on UNUBG

Have you seen on television United Nations soldiers standing around in hot, impoverished places with blue helmets on their heads? Have you ever wished you could shake the hands of these bored-looking people and thank them for their service? If so, keep an eye out in your own neighborhood for a member of the United Nation's Urban Beautification Group (UNUBG), which is a loose affiliation of self-directed urban beautification specialists (SDUBS) licensed under a mandate from the U.N. Special Assembly for the Perpetration and Preservation of Street Art (SAPPSA) to apply their graffiti on any otherwise unadorned and drab-looking public surface.

You will identify these SDUBS by their patented blue UN windbreakers and by a rambunctious spirit common among today's young people. But act quickly, because the SDUBS who are executing Operation Coverall (OPCOV) in cities and towns across the globe are wily and suspicious individuals who strike hard and fade away into the night. This is the first graffiti campaign to be waged by an international body; it is the most aggressive and best-financed street art campaign ever launched, to date. Authorized last year by an executive mandate signed by Ban Ki Moon himself, OPCOV has been criticized by civic leaders and property-owners alike, who claim that the action infringes upon their right to own and to erect structures of boring and repetitive design.

Supreme Leader Moon says that he mistakenly authorized Operation Coverall when he signed a document that he thought was a birthday card for a niece. He claims to have never before heard of SDUBS, or of graffiti.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

corporations get drafted

Following Citizens United, a Supreme Court decision that bestowed most of the rights of full person-hood upon America's corporations, executive boards of the richest and most powerful corporate bodies were shocked this past weekend to receive Selective Service System (SSS) paperwork in the mail. Said Candyce Nymondale, chief spokeswoman for SSS: “A computer selected these names and sent them to a different computer that in turn had a robot print, prepare, and mail out forms. Mr. Apple, Mr. Amazon, and Mr. GE, as well as all other corporations, are expected to play nicely, serve their country, even go to war, if that should best serve the best interests of the American People.”

According to the laws of decency and in line with the notion that all persons are created equally, corporations (as they are now emancipated human beings) must provide sacrifices equal to the sacrifices made by those flesh-and-blood Americans who are fighting and dying in far-flung and desolate places across the globe. “For too long have these cowards shirked their responsibilities,” President Obama said, to resounding applause, at a rally in Puerto Rico last Sunday. “For too long have we granted these corporations the rights and privileges of full-blown homo sapiens while asking of them so little. If they cannot go to war and fight and die in the dusty, rock-strewn hills of Afghanistan, if they cannot shoulder their portion of our common burden, then we shall call upon the members of their executive boards to act as proxies, and send them to war instead.”

“Corporations tend to amass great wealth by exploiting their employees' honest labor, by inflating their potential value in the stock-markets, and by wiggling through legal loopholes that allow them to avoid contributing positively to or otherwise being upstanding and productive members of society; they are leeches of the worst sort, juggernauts wont to crush anything they encounter; they are the embodiment of moral disenfranchisement and societal decay,” said Dr. Thomaz D. Orguzman, a corporate sociologist who also holds degrees in corporate anthropology and kick-boxing, while he was negotiating a phalanx of reporters in order to enter his small but tidy home outside Wichita, Kansas. “They [corporations] are already structured and run as if they were military organizations, so requiring them to do their part in the Global War of Terror seems to me, if nothing else, logical.” Calls to chief executive officers of America's major corporations were routed invariably to tense-sounding legal departments run by foreign-born individuals located anywhere but on U.S. soil.

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on Grigovian anarchy

Much has been said of late in the international press about the merits of anarchy and the benefits that this complete and total liberty bestow upon all persons lucky enough to have lived it even once. The citizens of the United States of America gave up their liberty in the wake of the 11 September 2001 attacks for the fleeting assurance of safety, thereby proving themselves worthy of neither liberty or safety; luminaries from various universities and myriad walks of life point to the months and years following those tragic events as the period during which the last vestiges of Ynki anarchy were bashed to bits by the batons of terrorism-addled police officers, when they were steamrolled to nothingness under the massive weight of rapidly expanding federal power.

Compare the sad state of liberty in the western hemisphere to the abounding freedom and joyous prosperity in which the people of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia wallow. Here, in modern, high-speed Grig, the nation's capital, people of all ages do as they please to their own bodies and minds so long as they are not directly violating their neighbors' person, freedom, or property; here, from the smallest cottage sitting in the highest high-valley village to the largest apartment complex set firmly into the low granite cliffs of the rushing Yalung river, people leave their doors unlocked in the knowledge that true lovers of liberty would never dare to enter the home of another with sinister purpose, take things without paying for them, or do anything to harm his meager belongings or physical health without written and notarized permission. This notion of liberty-through-responsibility does not just govern interpersonal relationships: it is alive and well also in business, where environmental pollution is virtually nonexistent, contracts are rarely broken, people live up to their word, and a company in a position to monopolize a market will choose rather to encourage competition than to face the wrath of an army of babushkas willing to boycott anyone trying to make them pay a single kopper more than something is worth.

The roots of total liberty extend deep into Grigovia's past. Beginning with the nation's spiritual founder, Krikuv the Watchful, who came to the area to escape European plague-rats and to breed tubers for his mythical green-tuber borscht (the recipe for which is said to have survived to his day in the spicy concoction of the late Queen Pylta the Terrible), nearly all subsequent leaders – with the exception of a few puppet-kings installed by meddlesome proto-Russian czars in the 19th century – have turned away supplicating emissaries and invading armies alike, in no small part because of a rabidly-allegiant populace and the freedom and democracy it has enjoyed since wise Krikuv first started applying the lessons he'd gleaned from his vast collection of old Greek and Latin texts. Grigovia's modern anarchy stems from King Hyu-Yennd Yündlennd, who abdicated in 1912 after attending a series of lectures held in Vienna by famed Hungarian anarchist Dr. Wilhelm D. Tomaz; it continues to this day in the likes of Erya Rovend – who recently broke Grigovia's boycott of the United Nations in order to tell the U.S.A. to, “Kindly go fuck yourselves and leave my fellow Grigovians alone” – and in the smiles and shouts of legions of school children who begin in preschool to learn the basics of close-quarters-combat instead of being allowed to run around mindless during their lunch break. The Glorious Republic of Grigovia proves every day that anarchy foments liberty, and her people prove that liberty is the wellspring of Happiness, a phoenix rising from the ashes of fear and oppression. Praise be to anarchy, and to old man Krikuv.

© mentiri factorem fecit (場黑麥)

practicing for peace

Unlike the majority of his schoolmates and friends who received video games such as Modern Warfare or Call Of Duty for their b-days or x-mas this year, 9 year-old prissy pants Samwell Youlissees Chorrand, of Oxnard, California was elated to get as a present a copy of the first edition of Mashing Buttons 4 Peace, or MB4P. Available only in select areas and sold only to little fucking weaklings and their fucking weakling moms, MB4P is slated to underwhelm all expectations, and to sell poorly. Said a source at Electronic Arts (EA), the company that created the game, who demanded he remain anonymous so as to spare himself and his family a lifetime of public mockery, “We made MB4P because a group of parents – OK, moms – kept emailing us about the violent nature of most of our teen-oriented games, claiming they would sue if we didn't come up with something for the pre-teen and teen markets not focused on war-making, death, murder, terrorism, or the wiping out of turban-wearing baddies. MB4P is, well, it's something, but, well… fuck, man, you did promise not to print my name in this article, right?”

In Mashing Buttons 4 Peace, the player depresses various keys on a wireless controller in time to music or in synchrony with images displayed on the screen, which causes an elaborately-crafted avatar to twirl about and leap for joy in one of only a handful of locations, either in a field of golden swaying wheat, in the Great Chamber at the United Nations building in New York City, or in a sky-scape made up entirely of rainbows. (After forcing ourselves to play MB4P for long enough to reach the first save-point, it appears to us that the optimization of one's avatar for cooperative wheat-field-spinning is the game's primary purpose.) According to young Master Chorrand, the game is, “Awesome. So cool. Just look at the little guy who kinda looks like me dancing at the U.N. with all types of other avatars who have different skin-tones and different costumes. What a treat.” While looking on lovingly and filling out the insurance forms necessary to cover her son when he is beaten down and physically abused at school for being a little fucking pussy-ass bitch, Mrs. Tarranz Jaimms Chorrand, aged 42, proclaimed: “I am so very happy that EA bowed to our wishes and finally came up with a game that promotes Global Peace and that fosters peaceful coexistence between all humans, regardless of dress, religion, or choice of head-covering. The sole remaining task for us Mothers Against War-Making In Video Games, or MAWMIVG, is to convince the rest of America's parents to stop buying games that train young children in the art of making war or that convince kids it is OK to firebomb a shack filled with people, to shoot airplanes piloted by humans from the sky, or to daisy-chain claymores so as to create the most effective killing-zones. Land-sakes – we're so close, I can feel it.”

Electronic Arts initially fought demands to release a game for teens focused on practicing peace, claiming that it already produces a range of products aimed at children under the age of eight years whose tender brains and stunted views of the realities of life under American world-imperialism make them prone to cry and to wet their pants upon seeing violent images of war. Said the unnamed source at EA after he had returned from the greasy-spoon's bathroom to discover a hundred dollar bill sitting under his half-eaten plate of cheap diner food. “With none of the major television channels or news networks showing pictures of our ongoing wars of aggression or our continuing attempts to subjugate the peoples of the world to the demands of our homegrown corporate profit-mongers, it is our duty to harden the minds of our future soldiers and to get them ready for lives as hired guns in the all-volunteer Armed Forces of the United States of America.”

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In Allah We Trust

  the official motto of the United States of America is In God We Trust. No specific god is mentioned, and therefore our motto could mean In Ganesha We Trust, In Wednesday We Trust, In Allah We Trust, etc.

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