boy invents everything

In preparation for creating a water-proof coverlet designed for tablet-computer-users who operate their devices while bathing or when trapped in flooded cars, 17 year-old big-thinking average citizen Brisdlom 'the Bri-Man' Torrandigan, of Fontaine du Lac, Minnesota (population: 335), first established a standardized system for measuring distances exactly, and then a portable measuring-stick he dubbed a ruler. After convincing half of mankind to adopt his system for measuring distances in something called inches and feet, he discovered electricity, then perfected the braided-copper electrical wire, then a method for extracting rubber from the South American rubber tree, then a method to vulcanize the rubber, then a method to manufacture large-diameter copper wires and a way to protect them from the elements using water-tight rubber sleeves, then long-distance electrical transmission wires as thick as a man's wrist, then electrical transformers for increasing voltage so as to allow current to be transported across long distances, then techniques for deep-seam coal mining, then a narrow-gauge railway system for hauling coal, then a chemical process for removing impurities from the coal, then an industrial-strength elevator system for lifting the coal, then the steel i-beam, and then the methods and materials needed to produce electricity using coal-burning steam generators the size of houses. Before getting started on the exact dimensions of his case, he invented the postage-stamp-sized computer chip, then random-access-memory, then the solid-state hard drive, then circuit-boards made of silicone, then the wireless-fidelity network (which he shortened to Wi-Fi), then the just-in-time manufacturing process, then the conveyor belt, then factory-based production, and then a touch-capable and screen-based interface.

After a noon-time snack, the Bri-Man invented the USB access port, then tiny but efficient speakers, then a way to allow users to pipe sounds into portable and head-mounted earphones, then a process for producing break-resistant but smooth sheets of glass, then a method for cutting said glass into small and perfectly rectangular shapes, then the slag-furnace, then the process for producing aluminum using bauxite, then gas-fired furnaces for heating aluminum to allow it to mix with bauxite, then wearable heat-shields for persons handling molten-hot metals, then efficient casting methods for making light but sturdy tablet-frames, then injection-molding processes for not just plastic but also steel and aluminum, and then a system for transporting large volumes of products over long distances using self-propelled and man-operated devices that roll over the ground or fly through the sky or sail upon the seas. He paused briefly to apply acne medication (he had a date later that night, with a girl named Francine) before putting the finishing touches on his case, which would allow users to interface with their devices through his coverlet's see-through plastic, but not before discovering crude-oil in the Middle East, inventing the processes and pumps and drill-bits and valves for removing that oil from the ground, then the process for refining it into plastics, then just the right balance of chemical additives to make the plastic translucent but not brittle, then a process for mixing and storing and transporting the chemicals and the crude oil across thousands of miles of open ocean, then a way to keep the plastic from deteriorating too quickly when it is exposed to sunlight, then a clam-shell design for computer cases, then a sturdy but unobtrusive hinge-mechanism, then a plant-based and odor-less lubricant to keep the hinge working smoothly, and then tiny bolts with nuts to screw onto them snugly and without loosening when jostled to hold the two parts of the hinge firmly together. Stepping back to view his handiwork, the teen inventor smiled a shy little smile before firing off a text-message to his father, who lives in Seattle, Washington. (Young Brisdlom had invented cellphones and the SMS system a day earlier.)

Explaining at a brief press conference its decision to shutter its operation and to elect Brisdlom to Supreme Master Of The Human Race For All Eternity, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Patent Office stated: “We are so happy that Mr. Torrandigan has pioneered such a wide range of technologies that will allow the inventors of tomorrow to come up with new ways to make our lives more efficient. All future inventions will rely upon the efforts of this young man, he who came before them, just as all supposedly new thoughts or discoveries are only possible because of the thoughts and discoveries that occurred before them in time. Naturally, the profits from the sale of Brisdlom's newest device, the water-proof tablet coverlet, as well as all profits from the use and further development of his neat-o and whiz-bang processes and materials – pretty much every last nickel in the world – will go to the rightful inventor of the modern age, teenage Bri-Man, he who crafted such wonders from thin air. From behind our padlocked doors, we shall watch patiently but with abiding joy as subsequent inventors build upon the miraculous achievements that this young man made in such a short amount time, perhaps at some point in the distant future accepting new requests for patents, once Master Of The Human Race Brisdlom Torrandigan's wonders age a bit.”

(p.s. This article is a hoax; any and all inventions rely upon all of the inventions made before them, including the inventions of our commonly-owned languages and societies. Our current practice of heaping piles of money upon individuals who supposedly invent new things is a farcical and broken system that is unlikely to stand the test of time. Mahalo.)

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

'Slow' Leigh butts shore leave

To the surprise of only the vessel's newest crewmembers, Captain Briyan F. Leigh of the U.S.S. Abu Ghraib canceled all requests for shore leave during the attack group's scheduled docking at Cebu City, Philippine Islands. (Procurement officers shall be allowed access to markets on shore.) Said executive officer Lieutenant Quincy Klein-Trask, a sleep-deprived man who appeared to be overseeing work on a half-dozen different tasks: “Captain Leigh deliberated at great length over whether or not to grant his sailors access to the Philippine population while this ship is tied up securely in her berth, deciding only after much soul searching and many long, midnight walks, to keep everyone on board.”

Captain Leigh's efforts are being mirrored by some of the group's other senior officers, including Captains 'Hesitant' Horace Greysound, Jr. and 'Deliberate' Dean Kwantzik. Said ensign Tieresza Rainnholds, of the U.S.S. Guantanamo Bay, who hails from Great Bend, Wyoming, on condition of anonymity, “We suspected that old Slow Leigh would cancel shore leave after those mishaps during our recent training in the Sea of Japan. This crew, however, was innocent in the matter; Captain Boris 'Be-There-In-A-Jiffy' Yu even admitted during his court martial that he authorized the shelling of that village. I'm pissed – the boys and I have been looking forward to snorkeling C4A Mile Bay for months, now. But, at least this time, we got a few hours' warning; last time, half of the ship's crew had been lined up at the gangplanks with packed bags for a good hour before a passing bosun's-mate crushed our spirits, telling us to go stow our bed-rolls.”

This is not the first time that Captain 'Slow' Leigh butted shore leave; he canceled it back in 2008 after weeks of teeth-grating contemplation, deciding at the last minute to jeopardize crew morale for the sake of decorum and as a way to remind junior officers to take things easy, saying in a memorandum that he considered it poor form to run about making decision all half-cocked, and willy-nilly.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit