tyrant capitalism

a tyrant is haunting the world. the tyrant capitalism! the mightiest nations in the world have fallen before it's promise of worldly riches and temporal power. the milling masses worship no longer at the altars of godly might, rather at the boutiques of consumptionism, offering up their dearly earned wages not for the promise of eternal salvation but on the fleeting satisfaction of the newest communications device or this season's clutch-bag. to protect their wealth and property, the richest few arm themselves and build high walls around their homes. to obtain this wealth some arm themselves and scale these walls and stop at nothing, not even killing, to take from these richest few what they think they need. a wise man once said, "locks only keep out friends." the only way to make your house reasonably safe from bandits is to board up all the windows and doors and never leave but sit by the front door with a shotgun in your hands, shooting first and asking questions later. this of course makes the house unlivable and is a total waste of time if for no other reason than that you can't be outside your house making money to buy more things.

the capitalist financial system operates like a drug addict, never satisfied with the status quo, always looking for the next spike in profit or pleasure, without regard for long term safety or the condition of those it exploits for cheap labor, without regard for the damage done to the land by strip-mining or pollution. the laws of the most powerful nations are written to protect the wealth of those closest to the wealth-teat, and even when they destroy, in their greed, the livelihoods of those beneath them, the powerful and well connected allow their companies to fail but not before bleeding them dry and thousands are plunged into ruin while the few wallow fat and bloated with more money than they could possibly need to survive day to day.

those who were not born with great wealth rarely if ever obtain it. those who must work everyday for their bread and butter are subjected to a constant barrage of images of the wealth and easy life their labors could provide for their grandchildren if only they and their children work themselves to death and save every penny and live wretched hopeless lives in squalor. rarely do they consider the hopelessness of their situation, for hope springs eternal in the minds of the proletariat, even when they earn barely enough to eat on a day's hard labor.

should hundreds of thousands of children go hungry in America when on the same day a fathead buys a single car that is worth more than their parents will make in five whole years? all men are not created equal, not in the eyes of capitalism. though they bear no titles, the richest one percent of America's millions are the new aristocracy, laughing while the rivers burn, purchasing entire islands while a single mother counts pennies to buy food for her prematurely born baby. ultima ratio regum. X

i don't really play that game

it's not that i don't play that game, it's that everyone plays the game but few know they are playing it and some have actually convinced themselves they know the rules and are beating the system when in reality they are completely and hopelessly ensnared in the grinding tearing cogs. many times during the day i see people and watch them enjoying simple things or shopping for things they don't need or things they think they need and i see joy on their faces or satisfaction and i feel the need to vomit because they are so pathetic in their simple little ways but it's not really their fault because they grew up seeing everyone else around them acting in the same way and trying to find joy and satisfaction in life when in my reality i try to crush joy and stamp out satisfaction so that if it does happen to stumble across my path it will be a pleasant but fleeting surprise and i can bring my inner self back to emptiness and nothingness and yearningly hopelessly work on staying out of the rut and smiling like an amused infant or staring blindly like a child which has not yet smiled and this runon sentence is very long but no one reads this shit anyway so why the fuck do i worry about form or syntax but i have to because i'm a fucking writer and a professional transcriptionist and this is what i DO. X

emptiness

and so here i sit now in westwood, one of my more frequent stops on my second goodbye tour through LA in the past year. i just can't seem to manage to stay here. some might call it a sign, but i don't believe in that bullshit. i love this city and i have given a lot to her and she has given a lot to me. just like with Leslie, i have given a lot to her and she has, perhaps in her own particular way, given a lot to me. that whole situation is pretty messed up, mostly because she has stopped speaking to me altogether for reasons i can only guess at.

i said some things i should not have said in the days before my father's funeral and mentioned that i was thinking of going to south east asia next year. i made a comment about her situation with her father, something i should not have because i will never be able to fully understand her situation with her father and because i don't have a father any longer so my frame of reference is all screwed up.

the way i see it, there were four things causing stress in her life. the first was her car, which had been damaged in a wreck. the second was her tooth, which she had chipped eating a pretzel. the third was her job, a stressful occupation in sales. the fourth was me. so i totally understand that she chose me as the easiest way to remove stress from her life. that doesn't make it any easier to deal with her total Funkstille, but what the hell am i supposed to do? i have left text and phone messages and attempted to contact her on social networking sites, all to no avail. and the reason i can't just forget is because i pledged my fealty and support to her before the powers of the universe, on my virtue and honor, and that is not a pledge that you just violate any time you want to because it's my fucking honor and virtue on the line but if she won't talk to me then what the hell am i supposed to do? i refuse to stalk her or wait outside of her office at closing time and try to waylay her or anything because that will only make things worse and make me feel and look like a scumbag.

but she really didn't give me much to go on the second time around, and all my advances were roundly refused and every time i tried to do anything it would just be awkward because she wants to be free and party and fuck young guys right now and i really don't mind that she wants to do that, but i'm afraid now that there will not be a third chance for us because of something i said or mentioned in the depths of my grief from my father's passing and because she's not talking to me. so i have decided to write a letter explaining my position but my track record with letters isn't great and it will likely only make things worse but i miss her so much especially in the mornings and this morning was really bad because i woke up dreaming that she was turning away from me and ignoring me totally which is what is happening in real life but now that it's happening in my dreams too it's not letting me come to peace and just move on with my life. i very much want things to work out so i think i'll just give it a year and let her have a JP-free life for a while and see if she's ready at a later date and then maybe we can have some semblance of a normal or healthy relationship without all the miscommunication and walking on eggshells all the time.

but i need to send her a letter reinforcing my pledge to her so she doesn't think i have abandoned her or anything, even if she rips it up and never reads it i still need to send it on the off chance that she does read it and knows that i'm still faithful to my pledge even though i said some stupid things and was stressing her out and even though she has stopped talking to me and is likely raging right now and out at the clubs and doing whatever the hell she pleases.

the situation is all kinds of messed up and i feel really bad for saying what i did and postponing my arrival in LA by two weeks so i could go out and get busted and put on probation but that's the way shit works sometimes and i can't apologize to her because she won't talk to me but maybe she'll read this and if you do Leslie please know i'm sorry and my pledge still stands (as you are the only one who can absolve me of it) and i miss you terribly and hope that maybe some time in the future we can make beautiful hoppa kids together and have a great life together. ulitima ratio regum. requiescat in pace GHWR. X