pain.love.fear.trust

Goodbye, for sure. Goodbye to hope. To the knowledge that you are somehow good enough, even if you are. Sometimes, it boils down to the fact that you simply do not have the resources to give a girl what she wants, thinks she needs.

Pain blood fear pain slash burn hurt hurt pain. Let them go. Waste them not, please for the love of everything good and whole and pure, stop slicing away at your soul. Stop getting yourself into these kind of situations. Sure she enjoys your company, and needs someone like you around, someone with a level head, who can grin and walk into their cannon fire. She might not know it now, may never truly admit the truth to herself, but she knows.

Become again calm, a pillar of sincerity, a void of trust. Let loose the forces of generosity, the driving biting urge to do good. Let it out. So what if people abuse it, see it for what it is, and say NO THANKS. Their loss. But don’t let them go, keep them close, let them know that they are in fact your ward, yours to protect, shelter and guide through these rounded boulders of western living.

Hurt hurt die not good enough not good enough. Stop please. Stop. Stop it. Sto flood drown slice crush heart breaking nothing good enough. Never good enough. Too nice fucker. You’re too nice. Suck at this, she’ll never love you. Never let herself, because you’re too nice. Too giving. Not aggressive, actually care for her, her feelings, her loss, her wellbeing. Can’t ride the fine line. Can’t be everything. Not good enough.

Due to global warming, the US’s glacier national park, in fifty years, will just be a national park. At the time of birth a baby can swim. It looses this ability within a year. The once pristine Lake Managua has been turned into a death zone by industrial runoff from the Kodak company. Cane toads swallow with their eyes. Bread is legally considered a food in Germany. Love is a chemical process that takes place in the brain very similar to eating large quantities of milk chocolate. The average human body holds blood equivalent to roughly a twenty four pack of beer.

Why does she not want me? I know why. Money. Money. Money. Money. Sugar daddy I am not. If I had a million in the bank, there’d be wedding bells. Now, she won’t even be my GF. Ah fuck it. Plenty of fish in the sea. But no, there aren’t. not fish like this. Not ones that share so much, yet are divided by such differences. It’s one in a couple hundred thousand, and she’s hot. Fuck. Never learned. Never understood how to simply be fucking egotistical. To look out for ME. Never had that. No cash, fucked and drank it all away. Job at a standoff, questionable.

Can’t even write coherently. Stay positive. Remain in the center. Become nothing. Leap to the quick, be happy, angry, but not self pitying. Never. Because you are the master of your own destiny, hope springs eternal, love will live another day, and…

At least you got to have her. If only for a bit. If only for a moment. Miss Mom. Miss her. So much. Just wish I could cry. Can’t let myself. Can’t tell her my true feelings, lest she cut me off from everything. Lest what little we share leaves too. Stay calm. Bright side. Think nothing. You are nothing. Nothing matters, you wait long enough. Never wait. Keep moving. Keep loving. Keep hurting, hating yourself, flensing the soul. It all comes down to something in the end. Be more loving. Tell those around you, those you miss dearly, you love them. Never stop loving. kill love. Never trust. Never stop trusting. Find good everywhere. Sacrifice good at all cost. Stop being greedy. Embrace greed.

It ain’t fair. But who said it was gonna be? At some point, things will fall into place, then get wretched back out again. All men fall into their groves. Will I be stubborn and refuse to fall into mine own? Hm. Time. Time. Time. LV to H. JP