Following a rash of locomotion-related injuries, the U.S. Department of Health proposed new laws to govern how and how quickly the American people should be allowed to walk. “Thousands of citizens are injured each year when they moving their bodies through this temporal realm at an increased speed without paying enough attention to where they are going,” said Hennrick Thallumann-Errins, the agency’s deputy director of public relations. “Once Congress passes provisional bill ST2240 b.d4, individuals who walk, run, jog, or otherwise move about in such a manner as to potentially harm themselves will face fines no greater than five hundred dollars or fourteen days in jail, per incident.” Walking occurs when a human’s upper body begins to fall forward but then catches itself with the legs, one after another, thus propelling it in a direction of the mind’s choosing. “The American people don’t seem to know how to get around on foot without running into household objects, tripping over curbs, stepping on errant rocks, or otherwise hurting themselves,” said Dr. Wilmina F. Fitzcharles, a gait specialist at the University of St. Stipan in Des Moines, Iowa, who was not directly involved with the proposed legislation. “Hopefully, these pending measures will ensure that people spend absolutely every iota of their brains’ attentive capacity on the act of walking, an act fraught with danger.” Legislation is being drafted to punish citizens who cannot perform similar daily tasks well, such as bathing, breathing, and swallowing. Due to the apparent absurdity of the laws mentioned above, most civil rights groups contacted for this story failed to comment.
© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥
No comments:
Post a Comment