum of money into her otherwise massively swollen bank accounts. Fair is fair.“

News of Ms. Knowles' chicanery sparked both praise and indignation. According to 18 year-old Floridian Vehdnu Morangutan, the performer is, “So fabulous, and she wears such nice clothes, and her hair looks so great, and she just sang for the first president of recent African descent, so why y'all trying to hate?” Other individuals with whom we spoke were less kind. “Some people maintain such low levels of self-esteem that they don insufficient clothing in sub-zero weather in order to lie to the American people with extraordinary pomp and bluster,” said unemployed electrician Kazi Ishomuri, 47, of Baton Rouge, LA. “If Beyoncé is incapable of singing even under mildly adverse conditions, if she cannot muster the hubris to risk even a slight mistake whilst supposedly honoring our nation, why the deuce was she hired in the first place? This whole thing is a joke.” Beyond the young lady's deceit, the overall cost of the event stoked ire. “A hundred and seventy millions dollars of good money spent to have a man say something he had already said three times before?” said Oludunda Erak, 24, of Brooklyn, NY. “If Mr. Obama had spent that money on a scholarship for children of fallen American soldiers, or to establish a fund to study and cure the effects of homelessness among veterans, we the People would all be better off. But wasting it on a parade, a singer who doesn't sing, some bleachers, and a band? What the fuck is going on in this country?”

Ms. Knowles scheduled a press conference to address the matter. Instead of showing up and speaking to the assembled reporters, however, she had someone else play a recording of her offering a faked explanation of why she could not sing when Kelly Clarkson could.

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