haiku 15 August 2017

Houses of cardstock
Collapsing in unison.
Why this suffering?

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

man rations watts

Stretching his personal daily allotment of watts to the limit, 52 year-old unemployed former systems administrator Rhieyan Humplesdorf avoided excessive toilet-flushing and unnecessary illumination in order to have enough electricity left over to watch his favorite television show. “It's really important to me to be able to catch Blazing and Crashing, a reality show, every other Thursday night, and, so, I spend time in the dark and only cook during off-peak hours, such as before dawn.” Mr. Humplesdorf is not alone in his quest to save wattage: reports indicate that millions of everyday Americans save their daily, weekly, and even monthly rations of electrical power (referred to here, and measured in, watts), using the precious commodity on special activities such as watching a movie at home, cooking during the breakfast hour, or powering a wireless router in order to access the world-wide-web.

America's capacity to provide a constant, seemingly-limitless stream of watts to its inhabitants waned shortly after the turn of the 2nd Millennium (Common Error), when several major dams were drained after having been declared structurally unsound and its supplies of coal and natural gas dried up or became too environmentally costly to tap. Since then, persons such as Rhieyan have tried to take matters into their own hands, setting up man-portable banks of solar panels and installing small battery farms in large, weather-proof plastic containers. “It's hard, sometimes, to recharge everyone's batteries,” said mother-of-four Vickie Hu-Eignot, former vice president for marketing at a communications firm. “What with our second oldest entering school and needing to charge his netbook battery competing for watts with our oldest, who has a bigger laptop, and then the two twins – our youngest – wanting to recharge everything from flashlights to portable gaming systems, and of course everyone needing to charge their cellphone batteries on a nearly daily basis, well, we quickly run out of watts, even with the bonus my husband receives for working twice a month on Community Labor Days.”

Similar to ration cards used in America while it was fighting both the Third Reich and the Japanese Empire, today's watt ration cards are a stark reminder that nothing is free in life, that few things come easily, and that TANSTAAFL (there ain't no such thing as a free lunch). “We thank the fine citizens of this land for being patient while we install more large-scale wind and solar farms, and for queuing patiently at their local power stations, waiting in both rain and shine with drained deep-cycle marine batteries balancing on skateboards or loaded into shopping carts,” said Thurmond P. Ristlethrace, spokesman for the federal Department of Energy. “It is true that the previous administration should have been focusing more on sustainable energy systems and less on waging war in order to gain access to fossil fuels such as crude oil, but, I am confident that the current administration is on the right track toward making this nation totally and 100% energy independent.” Reports of wide-spread looting of hardware previously used to transmit electricity from coal-fired power plants could not be officially confirmed, but sources did indicate that many communities had been erecting Wardenclyffe Towers to harvest the electricity that water creates naturally when it flows through subterranean limestone aquifers.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

leisurely summer, “satisfying”

Choosing to lounge around in his boxer-shorts instead of going about his wood-chopping, garden-tending, and home-maintenance chores, 29 year-old Maryland native Frederick Rillenhof said just this morning that his summer of abject, sun-soaked leisure was far more satisfying than performing any of the duties he admitted were necessary to keep him alive through the upcoming winter. “I hope to have a job by fall,” the home-owner said while trying to find a way to make his window-mounted air-conditioning unit produce more cool air. ”And I'm going to need one to pay for all this electricity I'm using, and for all the heating oil I'll have to buy in order to keep this damn place warm when it starts to snow.”

Sitting by an open, southward-facing screen door of his four-bedroom home, Frederick, who lives alone, said he enjoyed feeling the cold air stream past him, because it cooled him off a bit before escaping into the blast-furnace heat outside. “I just love that,” he said while poking at a brand-new, touch-screen-equipped tablet computer. “Feeling the breeze that the A-C is making, knowing that I have a fridge full of food just waiting for me to eat. I got a call from my credit card company this morning asking for payment on last month's bill, but what are they going to do, cut me off? I pay my mortgage with that platinum card, bitches.”

While poking around in the tall weeds behind the house (after being shooed outside to pee unless we, “Wanted to go all the way up to the third floor to use that bathroom, since all the other ones are clogged”), this news team discovered a discarded ax and a decrepit bow-saw, both of which were rusting away atop a woodsman's sawhorse. Next to these forgotten tools was a large mound of good lumber, the ends of which were however beginning to show signs of rot. When we asked him about the wood wasting away in the backyard, Mr. Rillenhof declared that he was too busy watching a marathon session of a popular reality-television series that focuses on crab-fishing off the coast of Alaska to get to sawing or splitting anytime soon, and that he would handle it once the weather turned a bit cooler. He declined to comment on his vegetable garden, however, which was in a sorry state, indeed.

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

Santander announces new FEAR card

Santander & Sovereign Banks announced today (from their subterranean bunkers outside of Washington D.C.) the newest credit card to ensnare unwary, consumption-crazy customers: Fear. Get afraid today with high rates, hidden fees, inexplicable cancellations, and an ever-shrinking credit ceiling. With Santander's new Fear card, never again must you be afraid of past-due payments or of collections calls from angry, third-party creditors: the only thing you must fear is us, your bank, because we shall act swiftly and with righteous fury to repossess anything you might own in order to recover your outstanding debts to us. Sign up today at one of our inconvenient locations that are sure to be staffed with disinterested customer service representatives who shall be more likely to put up their feet on the employee room tables than to get off their asses and attend to customers. Fear, today, with Santander / Sovereign.

p.s. The author would like to point out that the new credit card's name is not Fear, as he initially suspected; rather, the card is called Sphere, although he applauds the logic behind using a name that sounds exactly like “fear” when referring to credit, a horrifying state of self-imposed slavery to Big Bro Bank which is sure to terrify any self-respecting, self-sufficient American.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

on operation coverall

Have you ever seen on television footage of United Nations soldiers standing around in hot, impoverished places wearing blue helmets on their heads? Have you ever wished you could shake the hands of those brave and self-less people and thank them for their service? Keep an eye out in your neighborhood for members of the United Nations Urban Beautification Group (UNUBG), a loose affiliation of self-directed urban beautification specialists (SDUBS) licensed under a mandate from the U.N. Special Assembly for the Perpetration and Preservation of Street Art to apply their graffiti on any otherwise unadorned public surface.

You will identify these SDUBS by their patented blue UN windbreakers and by a rambunctious spirit uncommon to the youth of today. Be alert: they are executing Operation Coverall (OPCOV) in cities and towns across the globe. The first graffiti campaign to be waged by an international body, this shall be to date the most aggressive and best financed street art campaign ever launched. Authorized by an executive mandate signed personally by Ban Ki Moon, OPCOV has been criticized by civic leaders and property-owners alike, who claim the action infringes upon their right to own and to erect structures of boring and repetitive design. Supreme Leader Moon says that he may have mistakenly authorized Operation Coverall when he signed a document that he thought was a birthday card for his granddaughter – he claims to have never before heard of SDUBS, or of graffiti.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit