man rations watts

Stretching his personal daily allotment of watts to the limit, 52 year-old unemployed former systems administrator Rhieyan Humplesdorf avoided excessive toilet-flushing and unnecessary illumination in order to have enough electricity left over to watch his favorite television show. “It's really important to me to be able to catch Blazing and Crashing, a reality show, every other Thursday night, and, so, I spend time in the dark and only cook during off-peak hours, such as before dawn.” Mr. Humplesdorf is not alone in his quest to save wattage: reports indicate that millions of everyday Americans save their daily, weekly, and even monthly rations of electrical power (referred to here, and measured in, watts), using the precious commodity on special activities such as watching a movie at home, cooking during the breakfast hour, or powering a wireless router in order to access the world-wide-web.

America's capacity to provide a constant, seemingly-limitless stream of watts to its inhabitants waned shortly after the turn of the 2nd Millennium (Common Error), when several major dams were drained after having been declared structurally unsound and its supplies of coal and natural gas dried up or became too environmentally costly to tap. Since then, persons such as Rhieyan have tried to take matters into their own hands, setting up man-portable banks of solar panels and installing small battery farms in large, weather-proof plastic containers. “It's hard, sometimes, to recharge everyone's batteries,” said mother-of-four Vickie Hu-Eignot, former vice president for marketing at a communications firm. “What with our second oldest entering school and needing to charge his netbook battery competing for watts with our oldest, who has a bigger laptop, and then the two twins – our youngest – wanting to recharge everything from flashlights to portable gaming systems, and of course everyone needing to charge their cellphone batteries on a nearly daily basis, well, we quickly run out of watts, even with the bonus my husband receives for working twice a month on Community Labor Days.”

Similar to ration cards used in America while it was fighting both the Third Reich and the Japanese Empire, today's watt ration cards are a stark reminder that nothing is free in life, that few things come easily, and that TANSTAAFL (there ain't no such thing as a free lunch). “We thank the fine citizens of this land for being patient while we install more large-scale wind and solar farms, and for queuing patiently at their local power stations, waiting in both rain and shine with drained deep-cycle marine batteries balancing on skateboards or loaded into shopping carts,” said Thurmond P. Ristlethrace, spokesman for the federal Department of Energy. “It is true that the previous administration should have been focusing more on sustainable energy systems and less on waging war in order to gain access to fossil fuels such as crude oil, but, I am confident that the current administration is on the right track toward making this nation totally and 100% energy independent.” Reports of wide-spread looting of hardware previously used to transmit electricity from coal-fired power plants could not be officially confirmed, but sources did indicate that many communities had been erecting Wardenclyffe Towers to harvest the electricity that water creates naturally when it flows through subterranean limestone aquifers.

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