for-profit crosswalk

Tallahassee, Florida, made history today by switching on America’s first commercial road-traversing-assistance system. Composed of a pair of lights - red for ‘stop’ and green for ‘go’ - mounted atop a metal pole that has a credit-card reader bolted to it for processing payments, the system regulates foot-bound traffic across the eight-lane intersection at Sherman and Main Boulevards. With three strip-malls and two long-term elderly care centers, the intersection was apparently chosen for its potential to generate profits. “Following numerous complaints submitted by motor-vehicle operators apparently tired of waiting for slow-moving citizens to shuffle across this intersection at their own pace, we of the Tallahassee city council wisely decided to install this system,” said Ernesto Wainbight, the city’s deputy mayor. Manufactured by Assisted Crossing Inc. (ACI), from Atlanta, Georgia, the system charges pedestrians $2.50 for each crossing, a bargain according to company CEO Wendell F. Graus. “No driver I know is happy to see his way barred to allow some penniless walker to safely negotiate a busy intersection. And, with ACI’s new mobile-phone application, pedestrians in the process of negotiating the aforementioned intersection can now buy more time to cross the road, should they need it.” Each additional dollar spent extends a person’s crossing time by 30 seconds. Civil rights groups around the nation have criticized the move, claiming that it discriminates against persons who choose to change the temporal positions of their bodies using their own physical power, infringing upon their legal right to freedom of movement. “Foot-mobile citizens should be delighted that the price of a service they too long took for granted costs roughly the same as a cup of gourmet coffee,” Mr. Graus continued. “Nothing’s free in this life, especially not convenience, locomotion, or safety.” Eighty percent of the profits generated by the new system will be used to enrich the executive staff of ACI, whereas the additional twenty percent will fill the city council’s slush fund.

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥